The past eight months have been rough. I have had a lot of unexpected changes suddenly thrust upon me. And quite honestly I have not handled many of them very well. Put your minds at rest, I have not gone back to alcohol or anything else to get me through. Those things are far behind me now and I have no desire to return there. But I have failed to handle my business in private on a few occasions. This post is not to throw anyone under the bus nor to insight anger. I just want to give an update.
I have been depressed for pretty much this entire time. Changing medicines right when your whole life falls apart is not anything I would recommend. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. Not since before I got sober and finally got on medication. So all of this has been overwhelming to say the least. It wasn't just her leaving. It was knowing that I wouldn't see Xander and Emmy as much. It was having to tell everyone what was happening. It was right before the holidays. And it was a million other little things. That first month was hard for me because I blamed myself. I spun out of control and ran around trying to find a way to fix everything.
Then reality set in. I wasn't totally to blame. Other things came to light, all right around Christmas. Lies. Deception. Dishonesty. And more. Christmas has always been hard for me but the past few years with the family have been great. This year it wasn't just the separation, it was the depression and the sudden financial hardship of not only being a single parent but being questioned at every turn. Nothing was right. Did I make mistakes? Yes. Was I purposely failing? No. Was I trying? With everything I had. And it still wasn't enough. I know she's going to read this. I know she's going to get mad. But the reality is what it is.
After a few months I felt better but still not great. We tried again with the same results. That was it. Now it's just me, the dogs & cats and Xander a few days a week. Emmy comes over every once in a while but those will probably be fewer and fewer as time goes on. Teenagers are fickle. Sylvia didn't waste any time moving on. No surprise there. And I'm just sitting here trying to figure out what happens next. My job situation isn't any better than it was at the first of the year. Lyft was paying pretty well but I can't do it full time and it has dried up over the summer. I've picked up odd jobs here or there but it's been feast or famine. One look at my bank account will confirm the famine part. I'm at the point that I'm ready to purge everything I have in order to just get even and start from scratch. It's not a terrible plan but it's only a temporary fix.
I'm not writing any of this to build allies or to blame anyone. This is all stuff that comes with divorce. It's stuff that I never thought about before. It's stuff that crept up on me and caught me completely by surprise. When someone moves out there are holes in your life. Not just emotional and financial but basic needs as well. I had to spend money I hadn't planned for on a new bed, kitchenware, clothes for Xander and more. All stuff that was there one day then gone the next. It's been hard. I've learned how not invulnerable I truly am. But I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere.
July 20, 2017
December 4, 2016
The Wreckage of My Past is Haunting Me
Twenty years ago I was in love. It was the first time I ever fell head over heels for someone and it was a catastrophe. We met at college. More specifically we met in a college theater class. No greater drama exists than the theater romance. And it was dramatic. She was seeing someone else but she and I had connected and the flirtation was heavy when he wasn't around. There was the chase. There was the intrigue. There were other flirtations and secret meetings. There was the (surprising to me) catch. It was all such a whirlwind and the roller coaster ride was all high highs. But the low lows were just about to hit. And they hit hard.
Depression is a disease that sometimes comes out of nowhere. I was dealing with some issues with my alcohol consumption as well. The combination of alcohol withdrawal and depression sent me into a spiral. She didn't understand and I neither did I but I held on to her with everything I could during that hellish December. I knew that she was the one. We were going to get married and have babies and life would be great. Life started falling apart right before Christmas. A bunch of us went out to a club one weekend and these guys kept talking to her and one of her friends. I was introduced to one of the guys as a friend she danced with at a country bar in town. But as the night wore on everyone there noticed how she was spending more time with him than me. I knew something was going on but she kept insisting they were just friends.
It all came to a head on Christmas night. After all the festivities were over and we had settled back into the post Christmas relaxation I decided to go to the movies with some friends. She had told me she was going dancing with her friend, nothing new. After the movies we were back at my house when the phone rang. Being that it was after eleven o'clock I knew something was up. It was her mom wanting to know if she was at my place. I told her no and she told me she had sent multiple pages (this was 1996) but had gotten no response. Since the club was close to my place I told her I would go and check on her daughter.
Once I arrived in the parking lot I drove around looking for her car. I found it on the front row and as luck would have it there was an empty space right next to it. I pulled in and looked over into her car to the shock of my life. There she was in the front seat making out with the guy from a week earlier. I exited my vehicle walked over and tapped on the window. She looked up in shock. I motioned for her to roll down the window and told her to call her mom. I got back into my vehicle and started it up but she started banging on the passenger side window. I still don't know why I let her into the cab of the truck. She started apologizing and trying to explain but I didn't want to hear any of it. After a few minutes I told her to get out and go home. I went back to my house and stayed up the rest of the night trying to process everything.
I wound up staying with her. Dumb, I know. My depression got worse over the next couple months and right when I needed her the most she took off. Our relationship had several starts and stops over the next couple years. Anytime that things got bad she ran. Years later when enough time had passed that we were somewhat friends I told her that I never forgave her for that Christmas night. She looked at me and said, "I know." To tell the truth that twenty-fifth of December some twenty years ago has played a big roll in every relationship since. I have kept women at a distance to insure I didn't get hurt again. No matter how close we got I always maintained enough of a buffer just in case. I've also always maintained loyalty to whom ever I was with no matter how bad things were because I never wanted to cause the type of hurt that I felt after that night.
So here I sit twenty years later writing about something that most would think would be far in the past. But it is something that has affected my life and the lives of those I have loved. My ex-wife asked me many times over the course of our dating and married life why I was so bitter about love. I maintained a maximum distance with her and she still saw the hurt in my life. Even my current situation has been affected by all this. Sylvia has been the recipient of my keeping a distance many times in the past six years. The biggest problem is that I didn't even realize I was still doing it until recently. I love Sylvia deeper than I have ever loved anyone but that scared college kid is still in there wrecking havoc. Now I have to figure out how to pick up the pieces and hopefully mend it all back together.
Depression is a disease that sometimes comes out of nowhere. I was dealing with some issues with my alcohol consumption as well. The combination of alcohol withdrawal and depression sent me into a spiral. She didn't understand and I neither did I but I held on to her with everything I could during that hellish December. I knew that she was the one. We were going to get married and have babies and life would be great. Life started falling apart right before Christmas. A bunch of us went out to a club one weekend and these guys kept talking to her and one of her friends. I was introduced to one of the guys as a friend she danced with at a country bar in town. But as the night wore on everyone there noticed how she was spending more time with him than me. I knew something was going on but she kept insisting they were just friends.
It all came to a head on Christmas night. After all the festivities were over and we had settled back into the post Christmas relaxation I decided to go to the movies with some friends. She had told me she was going dancing with her friend, nothing new. After the movies we were back at my house when the phone rang. Being that it was after eleven o'clock I knew something was up. It was her mom wanting to know if she was at my place. I told her no and she told me she had sent multiple pages (this was 1996) but had gotten no response. Since the club was close to my place I told her I would go and check on her daughter.
Once I arrived in the parking lot I drove around looking for her car. I found it on the front row and as luck would have it there was an empty space right next to it. I pulled in and looked over into her car to the shock of my life. There she was in the front seat making out with the guy from a week earlier. I exited my vehicle walked over and tapped on the window. She looked up in shock. I motioned for her to roll down the window and told her to call her mom. I got back into my vehicle and started it up but she started banging on the passenger side window. I still don't know why I let her into the cab of the truck. She started apologizing and trying to explain but I didn't want to hear any of it. After a few minutes I told her to get out and go home. I went back to my house and stayed up the rest of the night trying to process everything.
I wound up staying with her. Dumb, I know. My depression got worse over the next couple months and right when I needed her the most she took off. Our relationship had several starts and stops over the next couple years. Anytime that things got bad she ran. Years later when enough time had passed that we were somewhat friends I told her that I never forgave her for that Christmas night. She looked at me and said, "I know." To tell the truth that twenty-fifth of December some twenty years ago has played a big roll in every relationship since. I have kept women at a distance to insure I didn't get hurt again. No matter how close we got I always maintained enough of a buffer just in case. I've also always maintained loyalty to whom ever I was with no matter how bad things were because I never wanted to cause the type of hurt that I felt after that night.
So here I sit twenty years later writing about something that most would think would be far in the past. But it is something that has affected my life and the lives of those I have loved. My ex-wife asked me many times over the course of our dating and married life why I was so bitter about love. I maintained a maximum distance with her and she still saw the hurt in my life. Even my current situation has been affected by all this. Sylvia has been the recipient of my keeping a distance many times in the past six years. The biggest problem is that I didn't even realize I was still doing it until recently. I love Sylvia deeper than I have ever loved anyone but that scared college kid is still in there wrecking havoc. Now I have to figure out how to pick up the pieces and hopefully mend it all back together.
December 1, 2016
Are You Ready For a New Sensation?
A lot has happened since I last posted over two years ago. It's hard to believe that I let two years go by without writing anything. I never would have done that in the past. But life gets to you sometimes and things that seem important fall by the wayside. I've been going through some changes as of late. I won't get into the details of the story but needless to say my life was turned upside down recently, in more ways than one. If you have read my blog at all you will know that I have a history with alcoholism and depression. Alcohol is no longer a problem for me but depression and anxiety are serious things that are misunderstood by a lot of people.
After I got sober I wound up in my doctor's office telling her about my issues. She prescribed a medicine I had heard of but did not know much about. That was Lexapro. And what a wonder it was for me. Suddenly I no longer felt sad or anxious. I was doing wonderfully and wanted everyone to know. Eventually she switched me to Celexa and I continued. The problems didn't come to my attention until years down the line. For close to 5 years I was living in a haze but did not realize it. And there were other side effects I won't get into here. The haze took away all my desire to do anything other than go to work and come home to plop down on my couch for the evening. I realized this last year but I was so hazy that I couldn't motivate myself to do anything about it. Eventually this all took a toll on my wife and I cannot blame her for being fed up with me.
In late October she told me I needed to go back to the doctor and tell her about what was happening. So I made the appointment and we discussed options. Switching medication was the best solution. It took a couple weeks of being on the new meds for me to really start to see a difference. And boy, have I felt a difference. The haze is finally gone and I feel like a brand new man. I'm glad my wife convinced me to go to the doctor. I feel better than I have in years and my motivation has found its way back home. 2017 is going to be a fun year.
Fingers crossed and prayers appreciated.
After I got sober I wound up in my doctor's office telling her about my issues. She prescribed a medicine I had heard of but did not know much about. That was Lexapro. And what a wonder it was for me. Suddenly I no longer felt sad or anxious. I was doing wonderfully and wanted everyone to know. Eventually she switched me to Celexa and I continued. The problems didn't come to my attention until years down the line. For close to 5 years I was living in a haze but did not realize it. And there were other side effects I won't get into here. The haze took away all my desire to do anything other than go to work and come home to plop down on my couch for the evening. I realized this last year but I was so hazy that I couldn't motivate myself to do anything about it. Eventually this all took a toll on my wife and I cannot blame her for being fed up with me.
In late October she told me I needed to go back to the doctor and tell her about what was happening. So I made the appointment and we discussed options. Switching medication was the best solution. It took a couple weeks of being on the new meds for me to really start to see a difference. And boy, have I felt a difference. The haze is finally gone and I feel like a brand new man. I'm glad my wife convinced me to go to the doctor. I feel better than I have in years and my motivation has found its way back home. 2017 is going to be a fun year.
Fingers crossed and prayers appreciated.
November 2, 2014
I Am A Quitter...
On November 1, 2009 I had my last drink of alcohol.
It is hard to believe that five years have slipped by without even the slightest desire to have another drink. For close to ten years prior there were very few days that passed without alcohol being a part of my routine. It didn't start out that way. In the beginning it was fun. Then it became a coping mechanism. By the end it was a way of life. No one starts out to be an alcoholic. It's just something that quietly slips into your life and reassures you that everything is fine. But I can tell you unequivocally that nothing was fine. In fact, everything was about as far from fine as one can get before you start the journey back around the world. But that bottle of liquid will convince you otherwise.
Like I said, it started out as fun. I didn't really start drinking until I was twenty-one. I had just come off of a really bad year that included a break-up. At the time I enjoyed having my freedom again but as time wore on I found myself growing increasingly lonely. Being a social person I really enjoyed going out which included drinking. It was fun. It was social. It was becoming my thing. But in a few months it started morphing into something else.
Over the course of a year my family faced four losses that all seemed to come from nowhere. Being in my early twenties and not being mature enough to deal with so much in such a small amount of time I sought alternate ways to deal. This "dealing" came to a head when I was twenty-two and was facing being arrested for an alcohol related incident. I actually recognized the potential for a problem at this point and volunteered to attend AA meetings to avoid arrest. I actually stayed sober for close to four months then life hit me again. A double kick in the gut as a very deep depression hit me and my girlfriend broke up with me. I started self-medicating. After I got through the worst of the depression things seemed to get better. At least I convinced myself it had.
