My mind has been all over the place lately. It has been hard to focus and my sleeping pattern has been all off. Some of it is because I haven't taken my medicine like I'm supposed to. I have been taking it but in the last month I haven't taken it everyday. I was doing good with it but then I started forgetting to take it. As it stands I am about three doses behind right now. I'm sure that has a lot to do with my overall mood lately.
Saturday evening I was getting dressed to go out and reached into the interior pocket of the jacket I was wearing. I was surprised to find a note inside. It was written on a piece of green wrapping paper and said, "I love you Alan. Love, Emily." It reminded me that she gave me that jacket the Christmas before we were married. It was one of those moments that caught me off guard a little. It's been almost two years since our divorce was final and in the last year or so I really haven't thought much about how things were before. I'm trying not to think about it too much.
I had to go to a funeral last week. I had decided I wasn't going to anymore funerals a couple years ago. I wouldn't have gone to this one but I was asked to be a pallbearer and since she didn't have a lot of family I knew they needed someone to help out. I still maintain that we do funerals in the absolute wrong way. Sure, grieving is a process that we must all go through but I really think we do it wrong. I'll reserve my thoughts for another time.
April 27, 2010
April 26, 2010
April 15, 2010
I Used To Hang With Some Heavenly Creatures...
I had dinner with an old friend from high school the other night. I hadn't seen Tisha in several years and I can count on one hand how many times I've seen her since we graduated. But facebook has brought us back into touch again and it was a delight to spend time with her and catch up a bit. As the conversation went on we started comparing notes on friends and I asked about someone I have also not seen in a long time. Tisha's response really threw me off a bit. Her tone of voice dropped and she said, "I love Melanie so much. I love her the way you loved her."
I had to mentally regroup a little when she said this. First off, I never realized I wore that fact on my sleeve but then again it was high school and teenagers are all a bundle of hormones and emotional angst. But the thing that really has had me thinking over the last couple days is the fact that that was eighteen years ago and I can't say that I'm emotionally mature enough to act any differently now. Being twice as old as I was then (jeez, I am getting old!!) gives me the benefit of applied life experience but not necessarily maturity.
I've been looking back for a couple days now, remembering those days and the wide eyed wonder that I was using to look at the world with graduation looming. I felt like the world was mine for the taking. And yes, I did love Melanie. She was special to me like few have been. Most of my good memories from high school involve her and few of those moments we have in life that stick with you are mutually exclusive to her. I was never in love with Melanie but she was one of those friends that we've all had, the type that makes you say, "I'd really like to meet a girl like that." I never entertained ideas of dating her but I did love her more than I loved my other female friends but some things are not meant to be. I hope she's doing alright.
I had to mentally regroup a little when she said this. First off, I never realized I wore that fact on my sleeve but then again it was high school and teenagers are all a bundle of hormones and emotional angst. But the thing that really has had me thinking over the last couple days is the fact that that was eighteen years ago and I can't say that I'm emotionally mature enough to act any differently now. Being twice as old as I was then (jeez, I am getting old!!) gives me the benefit of applied life experience but not necessarily maturity.
I've been looking back for a couple days now, remembering those days and the wide eyed wonder that I was using to look at the world with graduation looming. I felt like the world was mine for the taking. And yes, I did love Melanie. She was special to me like few have been. Most of my good memories from high school involve her and few of those moments we have in life that stick with you are mutually exclusive to her. I was never in love with Melanie but she was one of those friends that we've all had, the type that makes you say, "I'd really like to meet a girl like that." I never entertained ideas of dating her but I did love her more than I loved my other female friends but some things are not meant to be. I hope she's doing alright.
