Where to start? I guess the beginning is the logical place but so much happened that the beginning hardly sounds like a good jumping on point. Let's just hit the high points this round:
- I started playing music again
- I did a thirty day fast
- Auggie Stardust was born
- I started a new job
- I went an entire year without drinking alcohol
- I met the most beautiful and wonderful woman in the world
All this and soooooo much more. It's hard to believe that 2010 is almost over but it was a wonderful year!! Can't wait to see what 2011 has in store for me...
December 29, 2010
December 10, 2010
It's Been A While...
Not having an internet connection at the house has really limited by availability to post more of these but I am here today for a brief update. Things have been a little hectic in my world as of late. With a wedding to plan (so excited), Christmas looming (not so excited) and work being at maximum velocity (Christmas strikes again) I just have not had time to breathe let alone blog. But through all of this craziness I have something new in my life that I didn't realize I would love so much.
Sylvia has a daughter named Emily. She is five years old and I am in love. I knew from the beginning that she had a daughter and this is new territory for me. In the past I have shied away from women with children for various reasons. But the more time I spend with both Sylvia and Emily I find myself wanting to spend more time with them both. Last week I got the opportunity to spend a lot of time with Emmy and when she was gone I felt a little empty inside. On top of this my parents are absolutely in love with her. Especially my mom. I can tell I'm really going to have to reign them in so they don't spoil her too much.
And the same goes for me. Every day I find myself thinking about things to get her. Going to the store has become a mine field for me. I have to avoid the toy aisle all together, which cuts into my toy obsession as well. From the beginning Sylvia has been concerned about how I would handle having a child around since I've never had to deal with one day in and day out before. She's always reminding me that children are a big responsibility. And I get it, I just never thought I would fall in so deep so quickly. Christmas is gonna be fun this year!!
Sylvia has a daughter named Emily. She is five years old and I am in love. I knew from the beginning that she had a daughter and this is new territory for me. In the past I have shied away from women with children for various reasons. But the more time I spend with both Sylvia and Emily I find myself wanting to spend more time with them both. Last week I got the opportunity to spend a lot of time with Emmy and when she was gone I felt a little empty inside. On top of this my parents are absolutely in love with her. Especially my mom. I can tell I'm really going to have to reign them in so they don't spoil her too much.
And the same goes for me. Every day I find myself thinking about things to get her. Going to the store has become a mine field for me. I have to avoid the toy aisle all together, which cuts into my toy obsession as well. From the beginning Sylvia has been concerned about how I would handle having a child around since I've never had to deal with one day in and day out before. She's always reminding me that children are a big responsibility. And I get it, I just never thought I would fall in so deep so quickly. Christmas is gonna be fun this year!!
November 1, 2010
One Year Later...
One year ago tonight I had my last drink of alcohol. In all honesty I had many drinks of alcohol that evening. So many that I had to call for a ride home. Thank God for that wisdom. That ride home started me on my path to today. I came clean on a lot of stuff that was going on in my life that night. Included my plans to commit suicide in the coming days. That's the part I haven't disclosed to everyone for the last year. A combination of depression and severe alcohol abuse started me down that path. It's not something I like to think much about these days. Up until that point I never knew what would drive someone to such a desperate measure. And to be honest, I'm still not one hundred percent sure how I got there. But I'm glad I didn't do anything stupid.
The past year of my life has been one continuous amazement after another. Everything before November 1, 2009 feels like a bad dream now. My life has been good, even great over the last twelve months. I've regained a new sense of hope and confidence that I thought was lost to time. I have gotten over my anxiety related to aging. I have started playing music again. I have a job that I care about and enjoy. And to top it all off, I have met the woman who not only softened my heart to mush but she is also the woman I plan to marry. This past year has been an amazing journey, I can't wait to see how the rest of my life plays out.
The past year of my life has been one continuous amazement after another. Everything before November 1, 2009 feels like a bad dream now. My life has been good, even great over the last twelve months. I've regained a new sense of hope and confidence that I thought was lost to time. I have gotten over my anxiety related to aging. I have started playing music again. I have a job that I care about and enjoy. And to top it all off, I have met the woman who not only softened my heart to mush but she is also the woman I plan to marry. This past year has been an amazing journey, I can't wait to see how the rest of my life plays out.
October 1, 2010
Round Here...
I keep going back to these old MySpace blogs because they tell of a much different me. Sometimes it is interesting to see where you were at a different point in your life. This one is about a life changing event that happened to me when I was 23. Enjoy...
Sometimes That's Just About As F***ed-Up As You Can Be...
1997 was a landmark year for me. Over the next few blogs I plan on telling a few stories from that year. So please hold on for a lot of self-indulgence.
February 3, 1997
I HATED the Counting Crows prior to this date. Adam Duritz's whiny voice and their roots rock music was no where near what I wanted to hear. I loved METAL dammit! So when my girlfriend dropped more than a few hints about wanting to go to the show I resisted as much as I could. Finally her constant hints forced me into buying tickets to the show. If nothing else I liked what I had heard from their opening act. She was a new comer on the music scene and sounded like she had some potential. Her name was Fiona Apple.
The night of the show I was blasting Master of Puppets all the way to my girlfriend's house. I was not going to be brought down by a whiny voice and earnest lyrics. I needed to stay "up." The last few months had been rough and I did not need to be dragged down any lower than I already was. She was just going to have to understand that I was only going to this show for her. That's all. It was a tense car ride to TPAC.
Okay, a little back story is needed here. I had been suffering from a serious case of depression for a couple months prior to this concert. As some of you know depression is not a polite disease. It shows up whenever it likes and takes its sweet time in leaving. I guess it really never goes away but the point here is that things had been tense for a while. Add on top of that a really bad situation with some friends and a girlfriend who couldn't have an adult relationship and things got even worse. So this night had a lot of baggage attached.
Anyway, we arrive at TPAC and take our seats. Fiona Apple took the stage and gave a hell of a performance. This looked to be the highlight of my night. In between sets we got up to go to the restroom and on the way I started to have an anxiety attack. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror for what seemed like an eternity trying to talk myself down. When I finally calmed myself I walked back into the hallway and waited for her. My heart felt like it was about to explode. I could hear it beating in my head and I could feel it in my throat. Cold sweat was starting to form on my forehead. I was starting to get scared.
My girlfriend walked up to me and immediately asked if I was okay. I told her what was happening. She just stood there staring at me. I took a few deep breaths and we made our way back to our seats. A few minutes went by before Counting Crows took the stage, a few tense moments. I could sense that there was something she wanted to say, but she never said it. I was not having a good night. Finally the lights went down.
(I'll spare you all the details about set design and set lists. If you want a fairly accurate idea listen to Across A Wire: Live In New York.)
Since I was not a fan of the band I only knew a couple songs but there were two key moments to that night. First was when they played Mr. Jones. I was sick of this song. If you remember alternative radio from 1994 then you know that Mr. Jones played about nine times an hour that year. I hated that song but this night they were playing a different version. It was slow and melancholy and suddenly told the story of my life. About half way through the song I was at the point of tears. Everything that had piled on me for the last few months became intensified in the soft purple stage lights and Adam Duritz's mournful voice. It took everything I had not to loose it right in the middle of the crowd. This song was born new to me that night. It became a friend.
The second moment that blew me away was the song Round Here. I had always secretly loved this song. Many times I had remarked that if someone else did this song it would be great. On this night on this stage the Counting Crows proved to me that no one else needs to touch Round Here. They brought it and they brought hard. If Mr. Jones was melancholy Round Here was deep dark depression. And this too was a different version than I was used to. They made it longer, Adam ad-libed lyrics in the middle and when the song comes back out of the bridge into the final verse Adam did something simple but poetic. He kept repeating the line "The girl on the car in the parking lot says, "Hey man, why don't you take a shot? can't you see my walls are crumbling?" over and over again until the anticipation was unbearable. Then the band kicked back in and the place erupted! Absolutely beautiful.
When the show was over I could not believe what I had just seen. I could not believe what I was thinking. I could not believe that I was now a Counting Crows fan. The next day I went out and bought everything I could find. A few days later I wandered into Disc Go Round (Now called CD Warehouse) and discovered that there were bootleg cds and videos of my new favorite (okay, second favorite) band. Life was good. Since February 3, 1997 I have seen Counting Crows in concert eight other times. That's once more than I've seen U2. But that's a story for another blog...
Sometimes That's Just About As F***ed-Up As You Can Be...
1997 was a landmark year for me. Over the next few blogs I plan on telling a few stories from that year. So please hold on for a lot of self-indulgence.
February 3, 1997
I HATED the Counting Crows prior to this date. Adam Duritz's whiny voice and their roots rock music was no where near what I wanted to hear. I loved METAL dammit! So when my girlfriend dropped more than a few hints about wanting to go to the show I resisted as much as I could. Finally her constant hints forced me into buying tickets to the show. If nothing else I liked what I had heard from their opening act. She was a new comer on the music scene and sounded like she had some potential. Her name was Fiona Apple.
The night of the show I was blasting Master of Puppets all the way to my girlfriend's house. I was not going to be brought down by a whiny voice and earnest lyrics. I needed to stay "up." The last few months had been rough and I did not need to be dragged down any lower than I already was. She was just going to have to understand that I was only going to this show for her. That's all. It was a tense car ride to TPAC.
Okay, a little back story is needed here. I had been suffering from a serious case of depression for a couple months prior to this concert. As some of you know depression is not a polite disease. It shows up whenever it likes and takes its sweet time in leaving. I guess it really never goes away but the point here is that things had been tense for a while. Add on top of that a really bad situation with some friends and a girlfriend who couldn't have an adult relationship and things got even worse. So this night had a lot of baggage attached.
Anyway, we arrive at TPAC and take our seats. Fiona Apple took the stage and gave a hell of a performance. This looked to be the highlight of my night. In between sets we got up to go to the restroom and on the way I started to have an anxiety attack. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror for what seemed like an eternity trying to talk myself down. When I finally calmed myself I walked back into the hallway and waited for her. My heart felt like it was about to explode. I could hear it beating in my head and I could feel it in my throat. Cold sweat was starting to form on my forehead. I was starting to get scared.
