The past eight months have been rough. I have had a lot of unexpected changes suddenly thrust upon me. And quite honestly I have not handled many of them very well. Put your minds at rest, I have not gone back to alcohol or anything else to get me through. Those things are far behind me now and I have no desire to return there. But I have failed to handle my business in private on a few occasions. This post is not to throw anyone under the bus nor to insight anger. I just want to give an update.
I have been depressed for pretty much this entire time. Changing medicines right when your whole life falls apart is not anything I would recommend. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. Not since before I got sober and finally got on medication. So all of this has been overwhelming to say the least. It wasn't just her leaving. It was knowing that I wouldn't see Xander and Emmy as much. It was having to tell everyone what was happening. It was right before the holidays. And it was a million other little things. That first month was hard for me because I blamed myself. I spun out of control and ran around trying to find a way to fix everything.
Then reality set in. I wasn't totally to blame. Other things came to light, all right around Christmas. Lies. Deception. Dishonesty. And more. Christmas has always been hard for me but the past few years with the family have been great. This year it wasn't just the separation, it was the depression and the sudden financial hardship of not only being a single parent but being questioned at every turn. Nothing was right. Did I make mistakes? Yes. Was I purposely failing? No. Was I trying? With everything I had. And it still wasn't enough. I know she's going to read this. I know she's going to get mad. But the reality is what it is.
After a few months I felt better but still not great. We tried again with the same results. That was it. Now it's just me, the dogs & cats and Xander a few days a week. Emmy comes over every once in a while but those will probably be fewer and fewer as time goes on. Teenagers are fickle. Sylvia didn't waste any time moving on. No surprise there. And I'm just sitting here trying to figure out what happens next. My job situation isn't any better than it was at the first of the year. Lyft was paying pretty well but I can't do it full time and it has dried up over the summer. I've picked up odd jobs here or there but it's been feast or famine. One look at my bank account will confirm the famine part. I'm at the point that I'm ready to purge everything I have in order to just get even and start from scratch. It's not a terrible plan but it's only a temporary fix.
I'm not writing any of this to build allies or to blame anyone. This is all stuff that comes with divorce. It's stuff that I never thought about before. It's stuff that crept up on me and caught me completely by surprise. When someone moves out there are holes in your life. Not just emotional and financial but basic needs as well. I had to spend money I hadn't planned for on a new bed, kitchenware, clothes for Xander and more. All stuff that was there one day then gone the next. It's been hard. I've learned how not invulnerable I truly am. But I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere.
July 20, 2017
December 4, 2016
The Wreckage of My Past is Haunting Me
Twenty years ago I was in love. It was the first time I ever fell head over heels for someone and it was a catastrophe. We met at college. More specifically we met in a college theater class. No greater drama exists than the theater romance. And it was dramatic. She was seeing someone else but she and I had connected and the flirtation was heavy when he wasn't around. There was the chase. There was the intrigue. There were other flirtations and secret meetings. There was the (surprising to me) catch. It was all such a whirlwind and the roller coaster ride was all high highs. But the low lows were just about to hit. And they hit hard.
Depression is a disease that sometimes comes out of nowhere. I was dealing with some issues with my alcohol consumption as well. The combination of alcohol withdrawal and depression sent me into a spiral. She didn't understand and I neither did I but I held on to her with everything I could during that hellish December. I knew that she was the one. We were going to get married and have babies and life would be great. Life started falling apart right before Christmas. A bunch of us went out to a club one weekend and these guys kept talking to her and one of her friends. I was introduced to one of the guys as a friend she danced with at a country bar in town. But as the night wore on everyone there noticed how she was spending more time with him than me. I knew something was going on but she kept insisting they were just friends.