April 13, 2010
April 4, 2010
From The Breaking Of The Dawn
Being raised in church Easter was the second of the two big holidays. My father was the choir director and his work on the yearly Easter cantata started in late January. This meant that I was going to be at the church a lot over the next couple months. What seemed like endless nights at the church actually led to some fond memories for me. Luckily some of my friends' parents were in the choir so we would run wild through the church basement. Many, many hours were spent playing hide & seek in those dark hallways and classrooms. I knocked myself out one night running down the hallway and turning a little too soon into the next hallway. Head, meet brick wall.
Most of us generally view Easter as another holiday to visit family and kids know they are going to get candy and toys. I fell into this last category as a kid. I could never remember when Easter was happening so in the springtime I would get up every Sunday and run into the living room to see if this was the day I'd get stuff. Here is my Easter shame captured in all it's glory:
Yep, gotta love parents and their need to capture every moment of their kid's existent. I guess I really don't have a true feeling about Easter and it's Christian meaning any longer. I long ago stopped attending church and have had my questions about religion for years. But I do think Easter should be THE holiday on the Christian calender. It is generally believed that Jesus was born in April and Christmas was created by the church to try and "Christianize" a pagan holiday. Easter is the big moment in Jesus' ministry and we know that it happened on the Sunday after Passover. I guess retailers couldn't figure out a way to commercialize Easter enough to make it a bigger holiday.
Happy Easter everyone. I hope you spent lots of time with your families and your kids found lots of hidden eggs.
Most of us generally view Easter as another holiday to visit family and kids know they are going to get candy and toys. I fell into this last category as a kid. I could never remember when Easter was happening so in the springtime I would get up every Sunday and run into the living room to see if this was the day I'd get stuff. Here is my Easter shame captured in all it's glory:
Yep, gotta love parents and their need to capture every moment of their kid's existent. I guess I really don't have a true feeling about Easter and it's Christian meaning any longer. I long ago stopped attending church and have had my questions about religion for years. But I do think Easter should be THE holiday on the Christian calender. It is generally believed that Jesus was born in April and Christmas was created by the church to try and "Christianize" a pagan holiday. Easter is the big moment in Jesus' ministry and we know that it happened on the Sunday after Passover. I guess retailers couldn't figure out a way to commercialize Easter enough to make it a bigger holiday.
Happy Easter everyone. I hope you spent lots of time with your families and your kids found lots of hidden eggs.
Something Old, Something Blue (part 3)
This is another of my old Myspace blogs. I wrote it about a friend of mine that died. Today it has been thirteen years. I went to her grave today. Being Easter I guess that's a bit poetic.
April 4, 1997
A month had passed since the trip to New Orleans. The spring musical was quickly approaching but Melissa had missed a lot of classes. She had been in the hospital directly after the trip but had returned in her usual upbeat manner. But I was starting to worry.
I had met Melissa my first semester at Vol State. I wanted to be a better singer so I signed up for voice lessons. Melissa Gibson was not what I had bargained for. She was charismatic and larger than life. When she entered a room everyone knew it. So when I entered her office that January day I was more than a little over whelmed by her presence.
As the weeks went on I came to love Melissa. She had had a very interesting life in the theater and her best friend Holden was an executive with Disney. She also had this crazy musician friend named Ken who did all of her set designs. I'm certain he was stoned all the time. Because of Melissa I met my best friend Kim. I also met other colorful characters that I will not go into.
Of all the interesting people and situations Melissa introduced me to, the best thing she did for me was get me to let go on stage. I have always been a ham for the spotlight but Melissa taught me how to shine. I was always one of the first people she called when she was putting a show together. I learned to love being on stage because of her. Not many people who know me now have seen me take the stage but when I do I can thank Melissa Gibson for encouraging me to not be afraid of the spotlight.
April 4th was Chris' 21st birthday and we were heading out for the night when I got a page from home. Since it was 7 o'clock on a Friday night I knew something must be up. When we reached the Olive Garden in Rivergate I called from the payphone in the lobby. My Dad answered the phone and told me that Mark Birdsong had called the house looking for me. He gave me Mark's number and I hung up. I had a bad feeling. For the next fifteen minutes I tried getting in touch with Birdsong but his phone was busy. Finally I got through.
