What More Can I Do?

It is sometimes difficult to express the things that make me angry and really want to scream. I don't like to scream. In fact I really hate screaming and yelling. Nothing gets resolved and only hurt feelings are left. I resolved myself to not do this any longer a long time ago. I think we would be better off as a society if we could learn what is truly worth arguing about and leaving the rest to dry up and blow away on a bitter wind. We might just get along. But what I think is worth arguing over and what someone else thinks is worth arguing over don't usually sync. My father told me when I was young not to sweat the small stuff and in the end it's all small stuff. Dad was right about that and I've been a much happier person since I chose to start living by those words. But lately I have been angry, a lot.

As most of you know my wife had a miscarriage at the start of November. This was the single most devastating thing to ever happen to me. I know we are not the first family to go through this and I have a new understanding and empathy for anyone who has suffered this way. When Sylvia called me to tell me the news I could tell she was upset. I held it together as much as I could in the days following until it didn't hurt as much. After awhile the sadness subsided but anger crept in to fill the void. I found myself getting mad because I knew I would be a great father. I got mad because of all the terrible people who have been allowed to have children. And I got mad because of  this .

I'm not trying to throw my wife under the bus here. When I read that blog I got angry because she said she wouldn't be too upset if she miscarried. That isn't what that blog was about. She was writing about all the emotions she was going through and I picked out one sentence to focus on. But then I got angry at myself because the same thing had entered my mind. It wasn't how I really felt (and neither did she) but that horrible thought had crossed my mind in the beginning and no matter how much I truly wanted that baby I couldn't shake the anger at myself for having such a selfish thought. To be honest I had more than a couple urges to start drinking again. Luckily a strong will and a long memory prevented that. Still all this bottled up anger hasn't been good for me. I have been more confrontational as of late. I've also been pretty sensitive lately.

Now me being me I don't show vulnerability like most. I have a tendency to over compensate then kind of hold it over people's heads a bit. I also have a tendency to become extra smartassed and snarky. And I have done all these things in the last two months. My wife has seen my mood swing all over the place and back again. She's been a real trooper. But Christmas was the worst.

We had a good Christmas but I wasn't on my best behavior. I picked. I prodded. I was a first class smartass. I said dumb things and passive-aggressively took my anger out on her. No matter how many times I "set my head right" and apologized I still fell back into my coping mechanisms of choice. And I am still angry about losing the baby! It just isn't fair! I have wanted children for as long as I can remember. That was a major issue with my first wife. She didn't bother to tell me she didn't want kids until after we were married. As time wore on and I resigned myself to not having kids then I met Sylvia. She already had a beautiful little girl but wanted to have more. After we got married we talked about it. We prayed about it. And we decided this year we'd try. Except she kept changing her mind. But then she got pregnant and I knew if I was going to have children of my own this was my last chance. I was more than ecstatic. Then to have the thing I have wanted most in my life taken away was just too much.

We're talking about trying again but I'm scared. And I'm not too sure anymore. I do want kids but I don't know if I can get past this loss soon enough. I'll be forty in just over a year and that much of an age gap is monumental. I don't think it would be fair to the kid to have a dad that's so much older and can't keep up with him or her. I wore myself out playing with my cousins for one day, what will it be like having one around full time? Emmy is a great kid. I adore her and love the time we spend together but she has a dad already. A good dad. And I don't know where I fit in the mix a lot of times. Being a step-father is tricky and after almost two years there are still times I completely feel like an unnecessary piece of the puzzle.

So much happened in such a small amount of time it has all been kinda confusing. Christmas was good. I enjoyed spending time with the family, more this year than I ever have. But there were still those moments that it would hit me. I went into the storage closet to get the presents on Christmas eve and saw the unopened baby furniture and the stuffed dog I bought for the baby. I watched Emmy open her presents and wondered if I'd ever watch my own children do the same. And I spent way too much money to try and make everyone's Christmas a little brighter. It has all wore on me and I don't know how to go on from here. I spent so much time trying to comfort others and telling friends and family that it was okay and now I'm stuck in this limbo of emotions that I'm having a hard time dealing with it. Something has got to give, soon.