A couple years later I was living by myself for the first time and alcohol was now a pass time. I'd come home from work, have a couple beers and relax. A couple beers soon turned into a six pack. After a year of living alone I took in a roommate. Then a another one six months later. Now I had live in drinking buddies. Whereas when I was living alone I drank to pass the time now it was a challenge. I couldn't let someone else drink more than me. It was my house and dammit no one was going to come into my house and drink more than me. This mentality carried on until I got married at twenty-nine.
Once I was married drinking became a way to try and forget what a huge mistake I had made. It also became the means by which I wallowed in self loathing and feeling like my life was over now that I was in my thirties. I spun out of control through my early thirties, trying desperately to recapture just a small part of my twenties and to maybe drink myself to death in the process. Actually, I had resigned myself to the fact that I was going to drink myself to death. I was okay with it. I had accepted it. It was just the way it was going to be.
From thirty to thirty-five I could probably count on both my hands how many days I didn't drink. Needless to say my marriage ended after a few years. I can't blame her for leaving. I was not pleasant to be around at that time even if I wasn't drinking. Although my alcoholism wasn't the sole reason for the marriage to fail it was definitely a big contributing factor. So now I found myself in my mid-thirties and single again. I was looking forward to this. Hell, I had longed for this for most of the time I was married. But things had changed in the years I had been off the market. Now I was five years older, forty pounds heavier and had a near fatal drinking problem. But maybe worst of all, I knew all of these things. And knowing that I had nothing to give just added to the problem.
Over the next year and a half I sank like a rock. Many things happened over that time but the one thing that really set things in motion for me to hit rock bottom was the death of my friend Bristow. He was sick for a couple years and he had been told that his life would be shortened because of his sickness but none of us thought it would happen so quickly. It came as a shock from the blue and set in motion a perfect storm in my life that would lead to one faithful night.
Losing Bristow at such a young age sat on top of another bout with depression that was as bad as any I had ever experienced. Add in woman trouble and a sudden on set of anxiety attacks and I found myself sitting at home alone with the lights off night after night. The computer, my roommate's dog and a case of beer were the only things I felt I could count on anymore. After a couple weeks of this behavior I decided it was time. In October of 2009 I was planning my exit strategy. In my depressed state I had convinced myself that I was terminally sick. Not based on any actual medical diagnosis but just from my own sense of impending doom. It was true that I was having some very unnatural pains in my side and issues with digestion. Later I would find out that my drinking was causing this and have not had any problems since I stopped.
Since I was "sick" I started planning out how to end it all. I was not going to go out with tubes and needles sticking out of me. But I couldn't go out with a bunch of questions lingering. I was going to leave a note that explained it all. Except I was having trouble writing the note. I found myself standing in the shower a lot going over the note in my head and crying uncontrollably. And no one knew this. My roommate was either working or with her boyfriend at night so I was at home alone most of the time. I later told her that she had no idea just how in danger she was of coming home and finding me dead. This was not hyperbole.
Halloween was fast approaching and I was spinning further and further out of control but I didn't usually go out on Halloween because the amateur drinkers go out that night and screw everything up for the rest of us. I had been invited to a party and as the night wore on I just couldn't sit at home any longer. So I drove to the party and stayed until around 2 a.m. I didn't have anything to drink that night. I just sat in the kitchen and talked to a friend who was in the medical profession. I told him a lot of what was going on with me but not everything. He suggested I should go to the doctor about the anxiety attacks. I took this into consideration but knew I wouldn't be around to take the advice. On the way home that night I was nearly hit by a drunk driver who came over into my lane as they passed me.
November 1st was a Sunday. I spent Sundays at Red Door East with various regulars but this night not that many were there. Most were home recovering from the night before but my friend Tony was there. We sat for hours pounding down beer and talking. When I finally got to the point I was ready to leave I did something I never did. I called my roommate to come get me. Usually I would just get in my car and drive home. I had driven drunk so many times that it was second nature by now. But this night I did the right thing. Mave came and got me and on the way home I told her I was sick. She made a joke about what disease I might have and I began to cry. I told her everything that was happening. Including my plans. I spilled it all out that night. My reasons for wanting to end it, my plan for how and the fact that the only thing stopping me was my ten year old cousin who I couldn't just leave without giving a reason why. I cried more that night than I probably ever had before. Eventually I fell asleep from exhaustion.
The next morning I woke up with a terrible headache and a sense of dread. I knew what was coming. I knew she was going to talk to my family. And she did. As well as one of my best friends. He called me later that day and we had dinner that night. We talked and I assured him I wasn't going to do anything stupid. The next day I had a long talk with my dad. I was dreading this talk the most. Mainly it was because I had never talked about my drinking with my family. That day I admitted I had a problem. I had known this for some time. A year earlier I had gotten completely loaded up the night before Thanksgiving and had no idea how I got home. I almost missed the family dinner I was so hung over. I vowed to stop then but I only lasted a few days. Now it was do or die, literally.
I remember waking up on November 2nd and having a different feeling than the day before. It felt like a change had occurred. I felt different. I felt like I could do this. Over the next few weeks I settled into a routine of work, the gym and as much sleep as I could get. I slept more during those first couple months of sobriety than I had slept in years. I really believe I was making up for the past fifteen years of not sleeping. I also went to the doctor and after a barrage of tests was prescribed something for anxiety. I changed my diet and shed fifteen pounds. By the time I was ninety days sober I looked like a completely different person. And it wasn't just my physical appearance that changed, my attitude toward the world made a complete 180 degree turn. I loved myself for the first time ever. Just the way I was.
Ninety days turned to six months and before I hit one year of sobriety I met the love of my life. Sylvia and I were married seven months later and on December 16, 2013 our son was born. In four short years I went from planning suicide to being married and having a son. It is truly amazing how life can turn around in a small amount of time. If you had asked me on November 1, 2009 where I would be in five years I would have answered, "dead." Now I can't imagine my life before. It all seems like a bad dream and I would rather forget that person but I can't. Luckily my wife and kids will never know that person and never see me in that state. That is the greatest gift I can give them.
Today I am a teetotaler. When I say I haven't had alcohol in five years I mean I have not had a drop in that time. And my life is better for it. I would not be writing this today if I had not stopped drinking. Just because I stopped it does not mean that I am a expert but there are people who are. They are professionals and can help. The best advice I can give is have a support system. About a week after my realization I contacted my closest friends and told them all what was going on in my life. Between my friends and family I had the best support system that I cold have asked for. Some people find that support in out-patient treatment and others in programs like Alcoholics Anonymous. Whatever suits your needs is what works. If I can get sober then anyone can. It won't always be easy but the end result is worth it.
It is hard to believe that five years have slipped by without even the slightest desire to have another drink. For close to ten years prior there were very few days that passed without alcohol being a part of my routine. It didn't start out that way. In the beginning it was fun. Then it became a coping mechanism. By the end it was a way of life. No one starts out to be an alcoholic. It's just something that quietly slips into your life and reassures you that everything is fine. But I can tell you unequivocally that nothing was fine. In fact, everything was about as far from fine as one can get before you start the journey back around the world. But that bottle of liquid will convince you otherwise.
Like I said, it started out as fun. I didn't really start drinking until I was twenty-one. I had just come off of a really bad year that included a break-up. At the time I enjoyed having my freedom again but as time wore on I found myself growing increasingly lonely. Being a social person I really enjoyed going out which included drinking. It was fun. It was social. It was becoming my thing. But in a few months it started morphing into something else.
Over the course of a year my family faced four losses that all seemed to come from nowhere. Being in my early twenties and not being mature enough to deal with so much in such a small amount of time I sought alternate ways to deal. This "dealing" came to a head when I was twenty-two and was facing being arrested for an alcohol related incident. I actually recognized the potential for a problem at this point and volunteered to attend AA meetings to avoid arrest. I actually stayed sober for close to four months then life hit me again. A double kick in the gut as a very deep depression hit me and my girlfriend broke up with me. I started self-medicating. After I got through the worst of the depression things seemed to get better. At least I convinced myself it had.
A couple years later I was living by myself for the first time and alcohol was now a pass time. I'd come home from work, have a couple beers and relax. A couple beers soon turned into a six pack. After a year of living alone I took in a roommate. Then a another one six months later. Now I had live in drinking buddies. Whereas when I was living alone I drank to pass the time now it was a challenge. I couldn't let someone else drink more than me. It was my house and dammit no one was going to come into my house and drink more than me. This mentality carried on until I got married at twenty-nine.
Once I was married drinking became a way to try and forget what a huge mistake I had made. It also became the means by which I wallowed in self loathing and feeling like my life was over now that I was in my thirties. I spun out of control through my early thirties, trying desperately to recapture just a small part of my twenties and to maybe drink myself to death in the process. Actually, I had resigned myself to the fact that I was going to drink myself to death. I was okay with it. I had accepted it. It was just the way it was going to be.
From thirty to thirty-five I could probably count on both my hands how many days I didn't drink. Needless to say my marriage ended after a few years. I can't blame her for leaving. I was not pleasant to be around at that time even if I wasn't drinking. Although my alcoholism wasn't the sole reason for the marriage to fail it was definitely a big contributing factor. So now I found myself in my mid-thirties and single again. I was looking forward to this. Hell, I had longed for this for most of the time I was married. But things had changed in the years I had been off the market. Now I was five years older, forty pounds heavier and had a near fatal drinking problem. But maybe worst of all, I knew all of these things. And knowing that I had nothing to give just added to the problem.
Over the next year and a half I sank like a rock. Many things happened over that time but the one thing that really set things in motion for me to hit rock bottom was the death of my friend Bristow. He was sick for a couple years and he had been told that his life would be shortened because of his sickness but none of us thought it would happen so quickly. It came as a shock from the blue and set in motion a perfect storm in my life that would lead to one faithful night.
Losing Bristow at such a young age sat on top of another bout with depression that was as bad as any I had ever experienced. Add in woman trouble and a sudden on set of anxiety attacks and I found myself sitting at home alone with the lights off night after night. The computer, my roommate's dog and a case of beer were the only things I felt I could count on anymore. After a couple weeks of this behavior I decided it was time. In October of 2009 I was planning my exit strategy. In my depressed state I had convinced myself that I was terminally sick. Not based on any actual medical diagnosis but just from my own sense of impending doom. It was true that I was having some very unnatural pains in my side and issues with digestion. Later I would find out that my drinking was causing this and have not had any problems since I stopped.
Since I was "sick" I started planning out how to end it all. I was not going to go out with tubes and needles sticking out of me. But I couldn't go out with a bunch of questions lingering. I was going to leave a note that explained it all. Except I was having trouble writing the note. I found myself standing in the shower a lot going over the note in my head and crying uncontrollably. And no one knew this. My roommate was either working or with her boyfriend at night so I was at home alone most of the time. I later told her that she had no idea just how in danger she was of coming home and finding me dead. This was not hyperbole.
Halloween was fast approaching and I was spinning further and further out of control but I didn't usually go out on Halloween because the amateur drinkers go out that night and screw everything up for the rest of us. I had been invited to a party and as the night wore on I just couldn't sit at home any longer. So I drove to the party and stayed until around 2 a.m. I didn't have anything to drink that night. I just sat in the kitchen and talked to a friend who was in the medical profession. I told him a lot of what was going on with me but not everything. He suggested I should go to the doctor about the anxiety attacks. I took this into consideration but knew I wouldn't be around to take the advice. On the way home that night I was nearly hit by a drunk driver who came over into my lane as they passed me.
November 1st was a Sunday. I spent Sundays at Red Door East with various regulars but this night not that many were there. Most were home recovering from the night before but my friend Tony was there. We sat for hours pounding down beer and talking. When I finally got to the point I was ready to leave I did something I never did. I called my roommate to come get me. Usually I would just get in my car and drive home. I had driven drunk so many times that it was second nature by now. But this night I did the right thing. Mave came and got me and on the way home I told her I was sick. She made a joke about what disease I might have and I began to cry. I told her everything that was happening. Including my plans. I spilled it all out that night. My reasons for wanting to end it, my plan for how and the fact that the only thing stopping me was my ten year old cousin who I couldn't just leave without giving a reason why. I cried more that night than I probably ever had before. Eventually I fell asleep from exhaustion.
The next morning I woke up with a terrible headache and a sense of dread. I knew what was coming. I knew she was going to talk to my family. And she did. As well as one of my best friends. He called me later that day and we had dinner that night. We talked and I assured him I wasn't going to do anything stupid. The next day I had a long talk with my dad. I was dreading this talk the most. Mainly it was because I had never talked about my drinking with my family. That day I admitted I had a problem. I had known this for some time. A year earlier I had gotten completely loaded up the night before Thanksgiving and had no idea how I got home. I almost missed the family dinner I was so hung over. I vowed to stop then but I only lasted a few days. Now it was do or die, literally.