My girlfriend walked up to me and immediately asked if I was okay. I told her what was happening. She just stood there staring at me. I took a few deep breaths and we made our way back to our seats. A few minutes went by before Counting Crows took the stage, a few tense moments. I could sense that there was something she wanted to say, but she never said it. I was not having a good night. Finally the lights went down.
(I'll spare you all the details about set design and set lists. If you want a fairly accurate idea listen to Across A Wire: Live In New York.)
Since I was not a fan of the band I only knew a couple songs but there were two key moments to that night. First was when they played Mr. Jones. I was sick of this song. If you remember alternative radio from 1994 then you know that Mr. Jones played about nine times an hour that year. I hated that song but this night they were playing a different version. It was slow and melancholy and suddenly told the story of my life. About half way through the song I was at the point of tears. Everything that had piled on me for the last few months became intensified in the soft purple stage lights and Adam Duritz's mournful voice. It took everything I had not to loose it right in the middle of the crowd. This song was born new to me that night. It became a friend.
The second moment that blew me away was the song Round Here. I had always secretly loved this song. Many times I had remarked that if someone else did this song it would be great. On this night on this stage the Counting Crows proved to me that no one else needs to touch Round Here. They brought it and they brought hard. If Mr. Jones was melancholy Round Here was deep dark depression. And this too was a different version than I was used to. They made it longer, Adam ad-libed lyrics in the middle and when the song comes back out of the bridge into the final verse Adam did something simple but poetic. He kept repeating the line "The girl on the car in the parking lot says, "Hey man, why don't you take a shot? can't you see my walls are crumbling?" over and over again until the anticipation was unbearable. Then the band kicked back in and the place erupted! Absolutely beautiful.
When the show was over I could not believe what I had just seen. I could not believe what I was thinking. I could not believe that I was now a Counting Crows fan. The next day I went out and bought everything I could find. A few days later I wandered into Disc Go Round (Now called CD Warehouse) and discovered that there were bootleg cds and videos of my new favorite (okay, second favorite) band. Life was good. Since February 3, 1997 I have seen Counting Crows in concert eight other times. That's once more than I've seen U2. But that's a story for another blog...
September 28, 2010
Hello, I've Waited Here For You...
The iPod in my head has been on shuffle lately. I must say it has been an interesting mix. I never know where it's headed next but it's been fun. I can say that there is a reason for these random jumps, I have met someone and in a completely unlike me twist I am in love. And I mean IN LOVE!! More to follow...
September 19, 2010
September 16, 2010
I Wanna Be Forever Young...
Tonight a thirteen year old girl told me I acted her age rather than mine. And I guess there is some truth to that. She wasn't trying to imply that I was acting immature just that I don't act the way she imagined a thirty-six year old would act. I thought about it for a minute and told her that in truth no matter the number associated with your age we all really act the same until we die. The only difference is the amount of life experience we each acquire. I've experienced a lot more than she has because I've been alive for twenty-three years longer but ultimately life is the same for us all. Sure, each of our lives have their own unique moments that separate each of us from everyone else but we all hit the same beats along the way. Life is funny like that.
I hung out with a friend last night and we got to talking about some old times. In particular the summer of 1999. We had so much fun that year just running around being young. Road trips and movie premieres and hanging out at Waffle House to all hours of the night. Then he said something that made me think, "That was before alcohol became the social drug of choice." And he was right. That year was the last time I had fun without alcohol being a constant presence...in public. The truth is that was the year alcohol really took a hold on my life. It started out privately. I was living alone for the first time in my life and there were a lot of nights that I drank until I passed out. And I mean A LOT of nights. No one knew about it. It was my secret and I wanted it to stay that way. But that didn't last.
It's true that alcohol had been a part of my life prior and I had even had a problem with it in my early twenties but it started really getting bad once I was alone a lot. And it wasn't just that I was alone, I was lonely. That was the main thing that drove me to drink. I remember one time in particular when I went to see Keeping The Faith. I went by myself, which was and still is a common thing for me to do, and quickly realized it was a date movie. And I was the only single person in the theater. When the movie was over I went straight to the store, bought a twelve pack of beer and drank it all before I finally hit the bed around sunrise. Needless to say I woke up late for work and with a pounding headache. This became normal for me after a very short time.
Alcohol started to dull all my senses. Food didn't taste right, my sense of smell stopped being acute and I slowly stopped caring about the things I loved. Including people. It all became about a quick fix of everything concentrated into right now!! I lived like that for years. Way too many years. In the last ten months things have started to taste better and smell better (sometimes a lot worse than I want). But my sense of love has taken longer to reacquire. I just don't feel like I used to. And I mean feel as in music doesn't move me. On the same note when I meet a girl I don't get a charge. But the worst one is sex. I'm just not into it any longer. And yes, I blame years of alcohol abuse for all these things. Looking back I can draw a steadily descending line through my life as I became more and more dependent on alcohol.
I'm glad to have my life back now and on a positive note I have started to "feel" for music again. It's a growing love that I am privileged to experience twice in my life. For so many years I looked back at that time before alcohol and wished I could go back. At the time I thought it was because I missed my youth. Now I realize that it was a time of pure emotion and amazed wonder, before alcohol ruined it all.
I hung out with a friend last night and we got to talking about some old times. In particular the summer of 1999. We had so much fun that year just running around being young. Road trips and movie premieres and hanging out at Waffle House to all hours of the night. Then he said something that made me think, "That was before alcohol became the social drug of choice." And he was right. That year was the last time I had fun without alcohol being a constant presence...in public. The truth is that was the year alcohol really took a hold on my life. It started out privately. I was living alone for the first time in my life and there were a lot of nights that I drank until I passed out. And I mean A LOT of nights. No one knew about it. It was my secret and I wanted it to stay that way. But that didn't last.
It's true that alcohol had been a part of my life prior and I had even had a problem with it in my early twenties but it started really getting bad once I was alone a lot. And it wasn't just that I was alone, I was lonely. That was the main thing that drove me to drink. I remember one time in particular when I went to see Keeping The Faith. I went by myself, which was and still is a common thing for me to do, and quickly realized it was a date movie. And I was the only single person in the theater. When the movie was over I went straight to the store, bought a twelve pack of beer and drank it all before I finally hit the bed around sunrise. Needless to say I woke up late for work and with a pounding headache. This became normal for me after a very short time.
Alcohol started to dull all my senses. Food didn't taste right, my sense of smell stopped being acute and I slowly stopped caring about the things I loved. Including people. It all became about a quick fix of everything concentrated into right now!! I lived like that for years. Way too many years. In the last ten months things have started to taste better and smell better (sometimes a lot worse than I want). But my sense of love has taken longer to reacquire. I just don't feel like I used to. And I mean feel as in music doesn't move me. On the same note when I meet a girl I don't get a charge. But the worst one is sex. I'm just not into it any longer. And yes, I blame years of alcohol abuse for all these things. Looking back I can draw a steadily descending line through my life as I became more and more dependent on alcohol.
I'm glad to have my life back now and on a positive note I have started to "feel" for music again. It's a growing love that I am privileged to experience twice in my life. For so many years I looked back at that time before alcohol and wished I could go back. At the time I thought it was because I missed my youth. Now I realize that it was a time of pure emotion and amazed wonder, before alcohol ruined it all.
September 14, 2010
The Music Of The Night...
I finally watched the VMAs tonight. I wasn't impressed in the slightest. I guess it's one of those situations where I have out-aged pop culture. This was the first time in several years that I've watched the VMAs and I don't feel I've missed anything. It seems that music has become like video games for me, I enjoy hearing about them more than playing them. I will say that it was refreshing to see Lady Gaga visibly nervous before each category was announced. Too often the people nominated sit there stoic trying not to look like they want to win. It's so un-PC to want to be named the best. And Kanye West reached the height of ego by writing and performing a song all himself. Let's have a toast to the douchebag.
I have been trying to write new songs for awhile now with no luck. More specifically I have been trying to write one song for the last three days. I have the music but no lyrics or melody. The worst part is that I have no idea what to write about. I'm not angry. I try to stay away from politics. Do we really need another love song? I was never any good at writing love songs anyway. I'm not old enough to start writing nostalgia. I don't have any stories about the open road. It's just all too passe. Apparently I peaked in my mid-twenties. Maybe I should leave the songwriting to the real songwriters and just be a performer.
I have been trying to write new songs for awhile now with no luck. More specifically I have been trying to write one song for the last three days. I have the music but no lyrics or melody. The worst part is that I have no idea what to write about. I'm not angry. I try to stay away from politics. Do we really need another love song? I was never any good at writing love songs anyway. I'm not old enough to start writing nostalgia. I don't have any stories about the open road. It's just all too passe. Apparently I peaked in my mid-twenties. Maybe I should leave the songwriting to the real songwriters and just be a performer.
September 12, 2010
Time It Was And What A Time It Was...
This is one of my old MySpace blogs from about five years ago. I thought it was worth re-visiting...
As a result of my uncontrollable deja vu I've decided to make a list of the cool things and places in Nashville that are no longer with us. Feel free to give me further suggestions:
Madison Music - Not because it was a great music store but more because I learned to play guitar inside their doors. I also met Colin there, which led to me meeting Ronnie and Bill. Three life long friends and the gift of music, that's truly special.
Sam Goodie’s (Rivergate) - I spend many hours and much money in that store. I also met Rob there years before we became friends. Now it's a Party City. Poor trade.
Karma - Where the Goths and Punks shopped before there was a Hot Topic. It was located on lower Broadway next to what is now Decades. There is a new store by this same name in the Five Points area, but I don't know if it's anything like the store I knew.
Dangerous Threads - Rock n' Roll clothes in a Country Music Town. I never bought anything here but I loved to go look every time I was on 2nd Ave. They got a little too ambitious and opened two other locations that ultimately dragged them all down.
Tower Books - This was a mandatory stop any time we would go to West End. They had the best magazine rack in town. Now it's just a small corner in the music store and Tweeter took its space.
Stone Mountain - The first place I saw someone do cocaine; an employee no less. Located above Papa John's Pizza on West End, it was part clothing store, part head shop and all cool. It suffered the same fate as Dangerous Threads as expansion to Hickory Hollow Mall and Murfreesboro stretched its coolness too thin.
