They say it's your...

Most people look forward to the start of a new year, I don't. I have a birthday shortly after the first of the year and I don't like birthdays. I haven't since I was a teenager. I had the first birthday of the year in my group of friends and so no one could do anything on my birthday. Both my eighteenth and twenty-first birthdays found me sitting at home doing nothing because none of my friends were yet old enough to go out. On top of that I broke out in hives on my eighteenth birthday. To this day I have no idea why.

Sixteen wasn't any better. My family was going through some difficulties at the church we were attending. Because of that I wasn't around some of my best friends of many years. I had spent about ten years straight with them. Not a phone call, a card or a "Happy Birthday" from a one of them. Plus all the women in my family (including my Mom) decided to start teasing me about being "sweet 16 and never been kissed." It's bad enough that that saying is generally for girls but the fact I didn't have a girlfriend just intensified the teasing in my head.

Going to a private school means you see a lot of people get cars for their birthday. So returning to school sans car was a little tough. I wasn't expecting one because I didn't get my license for another three months. Dad wasn't too keen on me getting it. The only reason I did get my license was because my Mom took me after school one day without telling Dad what we were doing. To this day I'm not sure why he was so against it. But after having a disappointing milestone birthday I let it fade into the background the next couple years. I finished out my high school career without any birthday fanfare at school. I didn't promote it, I never spoke of it and no one remembered. No one.

Twenty-one was a major disappointment. None of my friends remembered it was my birthday but they were all quick to ask me buy them alcohol once they realized I was old enough. It's nice to feel loved. That was the year I started down the path to alcohol abuse. And that became a running trend on my birthday. I'll spare you all the details.

They weren't all that bad though. I had some great birthdays when I was a kid. My parents would throw big parties or have sleep overs. It was something I looked forward to every year, until I turned ten. Something snapped that year and I realized that childhood was about to be over. I cried a lot that year. It was the year that my depression kicked in and became a constant companion in my life. Especially around my birthday. As every year clicked off I died a little inside. That's some tough stuff to deal with when you're just a kid.

One of the worst ones was when I turned twenty-four. I said I didn't want to do anything for my birthday but my girlfriend pushed the issue. So I got loaded up before hand on merlot and spent dinner sulking in the restaurant. I felt bad about it immediately. But the worst one was two years ago. My ex-wife informed me six days before my birthday that she was moving out. Then a couple days before had the audacity to ask if she could go out with me and my friends to help me celebrate. She never had the best timing to begin with. I guess she did give me a good present that year by moving out two days afterward.

It seems that no matter how much I have looked forward to a birthday or planned on having a good one something snaps and my mood plummets. I'm not a self promoter so I don't say anything about it which is why so often it slips on by without many people noticing. And because I do make a big deal about not making a big deal most people don't know that I would like a little attention. My best friend, Mave always tells me that I'm bad about saying I want one thing but showing that I want another. That definitely applies here. Hopefully I'll have enough birthdays to get it right one day.