It all came to a head on Christmas night. After all the festivities were over and we had settled back into the post Christmas relaxation I decided to go to the movies with some friends. She had told me she was going dancing with her friend, nothing new. After the movies we were back at my house when the phone rang. Being that it was after eleven o'clock I knew something was up. It was her mom wanting to know if she was at my place. I told her no and she told me she had sent multiple pages (this was 1996) but had gotten no response. Since the club was close to my place I told her I would go and check on her daughter.
Once I arrived in the parking lot I drove around looking for her car. I found it on the front row and as luck would have it there was an empty space right next to it. I pulled in and looked over into her car to the shock of my life. There she was in the front seat making out with the guy from a week earlier. I exited my vehicle walked over and tapped on the window. She looked up in shock. I motioned for her to roll down the window and told her to call her mom. I got back into my vehicle and started it up but she started banging on the passenger side window. I still don't know why I let her into the cab of the truck. She started apologizing and trying to explain but I didn't want to hear any of it. After a few minutes I told her to get out and go home. I went back to my house and stayed up the rest of the night trying to process everything.
I wound up staying with her. Dumb, I know. My depression got worse over the next couple months and right when I needed her the most she took off. Our relationship had several starts and stops over the next couple years. Anytime that things got bad she ran. Years later when enough time had passed that we were somewhat friends I told her that I never forgave her for that Christmas night. She looked at me and said, "I know." To tell the truth that twenty-fifth of December some twenty years ago has played a big roll in every relationship since. I have kept women at a distance to insure I didn't get hurt again. No matter how close we got I always maintained enough of a buffer just in case. I've also always maintained loyalty to whom ever I was with no matter how bad things were because I never wanted to cause the type of hurt that I felt after that night.
So here I sit twenty years later writing about something that most would think would be far in the past. But it is something that has affected my life and the lives of those I have loved. My ex-wife asked me many times over the course of our dating and married life why I was so bitter about love. I maintained a maximum distance with her and she still saw the hurt in my life. Even my current situation has been affected by all this. Sylvia has been the recipient of my keeping a distance many times in the past six years. The biggest problem is that I didn't even realize I was still doing it until recently. I love Sylvia deeper than I have ever loved anyone but that scared college kid is still in there wrecking havoc. Now I have to figure out how to pick up the pieces and hopefully mend it all back together.
Depression is a disease that sometimes comes out of nowhere. I was dealing with some issues with my alcohol consumption as well. The combination of alcohol withdrawal and depression sent me into a spiral. She didn't understand and I neither did I but I held on to her with everything I could during that hellish December. I knew that she was the one. We were going to get married and have babies and life would be great. Life started falling apart right before Christmas. A bunch of us went out to a club one weekend and these guys kept talking to her and one of her friends. I was introduced to one of the guys as a friend she danced with at a country bar in town. But as the night wore on everyone there noticed how she was spending more time with him than me. I knew something was going on but she kept insisting they were just friends.
It all came to a head on Christmas night. After all the festivities were over and we had settled back into the post Christmas relaxation I decided to go to the movies with some friends. She had told me she was going dancing with her friend, nothing new. After the movies we were back at my house when the phone rang. Being that it was after eleven o'clock I knew something was up. It was her mom wanting to know if she was at my place. I told her no and she told me she had sent multiple pages (this was 1996) but had gotten no response. Since the club was close to my place I told her I would go and check on her daughter.
Once I arrived in the parking lot I drove around looking for her car. I found it on the front row and as luck would have it there was an empty space right next to it. I pulled in and looked over into her car to the shock of my life. There she was in the front seat making out with the guy from a week earlier. I exited my vehicle walked over and tapped on the window. She looked up in shock. I motioned for her to roll down the window and told her to call her mom. I got back into my vehicle and started it up but she started banging on the passenger side window. I still don't know why I let her into the cab of the truck. She started apologizing and trying to explain but I didn't want to hear any of it. After a few minutes I told her to get out and go home. I went back to my house and stayed up the rest of the night trying to process everything.