Lucy's Record Shop - THE place to go for all-ages shows back in the day. Now it's just an abandoned store front. The Nashville Scene did a great article about it before it closed. Here is the link: http://www.nashvillescene.com/Stories/News/1998/01/29/A_Dog_s_Life/index.shtml
Ace Of Clubs - Where there was once a cool club now sits Bar Nashville. I won't even begin to express my thoughts on that place. Instead I will only think good thought about Ace of Clubs. If you've been to Bar then you know that you enter on the 2nd Ave. side. The Ace of Clubs had its entrance through the alleyway between 1st and 2nd. Everything was reversed from what it is now as well as a double catwalk and go-go dancers in cages.
Calypso Cafe (Rivergate) - I know that Calypso is still open but now I have to travel all the way downtown to get the best soup ever. Calypso closed less than a year ago but it feels like an eternity. Every time I drive by that location I look in the hope that it was all a bad dream.
Slow Bar - Slow Bar is the reason that the Five Points area is so cool. Mike Grimey bought that bar on a whim and turned it into a scene. Three Crow Bar is alright but it's a pale substitute.
Classic Cat - This was the destination of many an 18 year old male on their birthday. The Classic Cat was the most famous strip club in town due in part to all the bad press it got for its location. Situated on 8th Ave., behind Hume Fogg Magnet School, just down from a church and a few short blocks from Baptist Bookstore (now Lifeway Christian Resources) it irritated every religious and civic leader in the city. I never got to go there due to the fact that when I turned 18 none of my friends were old enough to get in. By the time we were all of age they had shut down. The building isn't even there any longer. I miss that tacky shinny pink exterior.
328 Performance Hall - The coolest live music venue ever. I saw some great shows there. Black Crowes, Tonic, GWAR, Type O Negative, Anthrax, Slash's Snake Pit, Flickerstick, Buckcherry, Everclear and many more. Some big names played there on their way to the top: NIN, Marilyn Manson, Pantera, Weezer, White Zombie, Alanis Morissette, Matchbox 20, Garth Brooks, Tool, Live, Korn, Rage Against The Machine, Third Eye Blind, Hootie and the Blowfish, Counting Crows, Foo Fighters, Jewel and the Dave Matthews Band. One of Nashville's premier weekly events (that is about to shut down as well) started in the side room of 328: Johnny Jackson's Soul Satisfaction. Progress mandated that the building should not stand in the way of a bridge and now there is just a hole in the ground on 4th Ave. where this great venue once stood.
Guido's Pizzeria - Located directly behind Ben & Jerry's on 21st Ave. South, Guido's had a special place in my heart. That was the first stage I ever performed my music on. Waaaay back in 1994 Colin, Justin, Derrick and I hoped up on that small-ass stage and played at eleven until we ran everyone onto the patio except for the few people we brought with us. Ahh, youth. The influx of hot Vanderbilt girls, music and great Chicago pizza kept me coming back for more. There is still a restaurant in that building but it’s just not the same.
Mainstreet - The club to play if you were in a rock band in the early 90's. Located on (where else?) Main Street in Murphreesboro it was Mecca for every Eddie Vedder or Anthony Keidis wannabe. Cool stage, cool lights and cool bartenders who almost never carded. It became a Yuppie bar with ferns and then Bongo Johnny's. I don't know what it is now but I'm sure it's a far cry from its former grunge rock glory.
The Connection - There would never have been an Excess or Tribe if not for The Connection. Located in one of the worst parts of town it was a great place to get your gay on. Or just hang out and look at hot chicks. I had one of the funniest experiences of my life when I was there with my best friend Kim and her girlfriend a few years ago. I ran into a guy I graduated high school with. I, not being one to let anyone off easy, walked up to him and started a conversation. I have never seen anyone look so uncomfortable in my life. After a few pleasantries I told him I needed to get back to my group. As I started to walk away he blurted out, "I'm not gay!" I assured him that it was ok because I too was there as a heterosexual observer. He replied, "That's cool. I just want you to know I'm not gay!" I walked away laughing to myself. I hear they may re-open and if they do I may have to go check it out again for old time’s sake.
The Underground - Commonly referred to as "that place where all the weirdoes hangout", its location on 2nd Ave was odd considering how touristy that strip is. This was the place to go if you weren't up for the regular dance clubs. I never went to the Underground when it was in its heyday but from what I hear Kristy can tell a few stories. If I'm not mistaken Kim was a semi-regular as well. It's been a series of failed clubs since the Underground closed and I believe the building is vacant now. It should probably stay that way.
City Mix Factory - The first multi-club establishment in Nashville. I spent many nights watching barely dressed girls grind on that dance floor. Being one that doesn't dance I drank a lot and absorbed the atmosphere. Those were good times. The Mix Factory was featured on the second season of Road Rules and had the honor of having Vanilla Ice play the night they shut-down (this was in 2000, long after Vanilla Ice was the joke that he is). The Mix Factory was the place to go for several years until they had a string of shootings and assaults that ultimately led to its closing.
Thunder 94 - This was a great radio station. I miss it more than anything else on this list. Except maybe 328.
That's all I have for now but, as I said before, feel free to write me with your most missed coolness.
As a result of my uncontrollable deja vu I've decided to make a list of the cool things and places in Nashville that are no longer with us. Feel free to give me further suggestions:
Madison Music - Not because it was a great music store but more because I learned to play guitar inside their doors. I also met Colin there, which led to me meeting Ronnie and Bill. Three life long friends and the gift of music, that's truly special.
Sam Goodie’s (Rivergate) - I spend many hours and much money in that store. I also met Rob there years before we became friends. Now it's a Party City. Poor trade.
Karma - Where the Goths and Punks shopped before there was a Hot Topic. It was located on lower Broadway next to what is now Decades. There is a new store by this same name in the Five Points area, but I don't know if it's anything like the store I knew.
Dangerous Threads - Rock n' Roll clothes in a Country Music Town. I never bought anything here but I loved to go look every time I was on 2nd Ave. They got a little too ambitious and opened two other locations that ultimately dragged them all down.
Tower Books - This was a mandatory stop any time we would go to West End. They had the best magazine rack in town. Now it's just a small corner in the music store and Tweeter took its space.
Stone Mountain - The first place I saw someone do cocaine; an employee no less. Located above Papa John's Pizza on West End, it was part clothing store, part head shop and all cool. It suffered the same fate as Dangerous Threads as expansion to Hickory Hollow Mall and Murfreesboro stretched its coolness too thin.
Lucy's Record Shop - THE place to go for all-ages shows back in the day. Now it's just an abandoned store front. The Nashville Scene did a great article about it before it closed. Here is the link: http://www.nashvillescene.com/Stories/News/1998/01/29/A_Dog_s_Life/index.shtml
Ace Of Clubs - Where there was once a cool club now sits Bar Nashville. I won't even begin to express my thoughts on that place. Instead I will only think good thought about Ace of Clubs. If you've been to Bar then you know that you enter on the 2nd Ave. side. The Ace of Clubs had its entrance through the alleyway between 1st and 2nd. Everything was reversed from what it is now as well as a double catwalk and go-go dancers in cages.
Calypso Cafe (Rivergate) - I know that Calypso is still open but now I have to travel all the way downtown to get the best soup ever. Calypso closed less than a year ago but it feels like an eternity. Every time I drive by that location I look in the hope that it was all a bad dream.
Slow Bar - Slow Bar is the reason that the Five Points area is so cool. Mike Grimey bought that bar on a whim and turned it into a scene. Three Crow Bar is alright but it's a pale substitute.
Classic Cat - This was the destination of many an 18 year old male on their birthday. The Classic Cat was the most famous strip club in town due in part to all the bad press it got for its location. Situated on 8th Ave., behind Hume Fogg Magnet School, just down from a church and a few short blocks from Baptist Bookstore (now Lifeway Christian Resources) it irritated every religious and civic leader in the city. I never got to go there due to the fact that when I turned 18 none of my friends were old enough to get in. By the time we were all of age they had shut down. The building isn't even there any longer. I miss that tacky shinny pink exterior.
328 Performance Hall - The coolest live music venue ever. I saw some great shows there. Black Crowes, Tonic, GWAR, Type O Negative, Anthrax, Slash's Snake Pit, Flickerstick, Buckcherry, Everclear and many more. Some big names played there on their way to the top: NIN, Marilyn Manson, Pantera, Weezer, White Zombie, Alanis Morissette, Matchbox 20, Garth Brooks, Tool, Live, Korn, Rage Against The Machine, Third Eye Blind, Hootie and the Blowfish, Counting Crows, Foo Fighters, Jewel and the Dave Matthews Band. One of Nashville's premier weekly events (that is about to shut down as well) started in the side room of 328: Johnny Jackson's Soul Satisfaction. Progress mandated that the building should not stand in the way of a bridge and now there is just a hole in the ground on 4th Ave. where this great venue once stood.
Guido's Pizzeria - Located directly behind Ben & Jerry's on 21st Ave. South, Guido's had a special place in my heart. That was the first stage I ever performed my music on. Waaaay back in 1994 Colin, Justin, Derrick and I hoped up on that small-ass stage and played at eleven until we ran everyone onto the patio except for the few people we brought with us. Ahh, youth. The influx of hot Vanderbilt girls, music and great Chicago pizza kept me coming back for more. There is still a restaurant in that building but it’s just not the same.
Mainstreet - The club to play if you were in a rock band in the early 90's. Located on (where else?) Main Street in Murphreesboro it was Mecca for every Eddie Vedder or Anthony Keidis wannabe. Cool stage, cool lights and cool bartenders who almost never carded. It became a Yuppie bar with ferns and then Bongo Johnny's. I don't know what it is now but I'm sure it's a far cry from its former grunge rock glory.
The Connection - There would never have been an Excess or Tribe if not for The Connection. Located in one of the worst parts of town it was a great place to get your gay on. Or just hang out and look at hot chicks. I had one of the funniest experiences of my life when I was there with my best friend Kim and her girlfriend a few years ago. I ran into a guy I graduated high school with. I, not being one to let anyone off easy, walked up to him and started a conversation. I have never seen anyone look so uncomfortable in my life. After a few pleasantries I told him I needed to get back to my group. As I started to walk away he blurted out, "I'm not gay!" I assured him that it was ok because I too was there as a heterosexual observer. He replied, "That's cool. I just want you to know I'm not gay!" I walked away laughing to myself. I hear they may re-open and if they do I may have to go check it out again for old time’s sake.