I remember waking up on November 2nd and having a different feeling than the day before. It felt like a change had occurred. I felt different. I felt like I could do this. Over the next few weeks I settled into a routine of work, the gym and as much sleep as I could get. I slept more during those first couple months of sobriety than I had slept in years. I really believe I was making up for the past fifteen years of not sleeping. I also went to the doctor and after a barrage of tests was prescribed something for anxiety. I changed my diet and shed fifteen pounds. By the time I was ninety days sober I looked like a completely different person. And it wasn't just my physical appearance that changed, my attitude toward the world made a complete 180 degree turn. I loved myself for the first time ever. Just the way I was.
Ninety days turned to six months and before I hit one year of sobriety I met the love of my life. Sylvia and I were married seven months later and on December 16, 2013 our son was born. In four short years I went from planning suicide to being married and having a son. It is truly amazing how life can turn around in a small amount of time. If you had asked me on November 1, 2009 where I would be in five years I would have answered, "dead." Now I can't imagine my life before. It all seems like a bad dream and I would rather forget that person but I can't. Luckily my wife and kids will never know that person and never see me in that state. That is the greatest gift I can give them.
Today I am a teetotaler. When I say I haven't had alcohol in five years I mean I have not had a drop in that time. And my life is better for it. I would not be writing this today if I had not stopped drinking. Just because I stopped it does not mean that I am a expert but there are people who are. They are professionals and can help. The best advice I can give is have a support system. About a week after my realization I contacted my closest friends and told them all what was going on in my life. Between my friends and family I had the best support system that I cold have asked for. Some people find that support in out-patient treatment and others in programs like Alcoholics Anonymous. Whatever suits your needs is what works. If I can get sober then anyone can. It won't always be easy but the end result is worth it.
December 29, 2012
What More Can I Do?
It is sometimes difficult to express the things that make me angry and really want to scream. I don't like to scream. In fact I really hate screaming and yelling. Nothing gets resolved and only hurt feelings are left. I resolved myself to not do this any longer a long time ago. I think we would be better off as a society if we could learn what is truly worth arguing about and leaving the rest to dry up and blow away on a bitter wind. We might just get along. But what I think is worth arguing over and what someone else thinks is worth arguing over don't usually sync. My father told me when I was young not to sweat the small stuff and in the end it's all small stuff. Dad was right about that and I've been a much happier person since I chose to start living by those words. But lately I have been angry, a lot.
As most of you know my wife had a miscarriage at the start of November. This was the single most devastating thing to ever happen to me. I know we are not the first family to go through this and I have a new understanding and empathy for anyone who has suffered this way. When Sylvia called me to tell me the news I could tell she was upset. I held it together as much as I could in the days following until it didn't hurt as much. After awhile the sadness subsided but anger crept in to fill the void. I found myself getting mad because I knew I would be a great father. I got mad because of all the terrible people who have been allowed to have children. And I got mad because of this .
I'm not trying to throw my wife under the bus here. When I read that blog I got angry because she said she wouldn't be too upset if she miscarried. That isn't what that blog was about. She was writing about all the emotions she was going through and I picked out one sentence to focus on. But then I got angry at myself because the same thing had entered my mind. It wasn't how I really felt (and neither did she) but that horrible thought had crossed my mind in the beginning and no matter how much I truly wanted that baby I couldn't shake the anger at myself for having such a selfish thought. To be honest I had more than a couple urges to start drinking again. Luckily a strong will and a long memory prevented that. Still all this bottled up anger hasn't been good for me. I have been more confrontational as of late. I've also been pretty sensitive lately.
Now me being me I don't show vulnerability like most. I have a tendency to over compensate then kind of hold it over people's heads a bit. I also have a tendency to become extra smartassed and snarky. And I have done all these things in the last two months. My wife has seen my mood swing all over the place and back again. She's been a real trooper. But Christmas was the worst.
We had a good Christmas but I wasn't on my best behavior. I picked. I prodded. I was a first class smartass. I said dumb things and passive-aggressively took my anger out on her. No matter how many times I "set my head right" and apologized I still fell back into my coping mechanisms of choice. And I am still angry about losing the baby! It just isn't fair! I have wanted children for as long as I can remember. That was a major issue with my first wife. She didn't bother to tell me she didn't want kids until after we were married. As time wore on and I resigned myself to not having kids then I met Sylvia. She already had a beautiful little girl but wanted to have more. After we got married we talked about it. We prayed about it. And we decided this year we'd try. Except she kept changing her mind. But then she got pregnant and I knew if I was going to have children of my own this was my last chance. I was more than ecstatic. Then to have the thing I have wanted most in my life taken away was just too much.
We're talking about trying again but I'm scared. And I'm not too sure anymore. I do want kids but I don't know if I can get past this loss soon enough. I'll be forty in just over a year and that much of an age gap is monumental. I don't think it would be fair to the kid to have a dad that's so much older and can't keep up with him or her. I wore myself out playing with my cousins for one day, what will it be like having one around full time? Emmy is a great kid. I adore her and love the time we spend together but she has a dad already. A good dad. And I don't know where I fit in the mix a lot of times. Being a step-father is tricky and after almost two years there are still times I completely feel like an unnecessary piece of the puzzle.
So much happened in such a small amount of time it has all been kinda confusing. Christmas was good. I enjoyed spending time with the family, more this year than I ever have. But there were still those moments that it would hit me. I went into the storage closet to get the presents on Christmas eve and saw the unopened baby furniture and the stuffed dog I bought for the baby. I watched Emmy open her presents and wondered if I'd ever watch my own children do the same. And I spent way too much money to try and make everyone's Christmas a little brighter. It has all wore on me and I don't know how to go on from here. I spent so much time trying to comfort others and telling friends and family that it was okay and now I'm stuck in this limbo of emotions that I'm having a hard time dealing with it. Something has got to give, soon.
As most of you know my wife had a miscarriage at the start of November. This was the single most devastating thing to ever happen to me. I know we are not the first family to go through this and I have a new understanding and empathy for anyone who has suffered this way. When Sylvia called me to tell me the news I could tell she was upset. I held it together as much as I could in the days following until it didn't hurt as much. After awhile the sadness subsided but anger crept in to fill the void. I found myself getting mad because I knew I would be a great father. I got mad because of all the terrible people who have been allowed to have children. And I got mad because of this .
I'm not trying to throw my wife under the bus here. When I read that blog I got angry because she said she wouldn't be too upset if she miscarried. That isn't what that blog was about. She was writing about all the emotions she was going through and I picked out one sentence to focus on. But then I got angry at myself because the same thing had entered my mind. It wasn't how I really felt (and neither did she) but that horrible thought had crossed my mind in the beginning and no matter how much I truly wanted that baby I couldn't shake the anger at myself for having such a selfish thought. To be honest I had more than a couple urges to start drinking again. Luckily a strong will and a long memory prevented that. Still all this bottled up anger hasn't been good for me. I have been more confrontational as of late. I've also been pretty sensitive lately.
Now me being me I don't show vulnerability like most. I have a tendency to over compensate then kind of hold it over people's heads a bit. I also have a tendency to become extra smartassed and snarky. And I have done all these things in the last two months. My wife has seen my mood swing all over the place and back again. She's been a real trooper. But Christmas was the worst.
We had a good Christmas but I wasn't on my best behavior. I picked. I prodded. I was a first class smartass. I said dumb things and passive-aggressively took my anger out on her. No matter how many times I "set my head right" and apologized I still fell back into my coping mechanisms of choice. And I am still angry about losing the baby! It just isn't fair! I have wanted children for as long as I can remember. That was a major issue with my first wife. She didn't bother to tell me she didn't want kids until after we were married. As time wore on and I resigned myself to not having kids then I met Sylvia. She already had a beautiful little girl but wanted to have more. After we got married we talked about it. We prayed about it. And we decided this year we'd try. Except she kept changing her mind. But then she got pregnant and I knew if I was going to have children of my own this was my last chance. I was more than ecstatic. Then to have the thing I have wanted most in my life taken away was just too much.
We're talking about trying again but I'm scared. And I'm not too sure anymore. I do want kids but I don't know if I can get past this loss soon enough. I'll be forty in just over a year and that much of an age gap is monumental. I don't think it would be fair to the kid to have a dad that's so much older and can't keep up with him or her. I wore myself out playing with my cousins for one day, what will it be like having one around full time? Emmy is a great kid. I adore her and love the time we spend together but she has a dad already. A good dad. And I don't know where I fit in the mix a lot of times. Being a step-father is tricky and after almost two years there are still times I completely feel like an unnecessary piece of the puzzle.
So much happened in such a small amount of time it has all been kinda confusing. Christmas was good. I enjoyed spending time with the family, more this year than I ever have. But there were still those moments that it would hit me. I went into the storage closet to get the presents on Christmas eve and saw the unopened baby furniture and the stuffed dog I bought for the baby. I watched Emmy open her presents and wondered if I'd ever watch my own children do the same. And I spent way too much money to try and make everyone's Christmas a little brighter. It has all wore on me and I don't know how to go on from here. I spent so much time trying to comfort others and telling friends and family that it was okay and now I'm stuck in this limbo of emotions that I'm having a hard time dealing with it. Something has got to give, soon.
November 29, 2012
One Last Call for Alcohol...
At closing time on November 30, 2012 the Beer Seller in downtown Nashville will lock its doors forever. It is hard to believe that an establishment that played such a big roll in my life for so many years will finally end its run. Ten years ago the Ardvarks ruled that place. We never paid a cover. We never waited in line. Some nights we didn't even pay our tab. We always had a good time and we were always there together. And no matter how far we roamed away from Nashville we always eventually came back to our home away from home. We saw the staff turn over like all bars do but if you ever worked there you will always be associated with the Beer Seller.
It all stared for me around 1998 or 1999. My friend Richard from high school called me one day and said the gang was going to this new bar that had opened downtown. They had gone there the weekend before and really enjoyed it so I agreed and we were off. I still remember looking at all those taps and the beer menu wondering what to order. That was the night I discovered Woodchuck Cider. But the real memories started when I started hanging out with the Ardvarks. Brodie, Toad, Bunnie, Brock and I wound up at the Beer Seller the first time we all went out together. We took over the bar before long and made instant friends with the staff, mainly because we spent a lot of money. But it was also because we changed the atmosphere once we entered the bar. After that night we knew we had a new home.
The next time we went out we discovered Thursday night 2 for 1 and Tall Paul. That was the beginning of a beautiful relationship that lasted for many years. Thursday nights were magical throughout the spring and summer of 2001. Dancing in the District was still going on at Riverfront Park at the time and everyone would pour into the place after the show. Tall Paul would crank out the tunes and the laughter never stopped. In 2003 Toad brought Santarchy to Nashville in the form of Santa Rampage. Where else would we start but the Beer Seller? Thus began the yearly gathering of Santas that we saw grow from a hand full of people to over three hundred the last year I attended in 2009.
But eventually every good thing comes to an end. Tall Paul ended his tenure with the Seller around 2005 and several other acts tried to fill the void but none came close. Also around this time a new scene had started both across the river in East Nashville as well as on the west end of town on Demonbreun St. near Vanderbilt and the college kids stopped traveling across town to drink. The number of customers fell off and things just weren't the same. I also developed a severe drinking problem around this time and I journeyed out of my house less and less over time. I have been to the Beer Seller once since I faced my addiction to play a benefit show for flood relief in May of 2010. It was a good night but bittersweet. I sat there sober and looked around the bar remembering all the "good times" I'd had there and how chasing that feeling had eventually led me to a very bad place. I left that night grateful to be alive and I remember stopping at the stairs and taking a long look at the place. I had a feeling that might be the last time I was ever in the Beer Seller. But I was wrong.
Hearing today that the Beer Seller was closing made my heart hurt. I don't miss my drinking days. I don't miss being young and knowing better but just not caring. Given the opportunity to go back and do it all over again I wouldn't. I already lived it once and it was all I hoped it would be. Looking back the Beer Seller was more than a hangout. True friendships were forged there. Brodie, Toad and I were as tight as any three brothers could be because of those nights at the Seller. The first time I hung out with Rob was at the Seller. When Toad came back from traveling the western United States he met us at the Seller on a Thursday night; fresh from the road and back home where he belonged. The night after Bristow died we all gathered at the Beer Seller and mourned. I celebrated many birthdays there and helped others do the same. The first time Brodie met his wife was at the Beer Seller. They wouldn't see each other again and start dating until a year later but it was inside those walls that they first met. And both the near perfect trivia game as well as the great collapse happened at the Seller. It was a landing spot for any time of the day, week, month or year. We hijacked bachelorette parties and tried to steal cop cars while hanging out in that one little dingy bar located at 107 Church St in downtown Nashville, underneath the Hooters. It was magical for a time. A time I plan to say goodbye to with friends and a raised glass (of water). I have many pictures from those days but by far my favorite one is of Brodie, Toad, Andy and myself in the summer of 2001. I'm sure it was a Thursday night and in my mind Tall Paul is playing "Easy" and we had all the time in the world. So goodbye to you old friend. You were instrumental in me finding me and you will be missed.