Melissa Gibson died at 4:12 pm on April 4, 1997 due to a heart attack. She was 38.
The next few days are still a blur ten years later. I had always felt like an outsider in the Vol State Singers but that weekend at the funeral home I felt completely alone. I was there as much as possible but missed the people I needed to see. Holden couldn't get away from work to come, I missed Ken in the shuffle somewhere and Tim couldn't bring himself to go to the funeral. He said he didn't want to remember her that way. I couldn't blame him. I wish I hadn't seen that casket go into the ground.
The great thing about looking back on bad times is remembering the good times that surrounded them. When I remember Melissa I see her in the theater at Vol State barking out orders and telling off color jokes. I see her in New Orleans showing us kids the real way to party. And every time I step onto a stage I hear her saying, "When you walk out on that stage you better mean every last second of it or else I'm gonna personally kick your ass!"
I went to see her today. I haven't been up there in a long time but I knew I needed to go. I didn't have much time but when I stood by her marker a flood of memories came rushing back; all good ones. I won't let as much time pass between visits from now on.
I miss you Melissa.
April 4, 1997
A month had passed since the trip to New Orleans. The spring musical was quickly approaching but Melissa had missed a lot of classes. She had been in the hospital directly after the trip but had returned in her usual upbeat manner. But I was starting to worry.
I had met Melissa my first semester at Vol State. I wanted to be a better singer so I signed up for voice lessons. Melissa Gibson was not what I had bargained for. She was charismatic and larger than life. When she entered a room everyone knew it. So when I entered her office that January day I was more than a little over whelmed by her presence.
As the weeks went on I came to love Melissa. She had had a very interesting life in the theater and her best friend Holden was an executive with Disney. She also had this crazy musician friend named Ken who did all of her set designs. I'm certain he was stoned all the time. Because of Melissa I met my best friend Kim. I also met other colorful characters that I will not go into.
Of all the interesting people and situations Melissa introduced me to, the best thing she did for me was get me to let go on stage. I have always been a ham for the spotlight but Melissa taught me how to shine. I was always one of the first people she called when she was putting a show together. I learned to love being on stage because of her. Not many people who know me now have seen me take the stage but when I do I can thank Melissa Gibson for encouraging me to not be afraid of the spotlight.
April 4th was Chris' 21st birthday and we were heading out for the night when I got a page from home. Since it was 7 o'clock on a Friday night I knew something must be up. When we reached the Olive Garden in Rivergate I called from the payphone in the lobby. My Dad answered the phone and told me that Mark Birdsong had called the house looking for me. He gave me Mark's number and I hung up. I had a bad feeling. For the next fifteen minutes I tried getting in touch with Birdsong but his phone was busy. Finally I got through.
Melissa Gibson died at 4:12 pm on April 4, 1997 due to a heart attack. She was 38.
The next few days are still a blur ten years later. I had always felt like an outsider in the Vol State Singers but that weekend at the funeral home I felt completely alone. I was there as much as possible but missed the people I needed to see. Holden couldn't get away from work to come, I missed Ken in the shuffle somewhere and Tim couldn't bring himself to go to the funeral. He said he didn't want to remember her that way. I couldn't blame him. I wish I hadn't seen that casket go into the ground.
The great thing about looking back on bad times is remembering the good times that surrounded them. When I remember Melissa I see her in the theater at Vol State barking out orders and telling off color jokes. I see her in New Orleans showing us kids the real way to party. And every time I step onto a stage I hear her saying, "When you walk out on that stage you better mean every last second of it or else I'm gonna personally kick your ass!"
I went to see her today. I haven't been up there in a long time but I knew I needed to go. I didn't have much time but when I stood by her marker a flood of memories came rushing back; all good ones. I won't let as much time pass between visits from now on.
I miss you Melissa.
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