The Underground - Commonly referred to as "that place where all the weirdoes hangout", its location on 2nd Ave was odd considering how touristy that strip is. This was the place to go if you weren't up for the regular dance clubs. I never went to the Underground when it was in its heyday but from what I hear Kristy can tell a few stories. If I'm not mistaken Kim was a semi-regular as well. It's been a series of failed clubs since the Underground closed and I believe the building is vacant now. It should probably stay that way.
City Mix Factory - The first multi-club establishment in Nashville. I spent many nights watching barely dressed girls grind on that dance floor. Being one that doesn't dance I drank a lot and absorbed the atmosphere. Those were good times. The Mix Factory was featured on the second season of Road Rules and had the honor of having Vanilla Ice play the night they shut-down (this was in 2000, long after Vanilla Ice was the joke that he is). The Mix Factory was the place to go for several years until they had a string of shootings and assaults that ultimately led to its closing.
Thunder 94 - This was a great radio station. I miss it more than anything else on this list. Except maybe 328.
That's all I have for now but, as I said before, feel free to write me with your most missed coolness.
September 11, 2010
You're My Best Friend...
I'm a great substitute boyfriend. And on a smaller level I'm a pretty good substitute gay best friend. Over the years I have consistently had really close female friends the kind you would see in a romantic comedy but without the underlying sexual tension. Eventually we all grew apart mostly due to new relationships. Usually I have been the one left behind for a new love. Even at thirty-six I am still amazed at how easily someone can just pick up and never look back. But that's a story for another blog.
What I am getting at here is that in the last two years I have lost three really close girl friends because of new relationships. But it goes back much farther than that. All the way back to elementary school I have had a string of girls who loved me until they found a new boyfriend and then they were gone. To their credit most of them stayed gone after the relationships ended. But while we were friends I was their world. Always there when they had fat days and bad hair days, when they needed advice on boys or were having girl drama. I can't tell you how many times I've been referred to as "one of the girls."
But I'm not one of the girls and I'm tired of being seen that way. It's true that I have a certain need for close girl friends in my life but that doesn't mean I'm always going to be there as a back up plan. With everything else that I'm going through right now some re-evaluation seems to be in order for all aspects of my life, including this one. I miss having a best friend but being a substitute boyfriend is not a title I'm eager to reclaim.
What I am getting at here is that in the last two years I have lost three really close girl friends because of new relationships. But it goes back much farther than that. All the way back to elementary school I have had a string of girls who loved me until they found a new boyfriend and then they were gone. To their credit most of them stayed gone after the relationships ended. But while we were friends I was their world. Always there when they had fat days and bad hair days, when they needed advice on boys or were having girl drama. I can't tell you how many times I've been referred to as "one of the girls."
But I'm not one of the girls and I'm tired of being seen that way. It's true that I have a certain need for close girl friends in my life but that doesn't mean I'm always going to be there as a back up plan. With everything else that I'm going through right now some re-evaluation seems to be in order for all aspects of my life, including this one. I miss having a best friend but being a substitute boyfriend is not a title I'm eager to reclaim.
September 8, 2010
Where Do We Go From Here...
I know I've been complaining about my (lack of a) love life lately. It's just that for the better part of a decade I consistently had a girlfriend or a wife or a friend with benefits. In the last year I have had no one. Okay, no one of consequence (sorry, you know who). This is completely foreign to me. Not because of ego or vanity but mainly because I can't figure out why. It's true that I am fairly picky about the women I date. It is also true that I have been pretty absorbed with work as of late. And it is also true that I just don't go out much these days so the opportunity to meet someone isn't really there. Plus, I'm finding that my tolerance for bullshit is hitting a new low. So party girls are out of the question. I'm sorry girls, it was fun while it lasted. On the flip side of this I'm really not looking to settle down and start making babies either. I've survived thirty-six years without kids, I think I can make it thirty-six more. That's not to say I can't or won't change my mind (I'm channeling my feminine side here). It just means that I'm not ready for that yet. Who knows, maybe I'll meet someone tomorrow.
On a somewhat related note, someone I know recently told me that they could see me dating Katy Perry. I'm not quite sure how to take that. Did they mean that I would be with someone young and hot with a musical side? Or did they mean that I'm a loudmouthed jackass like Russell Brand? I'm sure you all have a comment for this one....
On a somewhat related note, someone I know recently told me that they could see me dating Katy Perry. I'm not quite sure how to take that. Did they mean that I would be with someone young and hot with a musical side? Or did they mean that I'm a loudmouthed jackass like Russell Brand? I'm sure you all have a comment for this one....
September 7, 2010
And Knowing Is Half The Battle...
Since Dragon*Con was this last weekend I thought I'd share my thoughts on the state of the Geek. It ain't pretty...
I've got some news for you geeks. You didn't win. You are not the new cool. You are not on the cutting edge of culture. For the past few years all the over weight, comic book reading, internet blogging, "I was a fan before you" geeks who have been holed up in their mother's basement since graduating high school have been crowing about winning the fight. First off, there was no fight. Geek culture went down like a fat kid in a dodge-ball game once the checkbook came out. Your "culture" was bought with a whimper not a bang. And let's be honest, Hollywood didn't exactly come calling until X-Men made bank at the box office. Now every property is being bought up before the first issue hits the shelf.
As far as being the new cool (or "sexy" as I've heard recently), it never happened. Attractive people who have co-oped your "culture" are sexy. It's just like punk rock in the 90's, once the captain of the football team is wearing a Ramones t-shirt (or in this case a Flash t-shirt) it's over. It is true that television shows like Chuck and The Big Bang Theory have main characters that love all things geek. But all the actors on those shows are attractive, shapely and social well adjusted. Congratulations, you can't even live up to your own standard bearers. But take heart, at the rate America is getting fat you'll be a stud before long.
Probably the worst lie that has come out of the geek chic movement is the myth of the hot geek girl. Just like the hot goth girl and the Loch Ness monster the hot geek girl only exists in movies and the minds of those who want to believe. Sorry guys, the truth hurts sometimes. I should know because I'm one of you. Well, not really. It is true that I have read a large amount of comics, talked for hours about Star Wars and played way too many video games to ever be considered one of the cool kids. But that's fine, I'm in my mid-thirties and all that stuff is mostly in my past. As are my days as an all-star pitcher. Oh yeah, I was someone who played sports and played in a band (that's A band not THE band) as well as watched Star Trek: The Next Generation and read Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in all its black & white glory. I had the best of both worlds and it was great. You should strive to be like that. Not like me but more socially adjusted.
I said all that to say this, it's time for the real geeks to stop crowing and start showing. Get out from in front of the computer and go outside. Learn to socially interact with people, it's not as hard as you think. Stop being the butt of the joke. Probably the worst part of this "geek" movement is that the writers and producers still take every opportunity to point out all the stereotypes associated with being a geek. The worst offender being Olivia Munn who built her popularity on your back then bolted G4 as soon as she got a chance. The whole time making fun of you to your face. And one more thing, in real life Penny and Leonard would NEVER be friends let alone lovers.
Like I said, the truth hurts. Good luck with that Scarlett Spider costume for San Diego next year.
I've got some news for you geeks. You didn't win. You are not the new cool. You are not on the cutting edge of culture. For the past few years all the over weight, comic book reading, internet blogging, "I was a fan before you" geeks who have been holed up in their mother's basement since graduating high school have been crowing about winning the fight. First off, there was no fight. Geek culture went down like a fat kid in a dodge-ball game once the checkbook came out. Your "culture" was bought with a whimper not a bang. And let's be honest, Hollywood didn't exactly come calling until X-Men made bank at the box office. Now every property is being bought up before the first issue hits the shelf.
As far as being the new cool (or "sexy" as I've heard recently), it never happened. Attractive people who have co-oped your "culture" are sexy. It's just like punk rock in the 90's, once the captain of the football team is wearing a Ramones t-shirt (or in this case a Flash t-shirt) it's over. It is true that television shows like Chuck and The Big Bang Theory have main characters that love all things geek. But all the actors on those shows are attractive, shapely and social well adjusted. Congratulations, you can't even live up to your own standard bearers. But take heart, at the rate America is getting fat you'll be a stud before long.
Probably the worst lie that has come out of the geek chic movement is the myth of the hot geek girl. Just like the hot goth girl and the Loch Ness monster the hot geek girl only exists in movies and the minds of those who want to believe. Sorry guys, the truth hurts sometimes. I should know because I'm one of you. Well, not really. It is true that I have read a large amount of comics, talked for hours about Star Wars and played way too many video games to ever be considered one of the cool kids. But that's fine, I'm in my mid-thirties and all that stuff is mostly in my past. As are my days as an all-star pitcher. Oh yeah, I was someone who played sports and played in a band (that's A band not THE band) as well as watched Star Trek: The Next Generation and read Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in all its black & white glory. I had the best of both worlds and it was great. You should strive to be like that. Not like me but more socially adjusted.
I said all that to say this, it's time for the real geeks to stop crowing and start showing. Get out from in front of the computer and go outside. Learn to socially interact with people, it's not as hard as you think. Stop being the butt of the joke. Probably the worst part of this "geek" movement is that the writers and producers still take every opportunity to point out all the stereotypes associated with being a geek. The worst offender being Olivia Munn who built her popularity on your back then bolted G4 as soon as she got a chance. The whole time making fun of you to your face. And one more thing, in real life Penny and Leonard would NEVER be friends let alone lovers.
Like I said, the truth hurts. Good luck with that Scarlett Spider costume for San Diego next year.
August 30, 2010
My Heroes Have Always Been...
Last Tuesday evening I played an Auggie Stardust show for the Love Hope Strength charity. On that same bill were many very talented musical acts. Among them were The Beat Officers, Tommy Ache and the Terrible Mistakes and the tremendously hansom Chip Greene. But the one that I was most excited to share a stage with was Tommy Womack. I have been a huge fan of his for damn near 20 years now. His work with Government Cheese, Bis-quits, Daddy and his own solo material are all stellar, humorous and very thought provoking. But his most influential work for me is his classic book The Cheese Chronicles: The True Story of a Rock n Roll Band You've Never Heard Of.