It all stared for me around 1998 or 1999. My friend Richard from high school called me one day and said the gang was going to this new bar that had opened downtown. They had gone there the weekend before and really enjoyed it so I agreed and we were off. I still remember looking at all those taps and the beer menu wondering what to order. That was the night I discovered Woodchuck Cider. But the real memories started when I started hanging out with the Ardvarks. Brodie, Toad, Bunnie, Brock and I wound up at the Beer Seller the first time we all went out together. We took over the bar before long and made instant friends with the staff, mainly because we spent a lot of money. But it was also because we changed the atmosphere once we entered the bar. After that night we knew we had a new home.
The next time we went out we discovered Thursday night 2 for 1 and Tall Paul. That was the beginning of a beautiful relationship that lasted for many years. Thursday nights were magical throughout the spring and summer of 2001. Dancing in the District was still going on at Riverfront Park at the time and everyone would pour into the place after the show. Tall Paul would crank out the tunes and the laughter never stopped. In 2003 Toad brought Santarchy to Nashville in the form of Santa Rampage. Where else would we start but the Beer Seller? Thus began the yearly gathering of Santas that we saw grow from a hand full of people to over three hundred the last year I attended in 2009.
But eventually every good thing comes to an end. Tall Paul ended his tenure with the Seller around 2005 and several other acts tried to fill the void but none came close. Also around this time a new scene had started both across the river in East Nashville as well as on the west end of town on Demonbreun St. near Vanderbilt and the college kids stopped traveling across town to drink. The number of customers fell off and things just weren't the same. I also developed a severe drinking problem around this time and I journeyed out of my house less and less over time. I have been to the Beer Seller once since I faced my addiction to play a benefit show for flood relief in May of 2010. It was a good night but bittersweet. I sat there sober and looked around the bar remembering all the "good times" I'd had there and how chasing that feeling had eventually led me to a very bad place. I left that night grateful to be alive and I remember stopping at the stairs and taking a long look at the place. I had a feeling that might be the last time I was ever in the Beer Seller. But I was wrong.
Hearing today that the Beer Seller was closing made my heart hurt. I don't miss my drinking days. I don't miss being young and knowing better but just not caring. Given the opportunity to go back and do it all over again I wouldn't. I already lived it once and it was all I hoped it would be. Looking back the Beer Seller was more than a hangout. True friendships were forged there. Brodie, Toad and I were as tight as any three brothers could be because of those nights at the Seller. The first time I hung out with Rob was at the Seller. When Toad came back from traveling the western United States he met us at the Seller on a Thursday night; fresh from the road and back home where he belonged. The night after Bristow died we all gathered at the Beer Seller and mourned. I celebrated many birthdays there and helped others do the same. The first time Brodie met his wife was at the Beer Seller. They wouldn't see each other again and start dating until a year later but it was inside those walls that they first met. And both the near perfect trivia game as well as the great collapse happened at the Seller. It was a landing spot for any time of the day, week, month or year. We hijacked bachelorette parties and tried to steal cop cars while hanging out in that one little dingy bar located at 107 Church St in downtown Nashville, underneath the Hooters. It was magical for a time. A time I plan to say goodbye to with friends and a raised glass (of water). I have many pictures from those days but by far my favorite one is of Brodie, Toad, Andy and myself in the summer of 2001. I'm sure it was a Thursday night and in my mind Tall Paul is playing "Easy" and we had all the time in the world. So goodbye to you old friend. You were instrumental in me finding me and you will be missed.
November 3, 2012
It's Only Teenage Wasteland...
This Saturday night is my high school twenty year reunion. It is hard to believe it's been that long. It seems like just last week I was sitting in my room listening to Metallica trying to perfect those speedy "gallops" on my guitar (which I never really did). These days I barely play. New interests and priorities keep me too busy to pick up my guitar. That's not to say I don't like to play it just means that I don't have as much free time these days. I'm sure this is the case for everyone from the Davidson Academy Class of 1992.
Part of going back to the reunion for me is to see everyone and who they are now. In high school we were all trying to figure out who we wanted to be (I wanted to be Dylan McKay). Who we all would become didn't happen for several more years. This is a universal thing. Every teenager thinks they know who they are but very few are even in the correct hemisphere from where they will end up. I was no exception. I thought I was going to be a rock star. Axl Rose wouldn't have anything on me once I got my time in the sun. Needless to say that didn't happen. Besides I only played music, David Chaffin was the musician in our class.
We all have that one friend whose acceptance we strive for. Chaffin was mine. He was everything I wasn't: self-confident, smart and an exceptional musician. All through high school I looked to him as an example. I didn't want to be David but I wanted be like him. And I wanted his approval above everyone else. Years later Chaffin and I would go down similar paths in our personal lives. At a time when I really needed support he reached out to me and helped me to get through a very dark place. I will always be grateful to him for that.
So here we are twenty years later. No longer are we bound by the labels we were assigned in high school. Labels like "preppie," "jock," "headbanger," and "alternative" have given way to adult, business owner and parent. We are no longer defined by the things we love but by the ones who love us. I have come to understand just how much I love the people I graduated with over the last few years. I talk to a few people on a regular basis now that I never really hung out with back then and some of my closest friends from that era have been M.I.A. for awhile. But all these years later I am reminded that we all shared time during those formative years and managed to still smile when it was all over.
High school is its own hell and we each have to figure out how to traverse the pitfalls of puberty at a time when the world seems to be both opening up to us and trying to hold us back at the same time. I would not go back and be a teenager again for all the money in the world. Anyone who thinks high school was the best years of their life has a warped sense of reality. As the ten year reunion grew closer I had mixed feelings about going. I really wanted to see everyone but I didn't know why I wanted to be seen so badly. Then a funny thing happened.
I really looked forward to the ten year reunion to show off who I had become. I wasn't a self-conscious and scared kid any longer. I was confident and self assured. I was in great shape. And most importantly I loved who I was. But in the months leading up to the reunion I started realizing that high school wasn't all bad and that most of the bad stuff that happened to me was self-inflicted. I wasn't confident enough in myself to be a part of the "in" crowd. No one held me back or gave me a hard time, I just didn't know that I was as cool as anyone was. This realization made me enjoy that night more than I would have if I had walked in to the room with a ten year old chip on my shoulder. It was a good night.
This time around I helped organize the reunion. My dad has gotten a real laugh out of that one. But I like the way I see high school now as opposed to the way I saw it then. There is no "us and them." In fact there never was. We were all trying to figure it out and as best as I can tell we have done a pretty damn good job. I look forward to seeing old friends and introducing my wife to the people who helped shape me. So here's to the Class of '92. You have always been my friend and I love you all.
Part of going back to the reunion for me is to see everyone and who they are now. In high school we were all trying to figure out who we wanted to be (I wanted to be Dylan McKay). Who we all would become didn't happen for several more years. This is a universal thing. Every teenager thinks they know who they are but very few are even in the correct hemisphere from where they will end up. I was no exception. I thought I was going to be a rock star. Axl Rose wouldn't have anything on me once I got my time in the sun. Needless to say that didn't happen. Besides I only played music, David Chaffin was the musician in our class.
We all have that one friend whose acceptance we strive for. Chaffin was mine. He was everything I wasn't: self-confident, smart and an exceptional musician. All through high school I looked to him as an example. I didn't want to be David but I wanted be like him. And I wanted his approval above everyone else. Years later Chaffin and I would go down similar paths in our personal lives. At a time when I really needed support he reached out to me and helped me to get through a very dark place. I will always be grateful to him for that.
So here we are twenty years later. No longer are we bound by the labels we were assigned in high school. Labels like "preppie," "jock," "headbanger," and "alternative" have given way to adult, business owner and parent. We are no longer defined by the things we love but by the ones who love us. I have come to understand just how much I love the people I graduated with over the last few years. I talk to a few people on a regular basis now that I never really hung out with back then and some of my closest friends from that era have been M.I.A. for awhile. But all these years later I am reminded that we all shared time during those formative years and managed to still smile when it was all over.
High school is its own hell and we each have to figure out how to traverse the pitfalls of puberty at a time when the world seems to be both opening up to us and trying to hold us back at the same time. I would not go back and be a teenager again for all the money in the world. Anyone who thinks high school was the best years of their life has a warped sense of reality. As the ten year reunion grew closer I had mixed feelings about going. I really wanted to see everyone but I didn't know why I wanted to be seen so badly. Then a funny thing happened.
I really looked forward to the ten year reunion to show off who I had become. I wasn't a self-conscious and scared kid any longer. I was confident and self assured. I was in great shape. And most importantly I loved who I was. But in the months leading up to the reunion I started realizing that high school wasn't all bad and that most of the bad stuff that happened to me was self-inflicted. I wasn't confident enough in myself to be a part of the "in" crowd. No one held me back or gave me a hard time, I just didn't know that I was as cool as anyone was. This realization made me enjoy that night more than I would have if I had walked in to the room with a ten year old chip on my shoulder. It was a good night.
This time around I helped organize the reunion. My dad has gotten a real laugh out of that one. But I like the way I see high school now as opposed to the way I saw it then. There is no "us and them." In fact there never was. We were all trying to figure it out and as best as I can tell we have done a pretty damn good job. I look forward to seeing old friends and introducing my wife to the people who helped shape me. So here's to the Class of '92. You have always been my friend and I love you all.
January 31, 2012
Perception Rears Its Ugly Head...Again
I put this up on my facebook page this morning and of course I had several women respond negatively to my surprise at it, "...a woman not looking to be screwed over may favor the humble fellow more than a guy who looks like an arrogant douche." It is a quote from an article on cracked.com about who would have sex with you or some nonsense of the like so you know it's of quality.
Once again the perception is all wrong. The wording on that quote is odd to me. "A woman not looking to get screwed over" kinda bothers me. Who goes out looking to get screwed over? Who just expects it to happen? I have NEVER gone into a situation expecting to get hurt. I have never thought "I think I might like to get screwed over tonight." Maybe this is the difference between men and women or just people who are confident and those that aren't.
I get humility, I just don't think that it's always the way to go. I've never been a self promoter. I always figure that if I'm doing things right people will take notice. But at some point you have to stand up and say, "Look at me."
Being a douche never works out in the long run. And where is the line between being confident and being arrogant. Who determines when you've crossed said line? Am I confident? Yes. Do I cross that line from time to time? Probably. Do I ever set out to screw anyone over? No.
I don't need a lot. I never have. I don't even want a lot. And the things that I do want are things that have a significance to me personally. I've never wanted material things. Some would say that's because growing up I had everything I wanted and there's a bit of truth to that. My parents made sure that I had pretty much anything I wanted and then some. God bless them for that. Now that I'm a parent I feel the same way. I try to give Emmy everything she wants. And always will. But growing up I would have given away all the material things I had for just one thing. I wanted girls to like me.
Now, plenty of girls thought I was a good friend and even more thought I was a nice guy. But that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted girls to like me because I was attractive. I wanted them to like me because I was funny. I wanted them to like me because I was cool. And charming. And talented. And sexy. All the things I really wasn't at that age. And all the things that just wasn't who I was. Through my adolescent and teen years I was fat. I had a pretty bad case of acne and I was more obsessed with video games than talking to girls. Finally during my junior year I dropped close to fifty pounds and started feeling better about myself. Still, there was one girl in particular that tortured my soul for all those years and we were "just friends." And losing weight did nothing to change that.
Looking back on my high school years I can now see that I had more to offer than I ever knew. The problem with me (as it is with so many other kids in that age range) is that I just wasn't comfortable in my skin and lacked any self confidence whatsoever. Even though I had several girlfriends it wouldn't be until I was in my late twenties that I started feeling comfortable with myself. I suddenly realized that girls really did like me. I realized that I was attractive. My self confidence grew quickly over a small amount of time and of course that led to a bit of an ego. Being twenty-seven, single and in the best shape of your life will lead down that path. Looking back I can see where I did become a bit of a narcissus but then it all came crashing down.
About ten years ago I was going to lunch with my then boss and we were talking about life. I remember telling him that I had no intentions of living my thirties the same way I had lived my twenties. From a young age I always looked to the future as a better time. I couldn't wait to be an adult so that I would be better than I was at any given time in my youth. Unfortunately my thirties proved to be an even bigger disaster than any decade prior. I let myself go and I sank into alcoholism. As a result I got fat again. Even though I was in the middle of my first marriage I still felt very unattractive.
I have never (and still do not) think that I am the most attractive guy in the world. Granted, I'm not ugly but I think my personality carries me a lot further than my looks. My ex-wife would tell you just the opposite. My current wife might do the same.
I gained more weight than I ever had before. When I looked in the mirror I did not recognize the person looking back. I started feeling bad physically. My knee started giving me problems. Simply walking up stairs took my breath away. This was all foreign to me and more than a bit jarring. A lot of old insecurities came creeping back into my head and I spiraled. All those insecurities fueled my drinking to new levels and things spiraled even more. After my marriage fell apart I thought I'd just jump back into the dating scene and everything would be fine. Five years and almost sixty pounds had been added to the mix and I found myself in a bad state of mind. I remember a conversation with a close friend during this time and me telling him that I had lost my confidence. He sat back and looked at me like I'd just told him there wasn't a Santa Claus.