I wound up staying with her. Dumb, I know. My depression got worse over the next couple months and right when I needed her the most she took off. Our relationship had several starts and stops over the next couple years. Anytime that things got bad she ran. Years later when enough time had passed that we were somewhat friends I told her that I never forgave her for that Christmas night. She looked at me and said, "I know." To tell the truth that twenty-fifth of December some twenty years ago has played a big roll in every relationship since. I have kept women at a distance to insure I didn't get hurt again. No matter how close we got I always maintained enough of a buffer just in case. I've also always maintained loyalty to whom ever I was with no matter how bad things were because I never wanted to cause the type of hurt that I felt after that night.
So here I sit twenty years later writing about something that most would think would be far in the past. But it is something that has affected my life and the lives of those I have loved. My ex-wife asked me many times over the course of our dating and married life why I was so bitter about love. I maintained a maximum distance with her and she still saw the hurt in my life. Even my current situation has been affected by all this. Sylvia has been the recipient of my keeping a distance many times in the past six years. The biggest problem is that I didn't even realize I was still doing it until recently. I love Sylvia deeper than I have ever loved anyone but that scared college kid is still in there wrecking havoc. Now I have to figure out how to pick up the pieces and hopefully mend it all back together.
December 1, 2016
Are You Ready For a New Sensation?
A lot has happened since I last posted over two years ago. It's hard to believe that I let two years go by without writing anything. I never would have done that in the past. But life gets to you sometimes and things that seem important fall by the wayside. I've been going through some changes as of late. I won't get into the details of the story but needless to say my life was turned upside down recently, in more ways than one. If you have read my blog at all you will know that I have a history with alcoholism and depression. Alcohol is no longer a problem for me but depression and anxiety are serious things that are misunderstood by a lot of people.
After I got sober I wound up in my doctor's office telling her about my issues. She prescribed a medicine I had heard of but did not know much about. That was Lexapro. And what a wonder it was for me. Suddenly I no longer felt sad or anxious. I was doing wonderfully and wanted everyone to know. Eventually she switched me to Celexa and I continued. The problems didn't come to my attention until years down the line. For close to 5 years I was living in a haze but did not realize it. And there were other side effects I won't get into here. The haze took away all my desire to do anything other than go to work and come home to plop down on my couch for the evening. I realized this last year but I was so hazy that I couldn't motivate myself to do anything about it. Eventually this all took a toll on my wife and I cannot blame her for being fed up with me.
In late October she told me I needed to go back to the doctor and tell her about what was happening. So I made the appointment and we discussed options. Switching medication was the best solution. It took a couple weeks of being on the new meds for me to really start to see a difference. And boy, have I felt a difference. The haze is finally gone and I feel like a brand new man. I'm glad my wife convinced me to go to the doctor. I feel better than I have in years and my motivation has found its way back home. 2017 is going to be a fun year.
Fingers crossed and prayers appreciated.
After I got sober I wound up in my doctor's office telling her about my issues. She prescribed a medicine I had heard of but did not know much about. That was Lexapro. And what a wonder it was for me. Suddenly I no longer felt sad or anxious. I was doing wonderfully and wanted everyone to know. Eventually she switched me to Celexa and I continued. The problems didn't come to my attention until years down the line. For close to 5 years I was living in a haze but did not realize it. And there were other side effects I won't get into here. The haze took away all my desire to do anything other than go to work and come home to plop down on my couch for the evening. I realized this last year but I was so hazy that I couldn't motivate myself to do anything about it. Eventually this all took a toll on my wife and I cannot blame her for being fed up with me.
In late October she told me I needed to go back to the doctor and tell her about what was happening. So I made the appointment and we discussed options. Switching medication was the best solution. It took a couple weeks of being on the new meds for me to really start to see a difference. And boy, have I felt a difference. The haze is finally gone and I feel like a brand new man. I'm glad my wife convinced me to go to the doctor. I feel better than I have in years and my motivation has found its way back home. 2017 is going to be a fun year.
Fingers crossed and prayers appreciated.
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