I read this book when I was in my early twenties and it made me want to play music more than anything else. Over the years I have read it multiple times and given it as a gift for Christmas, birthdays and graduations. Tommy has a gift for writing and his way of telling a story draws you in and makes you feel like you were there. Tuesday evening I brought my copy of the Cheese Chronicles with me for Mr. Womack to sign. It's always a real pleasure to meet the people you admire and they aren't assholes. I had a surreal moment when he first walked into the backstage area and I was standing at the counter with a mirror in one hand applying my eyeshadow. Everyone should have the opportunity to talk to one of their idols and tell them how much they've influenced your work while trying to make yourself up to look like the opposite sex.
I did get him to sign my book and he seemed genuinely pleased to know that he influenced someone to dress in drag and sing Miley Cyrus songs. To be honest I would be proud of that myself. Anyway here is what he wrote in my book:
"Auggie, God bless you in everything you. It's a pleasure to meet you. Tommy"
It was a good night.
I read this book when I was in my early twenties and it made me want to play music more than anything else. Over the years I have read it multiple times and given it as a gift for Christmas, birthdays and graduations. Tommy has a gift for writing and his way of telling a story draws you in and makes you feel like you were there. Tuesday evening I brought my copy of the Cheese Chronicles with me for Mr. Womack to sign. It's always a real pleasure to meet the people you admire and they aren't assholes. I had a surreal moment when he first walked into the backstage area and I was standing at the counter with a mirror in one hand applying my eyeshadow. Everyone should have the opportunity to talk to one of their idols and tell them how much they've influenced your work while trying to make yourself up to look like the opposite sex.
I did get him to sign my book and he seemed genuinely pleased to know that he influenced someone to dress in drag and sing Miley Cyrus songs. To be honest I would be proud of that myself. Anyway here is what he wrote in my book:
"Auggie, God bless you in everything you. It's a pleasure to meet you. Tommy"
It was a good night.
August 29, 2010
Mixed Nuts part 2
Work is about to kill me. I like being the boss but I hate being "the boss." I have put in way too many hours already this week with no end in sight. I originally was going to take off two days this week but as it stands I'm not even getting one. That makes three weeks straight. I have had two legitimate days off since I started with the company. Things have got to slow down or I'm not going to make it. I can feel the fatigue setting in daily.
I was at Guitar Center the other night and I looked around the room. I noticed that roughly 40% of the guys in there were with a female companion. And all of the females were very attractive. In all honesty we all got into playing music in order to get chicks. I can say that I have NEVER gotten a chick because I play music. Quite honestly it has been a long time since I have gotten any interest from someone because of music. It leads me to wonder if I'm fooling myself with my abilities. Granted, I have no designs on making it in music any longer. I gave up on that dream a long time ago but I do still enjoy performing. And I think that's what it comes down to: I'm a performer not a musician. Style over substance and all that jazz. I said all that to say this, I'm a failure at being a rock star and picking up chicks. Since I no longer have the chops for sex and rock n roll I guess it's time to go back to drugs.
This is what I perceive a recent conversation went something like (all names are changes because I don't want to get bitched at anymore):
Person A: What do you think of (******)?
Person #2: (******)? (******) is awesome. I love him more than anything. Why?
A: I don't know. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. We've hung out and had a good time but there's something...I don't know.
#2: Are you talking about dating him? Oh, HELL NO!! That would be the worst thing you could ever do!!
A: Why is that? You just said you love him more than anything.
#2: I do but your signs don't match up. And in the grand scheme of things if your totally made up, vague and prejudice star signs are incompatible then there's no way that you could ever have a relationship built on trust, understanding and love. You'd just be setting yourself up for failure.
A: Yeah, you're right. What do you think about (****)?
#2: Oh, he's perfect for you!! He's a Taurus. You two would have a totally drama free and trustworthy relationship because of the facts of your signs.
A: I'm so glad we had this talk. Let's have another drink and talk some more about how smart we are!!
I was at Guitar Center the other night and I looked around the room. I noticed that roughly 40% of the guys in there were with a female companion. And all of the females were very attractive. In all honesty we all got into playing music in order to get chicks. I can say that I have NEVER gotten a chick because I play music. Quite honestly it has been a long time since I have gotten any interest from someone because of music. It leads me to wonder if I'm fooling myself with my abilities. Granted, I have no designs on making it in music any longer. I gave up on that dream a long time ago but I do still enjoy performing. And I think that's what it comes down to: I'm a performer not a musician. Style over substance and all that jazz. I said all that to say this, I'm a failure at being a rock star and picking up chicks. Since I no longer have the chops for sex and rock n roll I guess it's time to go back to drugs.
This is what I perceive a recent conversation went something like (all names are changes because I don't want to get bitched at anymore):
Person A: What do you think of (******)?
Person #2: (******)? (******) is awesome. I love him more than anything. Why?
A: I don't know. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. We've hung out and had a good time but there's something...I don't know.
#2: Are you talking about dating him? Oh, HELL NO!! That would be the worst thing you could ever do!!
A: Why is that? You just said you love him more than anything.
#2: I do but your signs don't match up. And in the grand scheme of things if your totally made up, vague and prejudice star signs are incompatible then there's no way that you could ever have a relationship built on trust, understanding and love. You'd just be setting yourself up for failure.
A: Yeah, you're right. What do you think about (****)?
#2: Oh, he's perfect for you!! He's a Taurus. You two would have a totally drama free and trustworthy relationship because of the facts of your signs.
A: I'm so glad we had this talk. Let's have another drink and talk some more about how smart we are!!
August 18, 2010
The List...
I guess there comes a time when you have to make a list of what you are looking for in a relationship. After thinking for a few minutes this is what I came up with:
I am not a person who likes being lied to. Everyone says this but I take it very personally and have a habit of holding a grudge in this respect. I want the truth every time even if it's not pretty. Once you have broken my trust I will NEVER believe you completely again. And this is me being honest up front.
Don't try and manipulate me. I have seen the best and anything you throw at me will ensure that you will be dealing with an extremely angry person. I will not be held hostage emotionally.
If you take the time to get dressed up and look your best I do not want to hear about how bad you think you look. If you feel that bad about your looks then why did you spend all that time getting ready? I will compliment you freely and often but I will not be baited into doing such things.
I don't play jealousy games. If you think I don't care because some guy was hitting on you and I didn't say anything then we have a problem. I am secure enough with myself to know who you are leaving with. So if you meet someone else that's fine, obviously we weren't meant to be. At the same time do not get upset when the opposite is true. I get a lot of attention from women but I'm coming home to you. Find your security in that.
When I've had a bad day do not pester me about what's wrong. I will talk to you when I feel like talking. I usually need a little while to work it all out in my head before I want to talk. The worst thing you can do is to keep nagging me to talk. This will only make me angry and I may redirect my frustration in your direction. I will talk to you, eventually.
I cannot stress how much I hate women who can't deal with my past. And I'm not just talking about my sexual history. Look, I had a life before I met you. A fairly long and detailed life. Don't get upset when things from the past come up and you feel left out because you aren't in those stories. We all have a past, deal with it.
We don't have to agree on everything. That would just be boring. But know that if I disagree with something you say I'm going to challenge how well you know what you're talking about. It's what I do and I'm maddeningly good at it. I cannot stand conjecture. By the way, if you don't have a clue what conjecture is, then we have a problem as well.
I am not a mean person but I come off that way sometimes. I have a strange sense of humor and in a small way I emulate a sitcom in my daily life. So when I say something that is a little off kilter in my head I hear a laugh track. It's one of my quirks. My point of reference will more than likely be just outside of yours. It's okay, we'll cross paths eventually.
Do not have a chemical dependency of any kind. It's no secret that I stayed drunk for a fairly large chunk of my life and I'm not worried about relapsing because you drink. What I can't stand is someone who can't deal with reality and chemical dependency is all about running from what's bothering you. Drugs (especially marijuana) are for kids who think they're smarter than the room. If you're over 25 and still toking up you need to take a look at your life. As far as alcohol, it's expensive and makes people act like idiots. I'm not a fan.
And speaking of expensive, if you like to spend money frivolously just keep on spending far away from me. I am not a hippie but I don't need much and I want even less. Material items will just weigh you down and cause unnecessary stress. Please have your finances under control. I'm not a bank and I'm not a loan officer so don't treat me like one.
And finally, I don't need a lot from sex. I've been around the block a few times and I've tried a lot but ultimately I like it simple. For someone who has a reputation for being a perv I'm pretty vanilla with my likes. Truth be told, the older I get the less sex really matters to me.
I guess I've really covered what I don't want in a relationship more than what I want. I'll be back with more at a later date.
I am not a person who likes being lied to. Everyone says this but I take it very personally and have a habit of holding a grudge in this respect. I want the truth every time even if it's not pretty. Once you have broken my trust I will NEVER believe you completely again. And this is me being honest up front.
Don't try and manipulate me. I have seen the best and anything you throw at me will ensure that you will be dealing with an extremely angry person. I will not be held hostage emotionally.
If you take the time to get dressed up and look your best I do not want to hear about how bad you think you look. If you feel that bad about your looks then why did you spend all that time getting ready? I will compliment you freely and often but I will not be baited into doing such things.
I don't play jealousy games. If you think I don't care because some guy was hitting on you and I didn't say anything then we have a problem. I am secure enough with myself to know who you are leaving with. So if you meet someone else that's fine, obviously we weren't meant to be. At the same time do not get upset when the opposite is true. I get a lot of attention from women but I'm coming home to you. Find your security in that.
When I've had a bad day do not pester me about what's wrong. I will talk to you when I feel like talking. I usually need a little while to work it all out in my head before I want to talk. The worst thing you can do is to keep nagging me to talk. This will only make me angry and I may redirect my frustration in your direction. I will talk to you, eventually.
I cannot stress how much I hate women who can't deal with my past. And I'm not just talking about my sexual history. Look, I had a life before I met you. A fairly long and detailed life. Don't get upset when things from the past come up and you feel left out because you aren't in those stories. We all have a past, deal with it.
We don't have to agree on everything. That would just be boring. But know that if I disagree with something you say I'm going to challenge how well you know what you're talking about. It's what I do and I'm maddeningly good at it. I cannot stand conjecture. By the way, if you don't have a clue what conjecture is, then we have a problem as well.