Through no trying I somehow lost a good amount of weight over the next year. I felt better physically but mentally I was still pretty down. When I finally stopped drinking and got my mind and body aligned my confidence came back. Now that I'm in my late thirties things are starting to finally look the way I always wanted them to. I remarried last year and am happier than I ever have been. As with most newly married people I have put on a little weight over the first year. I know the general consensus is once you get married there's no one to impress any longer so you let yourself go. I won't do that again. Over the last three months I've lost fifteen pounds. I feel better now. I still have about twenty more pounds to go to get back to where I would feel the most comfortable. I'm not doing this to feed my ego or to get women to notice me. The only woman I want to notice me and be attracted to me is my wife.
If I look in the mirror and don't like what I see I can't imagine my wife likes it either. If I don't feel good about myself then why would she be attracted to me? I have a bunch of clothes in my closet that used to fit me. I don't want to get rid of them because I like those clothes. They aren't very old. Most of them I've had less than two years. If I lose the weight I don't have to buy a new wardrobe. If I'm not overweight and not eating crap them my health will be better and my quality of life will be better. There are so many advantages of losing the weight and being healthier. But the perception has been that I'm doing it to feed my ego. It isn't.
This brings us back to the original point. Now that I'm staring forty in the face and I'm finally at a place in my life where I'm completely comfortable in my skin I realize that it's not about getting girls to like me. It's about having that one person who loves me. And I have her. Sometimes she doesn't understand the way my mind processes things. Sometimes she thinks that I'm a complete douche and self-centered. Sometimes I can't argue that point. But ultimately this whole weight loss thing is just me trying to feel better about the way I look. I put updates on facebook to let people know that I'm doing it. Those little victories are well worth celebrating. I'm excited that I can wear a thirty-four waist again. I'm excited that I don't see a fat old man in the mirror any longer. I'm excited that I have a jaw line again rather than a slope from my chin to my neck. What is perceived as arrogance on my part is not meant that way. I'm just excited to feel and look better.
Once again the perception is all wrong. The wording on that quote is odd to me. "A woman not looking to get screwed over" kinda bothers me. Who goes out looking to get screwed over? Who just expects it to happen? I have NEVER gone into a situation expecting to get hurt. I have never thought "I think I might like to get screwed over tonight." Maybe this is the difference between men and women or just people who are confident and those that aren't.
I get humility, I just don't think that it's always the way to go. I've never been a self promoter. I always figure that if I'm doing things right people will take notice. But at some point you have to stand up and say, "Look at me."
Being a douche never works out in the long run. And where is the line between being confident and being arrogant. Who determines when you've crossed said line? Am I confident? Yes. Do I cross that line from time to time? Probably. Do I ever set out to screw anyone over? No.
I don't need a lot. I never have. I don't even want a lot. And the things that I do want are things that have a significance to me personally. I've never wanted material things. Some would say that's because growing up I had everything I wanted and there's a bit of truth to that. My parents made sure that I had pretty much anything I wanted and then some. God bless them for that. Now that I'm a parent I feel the same way. I try to give Emmy everything she wants. And always will. But growing up I would have given away all the material things I had for just one thing. I wanted girls to like me.
Now, plenty of girls thought I was a good friend and even more thought I was a nice guy. But that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted girls to like me because I was attractive. I wanted them to like me because I was funny. I wanted them to like me because I was cool. And charming. And talented. And sexy. All the things I really wasn't at that age. And all the things that just wasn't who I was. Through my adolescent and teen years I was fat. I had a pretty bad case of acne and I was more obsessed with video games than talking to girls. Finally during my junior year I dropped close to fifty pounds and started feeling better about myself. Still, there was one girl in particular that tortured my soul for all those years and we were "just friends." And losing weight did nothing to change that.
Looking back on my high school years I can now see that I had more to offer than I ever knew. The problem with me (as it is with so many other kids in that age range) is that I just wasn't comfortable in my skin and lacked any self confidence whatsoever. Even though I had several girlfriends it wouldn't be until I was in my late twenties that I started feeling comfortable with myself. I suddenly realized that girls really did like me. I realized that I was attractive. My self confidence grew quickly over a small amount of time and of course that led to a bit of an ego. Being twenty-seven, single and in the best shape of your life will lead down that path. Looking back I can see where I did become a bit of a narcissus but then it all came crashing down.
About ten years ago I was going to lunch with my then boss and we were talking about life. I remember telling him that I had no intentions of living my thirties the same way I had lived my twenties. From a young age I always looked to the future as a better time. I couldn't wait to be an adult so that I would be better than I was at any given time in my youth. Unfortunately my thirties proved to be an even bigger disaster than any decade prior. I let myself go and I sank into alcoholism. As a result I got fat again. Even though I was in the middle of my first marriage I still felt very unattractive.
I gained more weight than I ever had before. When I looked in the mirror I did not recognize the person looking back. I started feeling bad physically. My knee started giving me problems. Simply walking up stairs took my breath away. This was all foreign to me and more than a bit jarring. A lot of old insecurities came creeping back into my head and I spiraled. All those insecurities fueled my drinking to new levels and things spiraled even more. After my marriage fell apart I thought I'd just jump back into the dating scene and everything would be fine. Five years and almost sixty pounds had been added to the mix and I found myself in a bad state of mind. I remember a conversation with a close friend during this time and me telling him that I had lost my confidence. He sat back and looked at me like I'd just told him there wasn't a Santa Claus.
Through no trying I somehow lost a good amount of weight over the next year. I felt better physically but mentally I was still pretty down. When I finally stopped drinking and got my mind and body aligned my confidence came back. Now that I'm in my late thirties things are starting to finally look the way I always wanted them to. I remarried last year and am happier than I ever have been. As with most newly married people I have put on a little weight over the first year. I know the general consensus is once you get married there's no one to impress any longer so you let yourself go. I won't do that again. Over the last three months I've lost fifteen pounds. I feel better now. I still have about twenty more pounds to go to get back to where I would feel the most comfortable. I'm not doing this to feed my ego or to get women to notice me. The only woman I want to notice me and be attracted to me is my wife.
If I look in the mirror and don't like what I see I can't imagine my wife likes it either. If I don't feel good about myself then why would she be attracted to me? I have a bunch of clothes in my closet that used to fit me. I don't want to get rid of them because I like those clothes. They aren't very old. Most of them I've had less than two years. If I lose the weight I don't have to buy a new wardrobe. If I'm not overweight and not eating crap them my health will be better and my quality of life will be better. There are so many advantages of losing the weight and being healthier. But the perception has been that I'm doing it to feed my ego. It isn't.
This brings us back to the original point. Now that I'm staring forty in the face and I'm finally at a place in my life where I'm completely comfortable in my skin I realize that it's not about getting girls to like me. It's about having that one person who loves me. And I have her. Sometimes she doesn't understand the way my mind processes things. Sometimes she thinks that I'm a complete douche and self-centered. Sometimes I can't argue that point. But ultimately this whole weight loss thing is just me trying to feel better about the way I look. I put updates on facebook to let people know that I'm doing it. Those little victories are well worth celebrating. I'm excited that I can wear a thirty-four waist again. I'm excited that I don't see a fat old man in the mirror any longer. I'm excited that I have a jaw line again rather than a slope from my chin to my neck. What is perceived as arrogance on my part is not meant that way. I'm just excited to feel and look better.
January 18, 2012
Another Year, Another Turn Around the Sun
I haven't done a blog in over a year. Mainly this has to do with life being so full and just taking in the amazing things that have happened to me since the beginning of 2011. Planning a wedding and doing home renovations will pretty much put a hold on finding time to write. But things are good. Sylvia and I are closing in on our one year wedding anniversary and the home repairs (as slow as they have been) are coming along nicely. We have even added three new additions to our family with two dogs and a cat in that time. Life is good.
I just celebrated another birthday as well. Thirty-eight marks several milestones for me. The biggest of which is that I have a twenty year class reunion coming up in a few months. That really makes me feel old. I ran into a guy I went to school with last week. He looked old. I could tell he was kinda looking at me like, "I can't believe you're still wearing earrings." Different strokes I guess. The earring thing is still an object of slight contention with some people. A few months ago my wife looks at me and says, "When are going to take out those earrings? I mean, you're almost forty." My reply was, "At what age are you going to take yours out?" Then she gave me the standard answer of it being different for women which I think is crap. I'm saying this to take a shot at Sylvia. Believe me I've heard it from many other people over the last few years. I just don't see why a man having earrings is still such a big deal. I mean this is 2012, aren't we past all those old fashioned social norms by now? Aren't there bigger things to worry about than whether or not a man who is near forty is still rocking earrings? Admittedly at some point it gets a bit ridiculous but I don't feel like I'm there just yet. And when I get there I'll take them out. But not a second before.
Two years ago I wrote a blog about my birthday. I re-read it this morning before I started writing this blog. A lot has changed in two years. I still have some hang ups about my birthday but I've come to accept it and most other holidays (I will never get on board with Valentine's Day) as not just another day on the calender but as a celebration and a time to spend with family. The last two Christmases have been not only enjoyable but I've looked forward to spending time with the people I love. This year I was finally going to actively enjoy my birthday as well.
Last year Sylvia got a full dose of my birthday funk. She was not expecting it and I could tell it really bummed her out. So this year I made a conscious effort to try and enjoy the day. For the first time in so long I can't remember when I actually took off work on the day of my birthday. There have been a couple birthdays I didn't work but that was mainly because of lack of opportunity. When I was a drinker I usually took the day after to recover. As years wore on that recovery time could stretch for days. It wasn't pretty. Thankfully I don't put myself through that any longer.
After last year I could tell that Sylvia was a little gun shy this time around. And who could blame her. She genuinely wanted to give me a nice birthday last year and I pretty much blocked every effort she made. It's true, I can be a bit difficult some times. I'm working on it. But we did spend all day together and I really enjoyed that. She hasn't felt well for a couple weeks and we've had a few surprise financial situations arise so I knew that today was going to be low keyed and I'm fine with that. I don't need a big production. Just spending the day with her was all I needed. I did do something cool though. Last year Sylvia and Emmy got me a gift certificate from Blackbird Tattoo and I finally got around to using it. I had to do some scrambling for money to pay for all the work I had done but I got there. Such is life.
I will say that one thing has kind of bothered me and it is completely my fault. I have never had my birth date on my facebook page. I also have never gone around telling people that my birthday was coming up. Now I am reaping the fallout of this. I did put my birth date on my profile recently and because of that I did hear from some people that I normally wouldn't and I'm grateful for that. But for the most part it was a very quiet day. Very few texts or phone calls. A handful of posts on my facebook wall. No birthday cards in the mail. No cake. No presents. No party.
Like I said there are reasons for all of this. Times are tough right now for a lot of us so no presents or party is understandable. Monday was a federal holiday so the birthday cards would most likely not arrive in a timely manner anyway. The last two years I have done a fast in January and couldn't eat birthday cake and this year I'm trying to shed a few pounds as it is so cake would be counter productive. And as far as the birthday wishes go I have made it down right difficult in the past for anyone to even know it was my birthday let alone wish me a happy one. The people I did hear from are mostly the ones I expected to hear from. They are the few who either have known me long enough to have it on their calendar or would be damned that I was going to stand in the way of them brightening my day. As far as the ones I am closest to who left me alone I know why. I have hid from my birthday for so long that why would this year be any different? Why would thirty-eight be any different than thirty-seven? Or thirty-six? Or thirty-five? Or any of the other birthdays I've fought against over the last, well forever?
It wasn't always like this but it was close. I have had some great birthdays over the years. Twenty-Five through twenty-nine were mostly good. Especially if we skip twenty-seven. Thirty-five was a pretty good one up until the Jager bombs started. After that it's all kind of black. But this year was going to start a new trend for my birthday. I was going to enjoy it. I was going to embrace it. I was going to finally see what everyone else was doing right on their birthday. I guess I should have informed everyone else.
I just celebrated another birthday as well. Thirty-eight marks several milestones for me. The biggest of which is that I have a twenty year class reunion coming up in a few months. That really makes me feel old. I ran into a guy I went to school with last week. He looked old. I could tell he was kinda looking at me like, "I can't believe you're still wearing earrings." Different strokes I guess. The earring thing is still an object of slight contention with some people. A few months ago my wife looks at me and says, "When are going to take out those earrings? I mean, you're almost forty." My reply was, "At what age are you going to take yours out?" Then she gave me the standard answer of it being different for women which I think is crap. I'm saying this to take a shot at Sylvia. Believe me I've heard it from many other people over the last few years. I just don't see why a man having earrings is still such a big deal. I mean this is 2012, aren't we past all those old fashioned social norms by now? Aren't there bigger things to worry about than whether or not a man who is near forty is still rocking earrings? Admittedly at some point it gets a bit ridiculous but I don't feel like I'm there just yet. And when I get there I'll take them out. But not a second before.
Two years ago I wrote a blog about my birthday. I re-read it this morning before I started writing this blog. A lot has changed in two years. I still have some hang ups about my birthday but I've come to accept it and most other holidays (I will never get on board with Valentine's Day) as not just another day on the calender but as a celebration and a time to spend with family. The last two Christmases have been not only enjoyable but I've looked forward to spending time with the people I love. This year I was finally going to actively enjoy my birthday as well.
Last year Sylvia got a full dose of my birthday funk. She was not expecting it and I could tell it really bummed her out. So this year I made a conscious effort to try and enjoy the day. For the first time in so long I can't remember when I actually took off work on the day of my birthday. There have been a couple birthdays I didn't work but that was mainly because of lack of opportunity. When I was a drinker I usually took the day after to recover. As years wore on that recovery time could stretch for days. It wasn't pretty. Thankfully I don't put myself through that any longer.
After last year I could tell that Sylvia was a little gun shy this time around. And who could blame her. She genuinely wanted to give me a nice birthday last year and I pretty much blocked every effort she made. It's true, I can be a bit difficult some times. I'm working on it. But we did spend all day together and I really enjoyed that. She hasn't felt well for a couple weeks and we've had a few surprise financial situations arise so I knew that today was going to be low keyed and I'm fine with that. I don't need a big production. Just spending the day with her was all I needed. I did do something cool though. Last year Sylvia and Emmy got me a gift certificate from Blackbird Tattoo and I finally got around to using it. I had to do some scrambling for money to pay for all the work I had done but I got there. Such is life.
I will say that one thing has kind of bothered me and it is completely my fault. I have never had my birth date on my facebook page. I also have never gone around telling people that my birthday was coming up. Now I am reaping the fallout of this. I did put my birth date on my profile recently and because of that I did hear from some people that I normally wouldn't and I'm grateful for that. But for the most part it was a very quiet day. Very few texts or phone calls. A handful of posts on my facebook wall. No birthday cards in the mail. No cake. No presents. No party.
Like I said there are reasons for all of this. Times are tough right now for a lot of us so no presents or party is understandable. Monday was a federal holiday so the birthday cards would most likely not arrive in a timely manner anyway. The last two years I have done a fast in January and couldn't eat birthday cake and this year I'm trying to shed a few pounds as it is so cake would be counter productive. And as far as the birthday wishes go I have made it down right difficult in the past for anyone to even know it was my birthday let alone wish me a happy one. The people I did hear from are mostly the ones I expected to hear from. They are the few who either have known me long enough to have it on their calendar or would be damned that I was going to stand in the way of them brightening my day. As far as the ones I am closest to who left me alone I know why. I have hid from my birthday for so long that why would this year be any different? Why would thirty-eight be any different than thirty-seven? Or thirty-six? Or thirty-five? Or any of the other birthdays I've fought against over the last, well forever?
It wasn't always like this but it was close. I have had some great birthdays over the years. Twenty-Five through twenty-nine were mostly good. Especially if we skip twenty-seven. Thirty-five was a pretty good one up until the Jager bombs started. After that it's all kind of black. But this year was going to start a new trend for my birthday. I was going to enjoy it. I was going to embrace it. I was going to finally see what everyone else was doing right on their birthday. I guess I should have informed everyone else.
December 29, 2010
2010 - A Review
Where to start? I guess the beginning is the logical place but so much happened that the beginning hardly sounds like a good jumping on point. Let's just hit the high points this round:
- I started playing music again
- I did a thirty day fast
- Auggie Stardust was born
- I started a new job
- I went an entire year without drinking alcohol
- I met the most beautiful and wonderful woman in the world
All this and soooooo much more. It's hard to believe that 2010 is almost over but it was a wonderful year!! Can't wait to see what 2011 has in store for me...
- I started playing music again
- I did a thirty day fast
- Auggie Stardust was born
- I started a new job
- I went an entire year without drinking alcohol
- I met the most beautiful and wonderful woman in the world
All this and soooooo much more. It's hard to believe that 2010 is almost over but it was a wonderful year!! Can't wait to see what 2011 has in store for me...
December 10, 2010
It's Been A While...
Not having an internet connection at the house has really limited by availability to post more of these but I am here today for a brief update. Things have been a little hectic in my world as of late. With a wedding to plan (so excited), Christmas looming (not so excited) and work being at maximum velocity (Christmas strikes again) I just have not had time to breathe let alone blog. But through all of this craziness I have something new in my life that I didn't realize I would love so much.
Sylvia has a daughter named Emily. She is five years old and I am in love. I knew from the beginning that she had a daughter and this is new territory for me. In the past I have shied away from women with children for various reasons. But the more time I spend with both Sylvia and Emily I find myself wanting to spend more time with them both. Last week I got the opportunity to spend a lot of time with Emmy and when she was gone I felt a little empty inside. On top of this my parents are absolutely in love with her. Especially my mom. I can tell I'm really going to have to reign them in so they don't spoil her too much.
And the same goes for me. Every day I find myself thinking about things to get her. Going to the store has become a mine field for me. I have to avoid the toy aisle all together, which cuts into my toy obsession as well. From the beginning Sylvia has been concerned about how I would handle having a child around since I've never had to deal with one day in and day out before. She's always reminding me that children are a big responsibility. And I get it, I just never thought I would fall in so deep so quickly. Christmas is gonna be fun this year!!
Sylvia has a daughter named Emily. She is five years old and I am in love. I knew from the beginning that she had a daughter and this is new territory for me. In the past I have shied away from women with children for various reasons. But the more time I spend with both Sylvia and Emily I find myself wanting to spend more time with them both. Last week I got the opportunity to spend a lot of time with Emmy and when she was gone I felt a little empty inside. On top of this my parents are absolutely in love with her. Especially my mom. I can tell I'm really going to have to reign them in so they don't spoil her too much.
And the same goes for me. Every day I find myself thinking about things to get her. Going to the store has become a mine field for me. I have to avoid the toy aisle all together, which cuts into my toy obsession as well. From the beginning Sylvia has been concerned about how I would handle having a child around since I've never had to deal with one day in and day out before. She's always reminding me that children are a big responsibility. And I get it, I just never thought I would fall in so deep so quickly. Christmas is gonna be fun this year!!
November 1, 2010
One Year Later...
One year ago tonight I had my last drink of alcohol. In all honesty I had many drinks of alcohol that evening. So many that I had to call for a ride home. Thank God for that wisdom. That ride home started me on my path to today. I came clean on a lot of stuff that was going on in my life that night. Included my plans to commit suicide in the coming days. That's the part I haven't disclosed to everyone for the last year. A combination of depression and severe alcohol abuse started me down that path. It's not something I like to think much about these days. Up until that point I never knew what would drive someone to such a desperate measure. And to be honest, I'm still not one hundred percent sure how I got there. But I'm glad I didn't do anything stupid.
The past year of my life has been one continuous amazement after another. Everything before November 1, 2009 feels like a bad dream now. My life has been good, even great over the last twelve months. I've regained a new sense of hope and confidence that I thought was lost to time. I have gotten over my anxiety related to aging. I have started playing music again. I have a job that I care about and enjoy. And to top it all off, I have met the woman who not only softened my heart to mush but she is also the woman I plan to marry. This past year has been an amazing journey, I can't wait to see how the rest of my life plays out.
The past year of my life has been one continuous amazement after another. Everything before November 1, 2009 feels like a bad dream now. My life has been good, even great over the last twelve months. I've regained a new sense of hope and confidence that I thought was lost to time. I have gotten over my anxiety related to aging. I have started playing music again. I have a job that I care about and enjoy. And to top it all off, I have met the woman who not only softened my heart to mush but she is also the woman I plan to marry. This past year has been an amazing journey, I can't wait to see how the rest of my life plays out.
October 1, 2010
Round Here...
I keep going back to these old MySpace blogs because they tell of a much different me. Sometimes it is interesting to see where you were at a different point in your life. This one is about a life changing event that happened to me when I was 23. Enjoy...
Sometimes That's Just About As F***ed-Up As You Can Be...
1997 was a landmark year for me. Over the next few blogs I plan on telling a few stories from that year. So please hold on for a lot of self-indulgence.
February 3, 1997
I HATED the Counting Crows prior to this date. Adam Duritz's whiny voice and their roots rock music was no where near what I wanted to hear. I loved METAL dammit! So when my girlfriend dropped more than a few hints about wanting to go to the show I resisted as much as I could. Finally her constant hints forced me into buying tickets to the show. If nothing else I liked what I had heard from their opening act. She was a new comer on the music scene and sounded like she had some potential. Her name was Fiona Apple.
The night of the show I was blasting Master of Puppets all the way to my girlfriend's house. I was not going to be brought down by a whiny voice and earnest lyrics. I needed to stay "up." The last few months had been rough and I did not need to be dragged down any lower than I already was. She was just going to have to understand that I was only going to this show for her. That's all. It was a tense car ride to TPAC.
Okay, a little back story is needed here. I had been suffering from a serious case of depression for a couple months prior to this concert. As some of you know depression is not a polite disease. It shows up whenever it likes and takes its sweet time in leaving. I guess it really never goes away but the point here is that things had been tense for a while. Add on top of that a really bad situation with some friends and a girlfriend who couldn't have an adult relationship and things got even worse. So this night had a lot of baggage attached.
Anyway, we arrive at TPAC and take our seats. Fiona Apple took the stage and gave a hell of a performance. This looked to be the highlight of my night. In between sets we got up to go to the restroom and on the way I started to have an anxiety attack. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror for what seemed like an eternity trying to talk myself down. When I finally calmed myself I walked back into the hallway and waited for her. My heart felt like it was about to explode. I could hear it beating in my head and I could feel it in my throat. Cold sweat was starting to form on my forehead. I was starting to get scared.
My girlfriend walked up to me and immediately asked if I was okay. I told her what was happening. She just stood there staring at me. I took a few deep breaths and we made our way back to our seats. A few minutes went by before Counting Crows took the stage, a few tense moments. I could sense that there was something she wanted to say, but she never said it. I was not having a good night. Finally the lights went down.
(I'll spare you all the details about set design and set lists. If you want a fairly accurate idea listen to Across A Wire: Live In New York.)
Since I was not a fan of the band I only knew a couple songs but there were two key moments to that night. First was when they played Mr. Jones. I was sick of this song. If you remember alternative radio from 1994 then you know that Mr. Jones played about nine times an hour that year. I hated that song but this night they were playing a different version. It was slow and melancholy and suddenly told the story of my life. About half way through the song I was at the point of tears. Everything that had piled on me for the last few months became intensified in the soft purple stage lights and Adam Duritz's mournful voice. It took everything I had not to loose it right in the middle of the crowd. This song was born new to me that night. It became a friend.
The second moment that blew me away was the song Round Here. I had always secretly loved this song. Many times I had remarked that if someone else did this song it would be great. On this night on this stage the Counting Crows proved to me that no one else needs to touch Round Here. They brought it and they brought hard. If Mr. Jones was melancholy Round Here was deep dark depression. And this too was a different version than I was used to. They made it longer, Adam ad-libed lyrics in the middle and when the song comes back out of the bridge into the final verse Adam did something simple but poetic. He kept repeating the line "The girl on the car in the parking lot says, "Hey man, why don't you take a shot? can't you see my walls are crumbling?" over and over again until the anticipation was unbearable. Then the band kicked back in and the place erupted! Absolutely beautiful.
When the show was over I could not believe what I had just seen. I could not believe what I was thinking. I could not believe that I was now a Counting Crows fan. The next day I went out and bought everything I could find. A few days later I wandered into Disc Go Round (Now called CD Warehouse) and discovered that there were bootleg cds and videos of my new favorite (okay, second favorite) band. Life was good. Since February 3, 1997 I have seen Counting Crows in concert eight other times. That's once more than I've seen U2. But that's a story for another blog...
Sometimes That's Just About As F***ed-Up As You Can Be...
1997 was a landmark year for me. Over the next few blogs I plan on telling a few stories from that year. So please hold on for a lot of self-indulgence.
February 3, 1997
I HATED the Counting Crows prior to this date. Adam Duritz's whiny voice and their roots rock music was no where near what I wanted to hear. I loved METAL dammit! So when my girlfriend dropped more than a few hints about wanting to go to the show I resisted as much as I could. Finally her constant hints forced me into buying tickets to the show. If nothing else I liked what I had heard from their opening act. She was a new comer on the music scene and sounded like she had some potential. Her name was Fiona Apple.
The night of the show I was blasting Master of Puppets all the way to my girlfriend's house. I was not going to be brought down by a whiny voice and earnest lyrics. I needed to stay "up." The last few months had been rough and I did not need to be dragged down any lower than I already was. She was just going to have to understand that I was only going to this show for her. That's all. It was a tense car ride to TPAC.