I am not a mean person but I come off that way sometimes. I have a strange sense of humor and in a small way I emulate a sitcom in my daily life. So when I say something that is a little off kilter in my head I hear a laugh track. It's one of my quirks. My point of reference will more than likely be just outside of yours. It's okay, we'll cross paths eventually.
Do not have a chemical dependency of any kind. It's no secret that I stayed drunk for a fairly large chunk of my life and I'm not worried about relapsing because you drink. What I can't stand is someone who can't deal with reality and chemical dependency is all about running from what's bothering you. Drugs (especially marijuana) are for kids who think they're smarter than the room. If you're over 25 and still toking up you need to take a look at your life. As far as alcohol, it's expensive and makes people act like idiots. I'm not a fan.
And speaking of expensive, if you like to spend money frivolously just keep on spending far away from me. I am not a hippie but I don't need much and I want even less. Material items will just weigh you down and cause unnecessary stress. Please have your finances under control. I'm not a bank and I'm not a loan officer so don't treat me like one.
And finally, I don't need a lot from sex. I've been around the block a few times and I've tried a lot but ultimately I like it simple. For someone who has a reputation for being a perv I'm pretty vanilla with my likes. Truth be told, the older I get the less sex really matters to me.
I guess I've really covered what I don't want in a relationship more than what I want. I'll be back with more at a later date.
August 13, 2010
Where It All Began...
"When I was in kindergarten I fell in love. Her name was Alison. She had blond hair and blue eyes and she was the cutest girl in in our class. I pulled out all the stops. For weeks I made her little gifts in art class and gave her my deserts at lunch. She would smile and say thank you. This made me happy. Then one day when we were going out to recess and I looked around for her. There, on the swings sat Alison and next to her was my friend Frank. They were holding hands. My heart sank. But who could blame her? Frank was the most popular boy in our class. He was the best kick ball player and could outrun anyone in a race. All the girls liked him. Especially Alison. My heart was broken.
As time went on I came to terms with the reality that I was not an object of desire for the love of my five year old life. Eventually I did find someone for me. Her name was Monique and she was cute but not as cute as Alison. Neither was she as thin. Don't get me wrong, she was cute enough for the average little boy but not for me. I still wanted what I felt I deserved dammit! But all this got me was ridicule from both Alison and all the other kids in my class. Monique was not happy and she dumped me. I crawled inside a shell and never truly recovered. This episode which happened at a very early age set the pace for the rest of my life with women. At the age of five I learned that I was not good enough for the girl I loved."
A few years ago I was at a friend's house and she asked me to tell her a story about my life that she had never heard. I told the story above and she sat in stunned silence for a few moments. Finally she told me that that story answered so many questions about me. I guess it's true. Eventually I am going to write the book about my troubled love life. I've had the title for years: True Confessions of a Second Rate Sex Symbol. I have many, many more stories that follow a similar path to that story from my early life. Who knows, maybe I'll find the answers I'm looking for in that tome.
As time went on I came to terms with the reality that I was not an object of desire for the love of my five year old life. Eventually I did find someone for me. Her name was Monique and she was cute but not as cute as Alison. Neither was she as thin. Don't get me wrong, she was cute enough for the average little boy but not for me. I still wanted what I felt I deserved dammit! But all this got me was ridicule from both Alison and all the other kids in my class. Monique was not happy and she dumped me. I crawled inside a shell and never truly recovered. This episode which happened at a very early age set the pace for the rest of my life with women. At the age of five I learned that I was not good enough for the girl I loved."
A few years ago I was at a friend's house and she asked me to tell her a story about my life that she had never heard. I told the story above and she sat in stunned silence for a few moments. Finally she told me that that story answered so many questions about me. I guess it's true. Eventually I am going to write the book about my troubled love life. I've had the title for years: True Confessions of a Second Rate Sex Symbol. I have many, many more stories that follow a similar path to that story from my early life. Who knows, maybe I'll find the answers I'm looking for in that tome.
August 11, 2010
Love Hope Strength
I feel so much better now!! I had band practice tonight and playing loud music really does wonders for the soul. Very cleansing and cathartic. For those who do not know, I am playing a show on August 24th at Mercy Lounge in Nashville. It's a free show and it is for a great cause. Love Hope Strength is an organization that provides support for cancer centers. You can read their mission statement here. If you are in the area and would like get involved or just show your support please come out to the show. For more info on the show check out the facebook page. I hope to see you all o the 24th!!
August 9, 2010
I'm In Love With My Sadness...
So, if you follow me on facebook you'll notice that I have ranted all day. Believe me, this was a far better use of my time than the alternative. Ultimately what it comes down to is I got the "I'm sorry" text today. This set me off like you wouldn't believe. Ladies, if you want to stop seeing someone just fade away. You're not doing anyone a favor by trying to be nice about it. If you just disappear I at least get the satisfaction of thinking you're a bitch. And telling someone they're a good person does nothing. Really? I'm a good person? Just not good enough for you, right?
A year ago I would have just let it go and stewed in my own emotional and alcoholic cocktail until I had convinced myself I was okay. Not anymore. But, if I've learned anything in my years on this earth it's that when things go wrong it's usually a good idea to look at yourself first. I've been trying to figure out what exactly I've been doing wrong. In my last post I pretty much mapped out the minefield that has been my love life for the past two years. I've made a lot of changes in my life over the last nine months and acting like a grown up hasn't brought me any closer finding anyone. Hell, even my friends who are emotionally damaged beyond repair have someone in their life that they don't mind being seen in public with. So I've put together this short resume of sorts so you can tell me what I'm doing wrong. Here's what I've come up with:
At the very least I have a job, a car and a place to live. On the next level I'm funny and charming. I can cook. I like chick flicks. I listen. I want to know how you feel about things. I can intelligently carry on a conversation with anyone. I read actual books. I can use more than monosyllabic words. I keep up with what's going on in the world. I'm great with kids. I can admit when I'm wrong. I don't smoke or drink or do drugs. I won't sleep around on you. I don't have any psycho exes that will beat the crap out of your car with a baseball bat. I'm not passive/aggressive, I'll tell you what's bothering me. I'm genuinely a nice guy, and if that's not enough I can flip to asshole without missing a beat. And on a purely superficial level I'm hot and I'm great in bed.
So you tell me, what am I doing wrong? Am I too honest? Am I too secure with myself? Too confident? Do I scare you? Am I too good to be true? Too hot? Too smart? Too smartassed? Or is it just you?
A year ago I would have just let it go and stewed in my own emotional and alcoholic cocktail until I had convinced myself I was okay. Not anymore. But, if I've learned anything in my years on this earth it's that when things go wrong it's usually a good idea to look at yourself first. I've been trying to figure out what exactly I've been doing wrong. In my last post I pretty much mapped out the minefield that has been my love life for the past two years. I've made a lot of changes in my life over the last nine months and acting like a grown up hasn't brought me any closer finding anyone. Hell, even my friends who are emotionally damaged beyond repair have someone in their life that they don't mind being seen in public with. So I've put together this short resume of sorts so you can tell me what I'm doing wrong. Here's what I've come up with:
At the very least I have a job, a car and a place to live. On the next level I'm funny and charming. I can cook. I like chick flicks. I listen. I want to know how you feel about things. I can intelligently carry on a conversation with anyone. I read actual books. I can use more than monosyllabic words. I keep up with what's going on in the world. I'm great with kids. I can admit when I'm wrong. I don't smoke or drink or do drugs. I won't sleep around on you. I don't have any psycho exes that will beat the crap out of your car with a baseball bat. I'm not passive/aggressive, I'll tell you what's bothering me. I'm genuinely a nice guy, and if that's not enough I can flip to asshole without missing a beat. And on a purely superficial level I'm hot and I'm great in bed.
So you tell me, what am I doing wrong? Am I too honest? Am I too secure with myself? Too confident? Do I scare you? Am I too good to be true? Too hot? Too smart? Too smartassed? Or is it just you?
Let's Do The Run Down...
Two years ago my marriage of almost 5 years ended. My ex-wife has now been in a relationship for well over a year. Good for her.
1.) I became involved with a woman who enabled my every self-destructive urge. We were not dating. She met someone else and I decided I wanted to date her. Three months later there was a bitter break-up. She then started dating the guy she really wanted to be with in the first place. They are still together...this week.
2.) I started seeing someone whom I had been interested in for some time. Things were fine for a while then nothing. She decided she didn't want to be tied down (figuratively) to just one person. Unless she needed something. For close to ten months now we've had plans to "get together soon."
3.) The girl I was madly in love with in my twenties made a return to my life around the same time that girl #2 started coming around. She swore up and down that we were meant to be together and that she wasn't going to give up until that happened. Then she started dating one of my friends. They broke up. She is currently involved with someone else. Go figure.
4.) In the mean time I met two different girls that I really liked. But both of them were already taken. Timing is everything, I guess.
5.) When I started cleaning up my life someone reached out to me and we became close. I can now say that I was starting to fall for her. Then her object of affection became available and she started spending every waking moment with him. I've barely seen or spoken to her since. I'm glad they're happy.
6.) Next came an old friend. I really didn't want to get involved with her because we are such good friends but I gave in. That was going pretty well until I realized her kids were freaking me out quite a bit. Last time I talked to her she had designs on a new guy.
7.) And that brings us to now. A new girl and a new problem. Well, not really new. It seems she's become more interested in a friend of mine than she is in me. Good for her. I hope they have lots of babies together.
Being single is a minefield filled with pretty faces and hurt feelings. The funny thing is that the two girls on this list I liked the most are the two that found someone else right at the time we stared getting close. I guess I'm the one to hang out with if you want to find your next boyfriend. Lucky me!!
1.) I became involved with a woman who enabled my every self-destructive urge. We were not dating. She met someone else and I decided I wanted to date her. Three months later there was a bitter break-up. She then started dating the guy she really wanted to be with in the first place. They are still together...this week.
2.) I started seeing someone whom I had been interested in for some time. Things were fine for a while then nothing. She decided she didn't want to be tied down (figuratively) to just one person. Unless she needed something. For close to ten months now we've had plans to "get together soon."
3.) The girl I was madly in love with in my twenties made a return to my life around the same time that girl #2 started coming around. She swore up and down that we were meant to be together and that she wasn't going to give up until that happened. Then she started dating one of my friends. They broke up. She is currently involved with someone else. Go figure.