Okay, a little back story is needed here. I had been suffering from a serious case of depression for a couple months prior to this concert. As some of you know depression is not a polite disease. It shows up whenever it likes and takes its sweet time in leaving. I guess it really never goes away but the point here is that things had been tense for a while. Add on top of that a really bad situation with some friends and a girlfriend who couldn't have an adult relationship and things got even worse. So this night had a lot of baggage attached.
Anyway, we arrive at TPAC and take our seats. Fiona Apple took the stage and gave a hell of a performance. This looked to be the highlight of my night. In between sets we got up to go to the restroom and on the way I started to have an anxiety attack. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror for what seemed like an eternity trying to talk myself down. When I finally calmed myself I walked back into the hallway and waited for her. My heart felt like it was about to explode. I could hear it beating in my head and I could feel it in my throat. Cold sweat was starting to form on my forehead. I was starting to get scared.
My girlfriend walked up to me and immediately asked if I was okay. I told her what was happening. She just stood there staring at me. I took a few deep breaths and we made our way back to our seats. A few minutes went by before Counting Crows took the stage, a few tense moments. I could sense that there was something she wanted to say, but she never said it. I was not having a good night. Finally the lights went down.
(I'll spare you all the details about set design and set lists. If you want a fairly accurate idea listen to Across A Wire: Live In New York.)
Since I was not a fan of the band I only knew a couple songs but there were two key moments to that night. First was when they played Mr. Jones. I was sick of this song. If you remember alternative radio from 1994 then you know that Mr. Jones played about nine times an hour that year. I hated that song but this night they were playing a different version. It was slow and melancholy and suddenly told the story of my life. About half way through the song I was at the point of tears. Everything that had piled on me for the last few months became intensified in the soft purple stage lights and Adam Duritz's mournful voice. It took everything I had not to loose it right in the middle of the crowd. This song was born new to me that night. It became a friend.
The second moment that blew me away was the song Round Here. I had always secretly loved this song. Many times I had remarked that if someone else did this song it would be great. On this night on this stage the Counting Crows proved to me that no one else needs to touch Round Here. They brought it and they brought hard. If Mr. Jones was melancholy Round Here was deep dark depression. And this too was a different version than I was used to. They made it longer, Adam ad-libed lyrics in the middle and when the song comes back out of the bridge into the final verse Adam did something simple but poetic. He kept repeating the line "The girl on the car in the parking lot says, "Hey man, why don't you take a shot? can't you see my walls are crumbling?" over and over again until the anticipation was unbearable. Then the band kicked back in and the place erupted! Absolutely beautiful.
When the show was over I could not believe what I had just seen. I could not believe what I was thinking. I could not believe that I was now a Counting Crows fan. The next day I went out and bought everything I could find. A few days later I wandered into Disc Go Round (Now called CD Warehouse) and discovered that there were bootleg cds and videos of my new favorite (okay, second favorite) band. Life was good. Since February 3, 1997 I have seen Counting Crows in concert eight other times. That's once more than I've seen U2. But that's a story for another blog...
September 28, 2010
Hello, I've Waited Here For You...
The iPod in my head has been on shuffle lately. I must say it has been an interesting mix. I never know where it's headed next but it's been fun. I can say that there is a reason for these random jumps, I have met someone and in a completely unlike me twist I am in love. And I mean IN LOVE!! More to follow...
September 19, 2010
September 16, 2010
I Wanna Be Forever Young...
Tonight a thirteen year old girl told me I acted her age rather than mine. And I guess there is some truth to that. She wasn't trying to imply that I was acting immature just that I don't act the way she imagined a thirty-six year old would act. I thought about it for a minute and told her that in truth no matter the number associated with your age we all really act the same until we die. The only difference is the amount of life experience we each acquire. I've experienced a lot more than she has because I've been alive for twenty-three years longer but ultimately life is the same for us all. Sure, each of our lives have their own unique moments that separate each of us from everyone else but we all hit the same beats along the way. Life is funny like that.
I hung out with a friend last night and we got to talking about some old times. In particular the summer of 1999. We had so much fun that year just running around being young. Road trips and movie premieres and hanging out at Waffle House to all hours of the night. Then he said something that made me think, "That was before alcohol became the social drug of choice." And he was right. That year was the last time I had fun without alcohol being a constant presence...in public. The truth is that was the year alcohol really took a hold on my life. It started out privately. I was living alone for the first time in my life and there were a lot of nights that I drank until I passed out. And I mean A LOT of nights. No one knew about it. It was my secret and I wanted it to stay that way. But that didn't last.
It's true that alcohol had been a part of my life prior and I had even had a problem with it in my early twenties but it started really getting bad once I was alone a lot. And it wasn't just that I was alone, I was lonely. That was the main thing that drove me to drink. I remember one time in particular when I went to see Keeping The Faith. I went by myself, which was and still is a common thing for me to do, and quickly realized it was a date movie. And I was the only single person in the theater. When the movie was over I went straight to the store, bought a twelve pack of beer and drank it all before I finally hit the bed around sunrise. Needless to say I woke up late for work and with a pounding headache. This became normal for me after a very short time.
Alcohol started to dull all my senses. Food didn't taste right, my sense of smell stopped being acute and I slowly stopped caring about the things I loved. Including people. It all became about a quick fix of everything concentrated into right now!! I lived like that for years. Way too many years. In the last ten months things have started to taste better and smell better (sometimes a lot worse than I want). But my sense of love has taken longer to reacquire. I just don't feel like I used to. And I mean feel as in music doesn't move me. On the same note when I meet a girl I don't get a charge. But the worst one is sex. I'm just not into it any longer. And yes, I blame years of alcohol abuse for all these things. Looking back I can draw a steadily descending line through my life as I became more and more dependent on alcohol.
I'm glad to have my life back now and on a positive note I have started to "feel" for music again. It's a growing love that I am privileged to experience twice in my life. For so many years I looked back at that time before alcohol and wished I could go back. At the time I thought it was because I missed my youth. Now I realize that it was a time of pure emotion and amazed wonder, before alcohol ruined it all.
I hung out with a friend last night and we got to talking about some old times. In particular the summer of 1999. We had so much fun that year just running around being young. Road trips and movie premieres and hanging out at Waffle House to all hours of the night. Then he said something that made me think, "That was before alcohol became the social drug of choice." And he was right. That year was the last time I had fun without alcohol being a constant presence...in public. The truth is that was the year alcohol really took a hold on my life. It started out privately. I was living alone for the first time in my life and there were a lot of nights that I drank until I passed out. And I mean A LOT of nights. No one knew about it. It was my secret and I wanted it to stay that way. But that didn't last.
It's true that alcohol had been a part of my life prior and I had even had a problem with it in my early twenties but it started really getting bad once I was alone a lot. And it wasn't just that I was alone, I was lonely. That was the main thing that drove me to drink. I remember one time in particular when I went to see Keeping The Faith. I went by myself, which was and still is a common thing for me to do, and quickly realized it was a date movie. And I was the only single person in the theater. When the movie was over I went straight to the store, bought a twelve pack of beer and drank it all before I finally hit the bed around sunrise. Needless to say I woke up late for work and with a pounding headache. This became normal for me after a very short time.
Alcohol started to dull all my senses. Food didn't taste right, my sense of smell stopped being acute and I slowly stopped caring about the things I loved. Including people. It all became about a quick fix of everything concentrated into right now!! I lived like that for years. Way too many years. In the last ten months things have started to taste better and smell better (sometimes a lot worse than I want). But my sense of love has taken longer to reacquire. I just don't feel like I used to. And I mean feel as in music doesn't move me. On the same note when I meet a girl I don't get a charge. But the worst one is sex. I'm just not into it any longer. And yes, I blame years of alcohol abuse for all these things. Looking back I can draw a steadily descending line through my life as I became more and more dependent on alcohol.
I'm glad to have my life back now and on a positive note I have started to "feel" for music again. It's a growing love that I am privileged to experience twice in my life. For so many years I looked back at that time before alcohol and wished I could go back. At the time I thought it was because I missed my youth. Now I realize that it was a time of pure emotion and amazed wonder, before alcohol ruined it all.
September 14, 2010
The Music Of The Night...
I finally watched the VMAs tonight. I wasn't impressed in the slightest. I guess it's one of those situations where I have out-aged pop culture. This was the first time in several years that I've watched the VMAs and I don't feel I've missed anything. It seems that music has become like video games for me, I enjoy hearing about them more than playing them. I will say that it was refreshing to see Lady Gaga visibly nervous before each category was announced. Too often the people nominated sit there stoic trying not to look like they want to win. It's so un-PC to want to be named the best. And Kanye West reached the height of ego by writing and performing a song all himself. Let's have a toast to the douchebag.
I have been trying to write new songs for awhile now with no luck. More specifically I have been trying to write one song for the last three days. I have the music but no lyrics or melody. The worst part is that I have no idea what to write about. I'm not angry. I try to stay away from politics. Do we really need another love song? I was never any good at writing love songs anyway. I'm not old enough to start writing nostalgia. I don't have any stories about the open road. It's just all too passe. Apparently I peaked in my mid-twenties. Maybe I should leave the songwriting to the real songwriters and just be a performer.
I have been trying to write new songs for awhile now with no luck. More specifically I have been trying to write one song for the last three days. I have the music but no lyrics or melody. The worst part is that I have no idea what to write about. I'm not angry. I try to stay away from politics. Do we really need another love song? I was never any good at writing love songs anyway. I'm not old enough to start writing nostalgia. I don't have any stories about the open road. It's just all too passe. Apparently I peaked in my mid-twenties. Maybe I should leave the songwriting to the real songwriters and just be a performer.
September 12, 2010
Time It Was And What A Time It Was...
This is one of my old MySpace blogs from about five years ago. I thought it was worth re-visiting...
As a result of my uncontrollable deja vu I've decided to make a list of the cool things and places in Nashville that are no longer with us. Feel free to give me further suggestions:
Madison Music - Not because it was a great music store but more because I learned to play guitar inside their doors. I also met Colin there, which led to me meeting Ronnie and Bill. Three life long friends and the gift of music, that's truly special.
Sam Goodie’s (Rivergate) - I spend many hours and much money in that store. I also met Rob there years before we became friends. Now it's a Party City. Poor trade.
Karma - Where the Goths and Punks shopped before there was a Hot Topic. It was located on lower Broadway next to what is now Decades. There is a new store by this same name in the Five Points area, but I don't know if it's anything like the store I knew.
Dangerous Threads - Rock n' Roll clothes in a Country Music Town. I never bought anything here but I loved to go look every time I was on 2nd Ave. They got a little too ambitious and opened two other locations that ultimately dragged them all down.
Tower Books - This was a mandatory stop any time we would go to West End. They had the best magazine rack in town. Now it's just a small corner in the music store and Tweeter took its space.
Stone Mountain - The first place I saw someone do cocaine; an employee no less. Located above Papa John's Pizza on West End, it was part clothing store, part head shop and all cool. It suffered the same fate as Dangerous Threads as expansion to Hickory Hollow Mall and Murfreesboro stretched its coolness too thin.
Lucy's Record Shop - THE place to go for all-ages shows back in the day. Now it's just an abandoned store front. The Nashville Scene did a great article about it before it closed. Here is the link: http://www.nashvillescene.com/Stories/News/1998/01/29/A_Dog_s_Life/index.shtml
Ace Of Clubs - Where there was once a cool club now sits Bar Nashville. I won't even begin to express my thoughts on that place. Instead I will only think good thought about Ace of Clubs. If you've been to Bar then you know that you enter on the 2nd Ave. side. The Ace of Clubs had its entrance through the alleyway between 1st and 2nd. Everything was reversed from what it is now as well as a double catwalk and go-go dancers in cages.
Calypso Cafe (Rivergate) - I know that Calypso is still open but now I have to travel all the way downtown to get the best soup ever. Calypso closed less than a year ago but it feels like an eternity. Every time I drive by that location I look in the hope that it was all a bad dream.
Slow Bar - Slow Bar is the reason that the Five Points area is so cool. Mike Grimey bought that bar on a whim and turned it into a scene. Three Crow Bar is alright but it's a pale substitute.
Classic Cat - This was the destination of many an 18 year old male on their birthday. The Classic Cat was the most famous strip club in town due in part to all the bad press it got for its location. Situated on 8th Ave., behind Hume Fogg Magnet School, just down from a church and a few short blocks from Baptist Bookstore (now Lifeway Christian Resources) it irritated every religious and civic leader in the city. I never got to go there due to the fact that when I turned 18 none of my friends were old enough to get in. By the time we were all of age they had shut down. The building isn't even there any longer. I miss that tacky shinny pink exterior.
328 Performance Hall - The coolest live music venue ever. I saw some great shows there. Black Crowes, Tonic, GWAR, Type O Negative, Anthrax, Slash's Snake Pit, Flickerstick, Buckcherry, Everclear and many more. Some big names played there on their way to the top: NIN, Marilyn Manson, Pantera, Weezer, White Zombie, Alanis Morissette, Matchbox 20, Garth Brooks, Tool, Live, Korn, Rage Against The Machine, Third Eye Blind, Hootie and the Blowfish, Counting Crows, Foo Fighters, Jewel and the Dave Matthews Band. One of Nashville's premier weekly events (that is about to shut down as well) started in the side room of 328: Johnny Jackson's Soul Satisfaction. Progress mandated that the building should not stand in the way of a bridge and now there is just a hole in the ground on 4th Ave. where this great venue once stood.
Guido's Pizzeria - Located directly behind Ben & Jerry's on 21st Ave. South, Guido's had a special place in my heart. That was the first stage I ever performed my music on. Waaaay back in 1994 Colin, Justin, Derrick and I hoped up on that small-ass stage and played at eleven until we ran everyone onto the patio except for the few people we brought with us. Ahh, youth. The influx of hot Vanderbilt girls, music and great Chicago pizza kept me coming back for more. There is still a restaurant in that building but it’s just not the same.
Mainstreet - The club to play if you were in a rock band in the early 90's. Located on (where else?) Main Street in Murphreesboro it was Mecca for every Eddie Vedder or Anthony Keidis wannabe. Cool stage, cool lights and cool bartenders who almost never carded. It became a Yuppie bar with ferns and then Bongo Johnny's. I don't know what it is now but I'm sure it's a far cry from its former grunge rock glory.
The Connection - There would never have been an Excess or Tribe if not for The Connection. Located in one of the worst parts of town it was a great place to get your gay on. Or just hang out and look at hot chicks. I had one of the funniest experiences of my life when I was there with my best friend Kim and her girlfriend a few years ago. I ran into a guy I graduated high school with. I, not being one to let anyone off easy, walked up to him and started a conversation. I have never seen anyone look so uncomfortable in my life. After a few pleasantries I told him I needed to get back to my group. As I started to walk away he blurted out, "I'm not gay!" I assured him that it was ok because I too was there as a heterosexual observer. He replied, "That's cool. I just want you to know I'm not gay!" I walked away laughing to myself. I hear they may re-open and if they do I may have to go check it out again for old time’s sake.
The Underground - Commonly referred to as "that place where all the weirdoes hangout", its location on 2nd Ave was odd considering how touristy that strip is. This was the place to go if you weren't up for the regular dance clubs. I never went to the Underground when it was in its heyday but from what I hear Kristy can tell a few stories. If I'm not mistaken Kim was a semi-regular as well. It's been a series of failed clubs since the Underground closed and I believe the building is vacant now. It should probably stay that way.
City Mix Factory - The first multi-club establishment in Nashville. I spent many nights watching barely dressed girls grind on that dance floor. Being one that doesn't dance I drank a lot and absorbed the atmosphere. Those were good times. The Mix Factory was featured on the second season of Road Rules and had the honor of having Vanilla Ice play the night they shut-down (this was in 2000, long after Vanilla Ice was the joke that he is). The Mix Factory was the place to go for several years until they had a string of shootings and assaults that ultimately led to its closing.
Thunder 94 - This was a great radio station. I miss it more than anything else on this list. Except maybe 328.
That's all I have for now but, as I said before, feel free to write me with your most missed coolness.
As a result of my uncontrollable deja vu I've decided to make a list of the cool things and places in Nashville that are no longer with us. Feel free to give me further suggestions:
Madison Music - Not because it was a great music store but more because I learned to play guitar inside their doors. I also met Colin there, which led to me meeting Ronnie and Bill. Three life long friends and the gift of music, that's truly special.
Sam Goodie’s (Rivergate) - I spend many hours and much money in that store. I also met Rob there years before we became friends. Now it's a Party City. Poor trade.
Karma - Where the Goths and Punks shopped before there was a Hot Topic. It was located on lower Broadway next to what is now Decades. There is a new store by this same name in the Five Points area, but I don't know if it's anything like the store I knew.
Dangerous Threads - Rock n' Roll clothes in a Country Music Town. I never bought anything here but I loved to go look every time I was on 2nd Ave. They got a little too ambitious and opened two other locations that ultimately dragged them all down.
Tower Books - This was a mandatory stop any time we would go to West End. They had the best magazine rack in town. Now it's just a small corner in the music store and Tweeter took its space.
Stone Mountain - The first place I saw someone do cocaine; an employee no less. Located above Papa John's Pizza on West End, it was part clothing store, part head shop and all cool. It suffered the same fate as Dangerous Threads as expansion to Hickory Hollow Mall and Murfreesboro stretched its coolness too thin.
Lucy's Record Shop - THE place to go for all-ages shows back in the day. Now it's just an abandoned store front. The Nashville Scene did a great article about it before it closed. Here is the link: http://www.nashvillescene.com/Stories/News/1998/01/29/A_Dog_s_Life/index.shtml
Ace Of Clubs - Where there was once a cool club now sits Bar Nashville. I won't even begin to express my thoughts on that place. Instead I will only think good thought about Ace of Clubs. If you've been to Bar then you know that you enter on the 2nd Ave. side. The Ace of Clubs had its entrance through the alleyway between 1st and 2nd. Everything was reversed from what it is now as well as a double catwalk and go-go dancers in cages.
Calypso Cafe (Rivergate) - I know that Calypso is still open but now I have to travel all the way downtown to get the best soup ever. Calypso closed less than a year ago but it feels like an eternity. Every time I drive by that location I look in the hope that it was all a bad dream.
Slow Bar - Slow Bar is the reason that the Five Points area is so cool. Mike Grimey bought that bar on a whim and turned it into a scene. Three Crow Bar is alright but it's a pale substitute.
Classic Cat - This was the destination of many an 18 year old male on their birthday. The Classic Cat was the most famous strip club in town due in part to all the bad press it got for its location. Situated on 8th Ave., behind Hume Fogg Magnet School, just down from a church and a few short blocks from Baptist Bookstore (now Lifeway Christian Resources) it irritated every religious and civic leader in the city. I never got to go there due to the fact that when I turned 18 none of my friends were old enough to get in. By the time we were all of age they had shut down. The building isn't even there any longer. I miss that tacky shinny pink exterior.
328 Performance Hall - The coolest live music venue ever. I saw some great shows there. Black Crowes, Tonic, GWAR, Type O Negative, Anthrax, Slash's Snake Pit, Flickerstick, Buckcherry, Everclear and many more. Some big names played there on their way to the top: NIN, Marilyn Manson, Pantera, Weezer, White Zombie, Alanis Morissette, Matchbox 20, Garth Brooks, Tool, Live, Korn, Rage Against The Machine, Third Eye Blind, Hootie and the Blowfish, Counting Crows, Foo Fighters, Jewel and the Dave Matthews Band. One of Nashville's premier weekly events (that is about to shut down as well) started in the side room of 328: Johnny Jackson's Soul Satisfaction. Progress mandated that the building should not stand in the way of a bridge and now there is just a hole in the ground on 4th Ave. where this great venue once stood.
Guido's Pizzeria - Located directly behind Ben & Jerry's on 21st Ave. South, Guido's had a special place in my heart. That was the first stage I ever performed my music on. Waaaay back in 1994 Colin, Justin, Derrick and I hoped up on that small-ass stage and played at eleven until we ran everyone onto the patio except for the few people we brought with us. Ahh, youth. The influx of hot Vanderbilt girls, music and great Chicago pizza kept me coming back for more. There is still a restaurant in that building but it’s just not the same.
Mainstreet - The club to play if you were in a rock band in the early 90's. Located on (where else?) Main Street in Murphreesboro it was Mecca for every Eddie Vedder or Anthony Keidis wannabe. Cool stage, cool lights and cool bartenders who almost never carded. It became a Yuppie bar with ferns and then Bongo Johnny's. I don't know what it is now but I'm sure it's a far cry from its former grunge rock glory.
The Connection - There would never have been an Excess or Tribe if not for The Connection. Located in one of the worst parts of town it was a great place to get your gay on. Or just hang out and look at hot chicks. I had one of the funniest experiences of my life when I was there with my best friend Kim and her girlfriend a few years ago. I ran into a guy I graduated high school with. I, not being one to let anyone off easy, walked up to him and started a conversation. I have never seen anyone look so uncomfortable in my life. After a few pleasantries I told him I needed to get back to my group. As I started to walk away he blurted out, "I'm not gay!" I assured him that it was ok because I too was there as a heterosexual observer. He replied, "That's cool. I just want you to know I'm not gay!" I walked away laughing to myself. I hear they may re-open and if they do I may have to go check it out again for old time’s sake.
The Underground - Commonly referred to as "that place where all the weirdoes hangout", its location on 2nd Ave was odd considering how touristy that strip is. This was the place to go if you weren't up for the regular dance clubs. I never went to the Underground when it was in its heyday but from what I hear Kristy can tell a few stories. If I'm not mistaken Kim was a semi-regular as well. It's been a series of failed clubs since the Underground closed and I believe the building is vacant now. It should probably stay that way.
City Mix Factory - The first multi-club establishment in Nashville. I spent many nights watching barely dressed girls grind on that dance floor. Being one that doesn't dance I drank a lot and absorbed the atmosphere. Those were good times. The Mix Factory was featured on the second season of Road Rules and had the honor of having Vanilla Ice play the night they shut-down (this was in 2000, long after Vanilla Ice was the joke that he is). The Mix Factory was the place to go for several years until they had a string of shootings and assaults that ultimately led to its closing.
Thunder 94 - This was a great radio station. I miss it more than anything else on this list. Except maybe 328.
That's all I have for now but, as I said before, feel free to write me with your most missed coolness.
September 11, 2010
You're My Best Friend...
I'm a great substitute boyfriend. And on a smaller level I'm a pretty good substitute gay best friend. Over the years I have consistently had really close female friends the kind you would see in a romantic comedy but without the underlying sexual tension. Eventually we all grew apart mostly due to new relationships. Usually I have been the one left behind for a new love. Even at thirty-six I am still amazed at how easily someone can just pick up and never look back. But that's a story for another blog.
What I am getting at here is that in the last two years I have lost three really close girl friends because of new relationships. But it goes back much farther than that. All the way back to elementary school I have had a string of girls who loved me until they found a new boyfriend and then they were gone. To their credit most of them stayed gone after the relationships ended. But while we were friends I was their world. Always there when they had fat days and bad hair days, when they needed advice on boys or were having girl drama. I can't tell you how many times I've been referred to as "one of the girls."
But I'm not one of the girls and I'm tired of being seen that way. It's true that I have a certain need for close girl friends in my life but that doesn't mean I'm always going to be there as a back up plan. With everything else that I'm going through right now some re-evaluation seems to be in order for all aspects of my life, including this one. I miss having a best friend but being a substitute boyfriend is not a title I'm eager to reclaim.
What I am getting at here is that in the last two years I have lost three really close girl friends because of new relationships. But it goes back much farther than that. All the way back to elementary school I have had a string of girls who loved me until they found a new boyfriend and then they were gone. To their credit most of them stayed gone after the relationships ended. But while we were friends I was their world. Always there when they had fat days and bad hair days, when they needed advice on boys or were having girl drama. I can't tell you how many times I've been referred to as "one of the girls."
But I'm not one of the girls and I'm tired of being seen that way. It's true that I have a certain need for close girl friends in my life but that doesn't mean I'm always going to be there as a back up plan. With everything else that I'm going through right now some re-evaluation seems to be in order for all aspects of my life, including this one. I miss having a best friend but being a substitute boyfriend is not a title I'm eager to reclaim.
September 8, 2010
Where Do We Go From Here...
I know I've been complaining about my (lack of a) love life lately. It's just that for the better part of a decade I consistently had a girlfriend or a wife or a friend with benefits. In the last year I have had no one. Okay, no one of consequence (sorry, you know who). This is completely foreign to me. Not because of ego or vanity but mainly because I can't figure out why. It's true that I am fairly picky about the women I date. It is also true that I have been pretty absorbed with work as of late. And it is also true that I just don't go out much these days so the opportunity to meet someone isn't really there. Plus, I'm finding that my tolerance for bullshit is hitting a new low. So party girls are out of the question. I'm sorry girls, it was fun while it lasted. On the flip side of this I'm really not looking to settle down and start making babies either. I've survived thirty-six years without kids, I think I can make it thirty-six more. That's not to say I can't or won't change my mind (I'm channeling my feminine side here). It just means that I'm not ready for that yet. Who knows, maybe I'll meet someone tomorrow.
On a somewhat related note, someone I know recently told me that they could see me dating Katy Perry. I'm not quite sure how to take that. Did they mean that I would be with someone young and hot with a musical side? Or did they mean that I'm a loudmouthed jackass like Russell Brand? I'm sure you all have a comment for this one....
On a somewhat related note, someone I know recently told me that they could see me dating Katy Perry. I'm not quite sure how to take that. Did they mean that I would be with someone young and hot with a musical side? Or did they mean that I'm a loudmouthed jackass like Russell Brand? I'm sure you all have a comment for this one....
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