4.) In the mean time I met two different girls that I really liked. But both of them were already taken. Timing is everything, I guess.
5.) When I started cleaning up my life someone reached out to me and we became close. I can now say that I was starting to fall for her. Then her object of affection became available and she started spending every waking moment with him. I've barely seen or spoken to her since. I'm glad they're happy.
6.) Next came an old friend. I really didn't want to get involved with her because we are such good friends but I gave in. That was going pretty well until I realized her kids were freaking me out quite a bit. Last time I talked to her she had designs on a new guy.
7.) And that brings us to now. A new girl and a new problem. Well, not really new. It seems she's become more interested in a friend of mine than she is in me. Good for her. I hope they have lots of babies together.
Being single is a minefield filled with pretty faces and hurt feelings. The funny thing is that the two girls on this list I liked the most are the two that found someone else right at the time we stared getting close. I guess I'm the one to hang out with if you want to find your next boyfriend. Lucky me!!
July 22, 2010
Some People...
I really think that some people need to worry about their own house and stay out of other people's. This came across my facebook news feed today and really hacked me off. First off, this is NOT in Nashville it is in Seymour, Indiana.
Pornography is NOT illegal. Is it immoral? That's for each individual person to decide. I say this because I went to the website for the organization that is doing the protesting and in their own words they say, "Lion's Den customers daily bring the actual proof of the obvious danger sex businesses bring to residential neighborhood, by their lewd, illegal and often dangerous behavior. We post it for the world to see."
So I went to their "gothca" page to see these lewd, illegal and dangerous acts. All I see is a bunch of idiots mugging for the camera and none of it is illegal (except for the whole bag thing but she could have easily taken the items out of the bag herself). The people behind this website like to generalize that all porn consumers act this way. Again, with no proof.
It seems that the whole argument against Lion's Den is that it is in a residential area. Maybe it is. I personally don't think there should be a porn shop on every corner but as long as it is operating inside the law I don't care. There have been arguments both for and against the porn issue. Ultimately it comes down to no one knows!
Here in Nashville we have a Hustler Hollywood store that regularly has protesters outside the store. Although this store is in an urban non-residential area they still draw protesters. I think it's time that the rest of us who are not insane should start protesting the protesters. All these people are doing is impeding the business practices of law abiding establishments and strong arming patrons into not shopping at these places with veiled threats and "shaming." I think it's time we ask ourselves, "What would Larry Flint do?" I'm a huge proponent of the First Amendment and freedom of speech and freedom of religion should both be preserved at all costs. But just because you have the freedom of both these things does not give you the right to force yours on everyone else.
Pornography is NOT illegal. Is it immoral? That's for each individual person to decide. I say this because I went to the website for the organization that is doing the protesting and in their own words they say, "Lion's Den customers daily bring the actual proof of the obvious danger sex businesses bring to residential neighborhood, by their lewd, illegal and often dangerous behavior. We post it for the world to see."
So I went to their "gothca" page to see these lewd, illegal and dangerous acts. All I see is a bunch of idiots mugging for the camera and none of it is illegal (except for the whole bag thing but she could have easily taken the items out of the bag herself). The people behind this website like to generalize that all porn consumers act this way. Again, with no proof.
It seems that the whole argument against Lion's Den is that it is in a residential area. Maybe it is. I personally don't think there should be a porn shop on every corner but as long as it is operating inside the law I don't care. There have been arguments both for and against the porn issue. Ultimately it comes down to no one knows!
Here in Nashville we have a Hustler Hollywood store that regularly has protesters outside the store. Although this store is in an urban non-residential area they still draw protesters. I think it's time that the rest of us who are not insane should start protesting the protesters. All these people are doing is impeding the business practices of law abiding establishments and strong arming patrons into not shopping at these places with veiled threats and "shaming." I think it's time we ask ourselves, "What would Larry Flint do?" I'm a huge proponent of the First Amendment and freedom of speech and freedom of religion should both be preserved at all costs. But just because you have the freedom of both these things does not give you the right to force yours on everyone else.
July 7, 2010
Common People
A few years ago I ran into a girl I knew back in college. I hadn't seen her in many years and oh how things had changed. Back in school I really wanted to get to know her a lot better but I had a girlfriend at the time and quite honestly she was a bit too wild for me. Still, she was beautiful and I couldn't deny the attraction. We kept running into each other over the years. Each time she paid less and less attention to me until we just smiled at each other and never spoke.
Fast forward almost a decade and I saw her at the post office. I'm not sure that she saw me but she was still beautiful and had a kid in tow. I watched her get into a Lincoln Navigator and drive off presumably to her very nice Hendersonville house. Back in school she liked to party and seemed more attracted to guys like myself than someone who could buy her a Navigator. I remember finding out that she came from money which might explain her attraction to guys that didn't have it. Just goes to show that eventually poor little rich girls find their own.
Fast forward almost a decade and I saw her at the post office. I'm not sure that she saw me but she was still beautiful and had a kid in tow. I watched her get into a Lincoln Navigator and drive off presumably to her very nice Hendersonville house. Back in school she liked to party and seemed more attracted to guys like myself than someone who could buy her a Navigator. I remember finding out that she came from money which might explain her attraction to guys that didn't have it. Just goes to show that eventually poor little rich girls find their own.
July 6, 2010
June 26, 2010
On June 14 2010 Auggie Stardust & the Strangers in Paradise took the stage to help raise money for Second Harvest Food Bank. Here is their set:
May 26, 2010
It's Not What You Say...
It irritates me to no end the way some people ask questions. If you want to know something just ask don't purposely structure your question to start an argument. For example, if you want to know my opinion on any subject ask "What do you think about...?" DO NOT start your question with, "Don't you think...?" or "You don't think that...?" When someone starts a question in either of these manners it automatically tips their hand to what side they are on. It also draws clear battle lines.
And when I tell you my opinion don't respond with "So what you're telling me is...?" This clearly tells me that you didn't hear what I was saying. You only heard what you wanted to hear and now you're ready to argue. If you follow these simple rules we can have a civil conversation with differing opinions without it turning into a full blown argument. Thank you.
And when I tell you my opinion don't respond with "So what you're telling me is...?" This clearly tells me that you didn't hear what I was saying. You only heard what you wanted to hear and now you're ready to argue. If you follow these simple rules we can have a civil conversation with differing opinions without it turning into a full blown argument. Thank you.
May 20, 2010
Best Year Ever?
I played an Auggie Stardust show last Saturday night. It was a benefit for flood relief here in Nashville. A lot of people came out to show there support and see some live music. We raised over $1100 that night and I also discovered some great new local music. Go check out Chip Greene and watch his video for "Everything About You." It's a great song.
At the end of the night I was talking to a friend about nothing in particular, just catching up. When the music ended I decided to leave. As I was saying goodbye to Jax he stopped and with a big smile said, "One last question: is 2010 the best year ever?"
I had to take a moment to think about this. I'm not sure why he asked this question but I have to say it has been the most consistently good year of my life. If you'd asked me a few years ago if I would ever have another year like this one I would have told you that those days are far behind me. It's funny how each decade of my life seems to get better toward the end. It's true that I still have a few years left before the end of my fourth decade on this planet but things seem to be moving in a very positive direction.
So far in 2010 I have come to terms with who I am and where I am in life. I've gotten back into some semblance of my former physical shape. I've played a lot of music. That one has been the big thing. I gave up on music several years ago and sold most of my equipment. I announced my retirement on my former blog and shut off the light on that part of my life. Simply put, I had fallen out of love with music. But this year I was forced out of retirement and well, dammit I've fallen back in love with music. And I've had plenty of encouragement from my friends to keep me from getting complacent with doing one show then riding that high for the next few years.
I can say that being sober for the first five months of 2010 has been very enlightening. I feel good. I hadn't felt good in many years prior to sobering up. Not having that distraction in my life has helped me focus on changing other aspects of my life that I had been neglecting. I've also started to feel real emotions again. I forgot how good they feel. Even the bad ones. It's amazing how much joy you lose when you let a foreign substance dictate how you feel.
Those are just a few of the things that 2010 has brought to me so far. There is still a lot of year to go but after thinking about it for a few days I have to say, "Yes!! So far 2010 has been the best year ever."
At the end of the night I was talking to a friend about nothing in particular, just catching up. When the music ended I decided to leave. As I was saying goodbye to Jax he stopped and with a big smile said, "One last question: is 2010 the best year ever?"
I had to take a moment to think about this. I'm not sure why he asked this question but I have to say it has been the most consistently good year of my life. If you'd asked me a few years ago if I would ever have another year like this one I would have told you that those days are far behind me. It's funny how each decade of my life seems to get better toward the end. It's true that I still have a few years left before the end of my fourth decade on this planet but things seem to be moving in a very positive direction.
So far in 2010 I have come to terms with who I am and where I am in life. I've gotten back into some semblance of my former physical shape. I've played a lot of music. That one has been the big thing. I gave up on music several years ago and sold most of my equipment. I announced my retirement on my former blog and shut off the light on that part of my life. Simply put, I had fallen out of love with music. But this year I was forced out of retirement and well, dammit I've fallen back in love with music. And I've had plenty of encouragement from my friends to keep me from getting complacent with doing one show then riding that high for the next few years.
I can say that being sober for the first five months of 2010 has been very enlightening. I feel good. I hadn't felt good in many years prior to sobering up. Not having that distraction in my life has helped me focus on changing other aspects of my life that I had been neglecting. I've also started to feel real emotions again. I forgot how good they feel. Even the bad ones. It's amazing how much joy you lose when you let a foreign substance dictate how you feel.
Those are just a few of the things that 2010 has brought to me so far. There is still a lot of year to go but after thinking about it for a few days I have to say, "Yes!! So far 2010 has been the best year ever."
May 10, 2010
May 2, 2010
This Ain't No Place For The Weary Kind
I had my last drink of alcohol on November 1, 2009. I've been sober for six months now and it has been an experience. I always knew I'd quit drinking one day and I thought I would have quit a long time ago but I didn't and it got way out of control. These past six months have felt like an eternity. Everything that was before doesn't seem real but I know damn well that every second of it was. I put myself in harm's way too many times to count and I hurt too many feelings to ever be forgive for. But now I'm in a good place and I feel great.
Shortly after I made my decision to quit I heard the song "The Weary Kind" from the motion picture Crazy Heart and it struck home. Sometimes a piece of music or a movie about an alcoholic musician can shed new light on a personal matter. The things that have helped me along the way would seem trivial to most people but they have done the job so far. I cannot thank my friends and family enough for being the support system that has held me up many times. I could never repay what you have done for me. My journey isn't over, not by a long shot but I have six months behind me. And a song to remind me not to give up:
The Weary Kind
Your heart's on the loose
You rolled them sevens with nothing to lose
And this ain't no place for the weary kind
You called all your shots
Shooting eight ball at the corner truck stop
Somehow this don't feel like home anymore
And this ain't no place for the weary kind
And this ain't no place to lose your mind
And this ain't no place to fall behind
Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try
Your body aches
Playing your guitar and sweating out the hate
The days and the nights all feel the same
Whiskey has been a thorn in your side
and it doesn't forget
the highway that calls for your heart inside
And this ain't no place for the weary kind
And this ain't no place to lose your mind
And this ain't no place to fall behind
Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try
Your lovers won't kiss
It's too damn far from your fingertips
You are the man that ruined her world
Your heart's on the loose
You rolled them sevens with nothing to lose
And this ain't no place for the weary kind
Shortly after I made my decision to quit I heard the song "The Weary Kind" from the motion picture Crazy Heart and it struck home. Sometimes a piece of music or a movie about an alcoholic musician can shed new light on a personal matter. The things that have helped me along the way would seem trivial to most people but they have done the job so far. I cannot thank my friends and family enough for being the support system that has held me up many times. I could never repay what you have done for me. My journey isn't over, not by a long shot but I have six months behind me. And a song to remind me not to give up:
The Weary Kind
Your heart's on the loose
You rolled them sevens with nothing to lose
And this ain't no place for the weary kind
You called all your shots
Shooting eight ball at the corner truck stop
Somehow this don't feel like home anymore
And this ain't no place for the weary kind
And this ain't no place to lose your mind
And this ain't no place to fall behind
Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try
Your body aches
Playing your guitar and sweating out the hate
The days and the nights all feel the same
Whiskey has been a thorn in your side
and it doesn't forget
the highway that calls for your heart inside
And this ain't no place for the weary kind
And this ain't no place to lose your mind
And this ain't no place to fall behind
Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try
Your lovers won't kiss
It's too damn far from your fingertips
You are the man that ruined her world
Your heart's on the loose
You rolled them sevens with nothing to lose
And this ain't no place for the weary kind
April 27, 2010
Mixed Nuts
My mind has been all over the place lately. It has been hard to focus and my sleeping pattern has been all off. Some of it is because I haven't taken my medicine like I'm supposed to. I have been taking it but in the last month I haven't taken it everyday. I was doing good with it but then I started forgetting to take it. As it stands I am about three doses behind right now. I'm sure that has a lot to do with my overall mood lately.
Saturday evening I was getting dressed to go out and reached into the interior pocket of the jacket I was wearing. I was surprised to find a note inside. It was written on a piece of green wrapping paper and said, "I love you Alan. Love, Emily." It reminded me that she gave me that jacket the Christmas before we were married. It was one of those moments that caught me off guard a little. It's been almost two years since our divorce was final and in the last year or so I really haven't thought much about how things were before. I'm trying not to think about it too much.
I had to go to a funeral last week. I had decided I wasn't going to anymore funerals a couple years ago. I wouldn't have gone to this one but I was asked to be a pallbearer and since she didn't have a lot of family I knew they needed someone to help out. I still maintain that we do funerals in the absolute wrong way. Sure, grieving is a process that we must all go through but I really think we do it wrong. I'll reserve my thoughts for another time.
Saturday evening I was getting dressed to go out and reached into the interior pocket of the jacket I was wearing. I was surprised to find a note inside. It was written on a piece of green wrapping paper and said, "I love you Alan. Love, Emily." It reminded me that she gave me that jacket the Christmas before we were married. It was one of those moments that caught me off guard a little. It's been almost two years since our divorce was final and in the last year or so I really haven't thought much about how things were before. I'm trying not to think about it too much.
I had to go to a funeral last week. I had decided I wasn't going to anymore funerals a couple years ago. I wouldn't have gone to this one but I was asked to be a pallbearer and since she didn't have a lot of family I knew they needed someone to help out. I still maintain that we do funerals in the absolute wrong way. Sure, grieving is a process that we must all go through but I really think we do it wrong. I'll reserve my thoughts for another time.
April 26, 2010
April 15, 2010
I Used To Hang With Some Heavenly Creatures...
I had dinner with an old friend from high school the other night. I hadn't seen Tisha in several years and I can count on one hand how many times I've seen her since we graduated. But facebook has brought us back into touch again and it was a delight to spend time with her and catch up a bit. As the conversation went on we started comparing notes on friends and I asked about someone I have also not seen in a long time. Tisha's response really threw me off a bit. Her tone of voice dropped and she said, "I love Melanie so much. I love her the way you loved her."
I had to mentally regroup a little when she said this. First off, I never realized I wore that fact on my sleeve but then again it was high school and teenagers are all a bundle of hormones and emotional angst. But the thing that really has had me thinking over the last couple days is the fact that that was eighteen years ago and I can't say that I'm emotionally mature enough to act any differently now. Being twice as old as I was then (jeez, I am getting old!!) gives me the benefit of applied life experience but not necessarily maturity.
I've been looking back for a couple days now, remembering those days and the wide eyed wonder that I was using to look at the world with graduation looming. I felt like the world was mine for the taking. And yes, I did love Melanie. She was special to me like few have been. Most of my good memories from high school involve her and few of those moments we have in life that stick with you are mutually exclusive to her. I was never in love with Melanie but she was one of those friends that we've all had, the type that makes you say, "I'd really like to meet a girl like that." I never entertained ideas of dating her but I did love her more than I loved my other female friends but some things are not meant to be. I hope she's doing alright.
I had to mentally regroup a little when she said this. First off, I never realized I wore that fact on my sleeve but then again it was high school and teenagers are all a bundle of hormones and emotional angst. But the thing that really has had me thinking over the last couple days is the fact that that was eighteen years ago and I can't say that I'm emotionally mature enough to act any differently now. Being twice as old as I was then (jeez, I am getting old!!) gives me the benefit of applied life experience but not necessarily maturity.
I've been looking back for a couple days now, remembering those days and the wide eyed wonder that I was using to look at the world with graduation looming. I felt like the world was mine for the taking. And yes, I did love Melanie. She was special to me like few have been. Most of my good memories from high school involve her and few of those moments we have in life that stick with you are mutually exclusive to her. I was never in love with Melanie but she was one of those friends that we've all had, the type that makes you say, "I'd really like to meet a girl like that." I never entertained ideas of dating her but I did love her more than I loved my other female friends but some things are not meant to be. I hope she's doing alright.
April 13, 2010
April 4, 2010
From The Breaking Of The Dawn
Being raised in church Easter was the second of the two big holidays. My father was the choir director and his work on the yearly Easter cantata started in late January. This meant that I was going to be at the church a lot over the next couple months. What seemed like endless nights at the church actually led to some fond memories for me. Luckily some of my friends' parents were in the choir so we would run wild through the church basement. Many, many hours were spent playing hide & seek in those dark hallways and classrooms. I knocked myself out one night running down the hallway and turning a little too soon into the next hallway. Head, meet brick wall.
Most of us generally view Easter as another holiday to visit family and kids know they are going to get candy and toys. I fell into this last category as a kid. I could never remember when Easter was happening so in the springtime I would get up every Sunday and run into the living room to see if this was the day I'd get stuff. Here is my Easter shame captured in all it's glory:
Yep, gotta love parents and their need to capture every moment of their kid's existent. I guess I really don't have a true feeling about Easter and it's Christian meaning any longer. I long ago stopped attending church and have had my questions about religion for years. But I do think Easter should be THE holiday on the Christian calender. It is generally believed that Jesus was born in April and Christmas was created by the church to try and "Christianize" a pagan holiday. Easter is the big moment in Jesus' ministry and we know that it happened on the Sunday after Passover. I guess retailers couldn't figure out a way to commercialize Easter enough to make it a bigger holiday.
Happy Easter everyone. I hope you spent lots of time with your families and your kids found lots of hidden eggs.
Most of us generally view Easter as another holiday to visit family and kids know they are going to get candy and toys. I fell into this last category as a kid. I could never remember when Easter was happening so in the springtime I would get up every Sunday and run into the living room to see if this was the day I'd get stuff. Here is my Easter shame captured in all it's glory:
Yep, gotta love parents and their need to capture every moment of their kid's existent. I guess I really don't have a true feeling about Easter and it's Christian meaning any longer. I long ago stopped attending church and have had my questions about religion for years. But I do think Easter should be THE holiday on the Christian calender. It is generally believed that Jesus was born in April and Christmas was created by the church to try and "Christianize" a pagan holiday. Easter is the big moment in Jesus' ministry and we know that it happened on the Sunday after Passover. I guess retailers couldn't figure out a way to commercialize Easter enough to make it a bigger holiday.
Happy Easter everyone. I hope you spent lots of time with your families and your kids found lots of hidden eggs.
Something Old, Something Blue (part 3)
This is another of my old Myspace blogs. I wrote it about a friend of mine that died. Today it has been thirteen years. I went to her grave today. Being Easter I guess that's a bit poetic.
April 4, 1997
A month had passed since the trip to New Orleans. The spring musical was quickly approaching but Melissa had missed a lot of classes. She had been in the hospital directly after the trip but had returned in her usual upbeat manner. But I was starting to worry.
I had met Melissa my first semester at Vol State. I wanted to be a better singer so I signed up for voice lessons. Melissa Gibson was not what I had bargained for. She was charismatic and larger than life. When she entered a room everyone knew it. So when I entered her office that January day I was more than a little over whelmed by her presence.
As the weeks went on I came to love Melissa. She had had a very interesting life in the theater and her best friend Holden was an executive with Disney. She also had this crazy musician friend named Ken who did all of her set designs. I'm certain he was stoned all the time. Because of Melissa I met my best friend Kim. I also met other colorful characters that I will not go into.
Of all the interesting people and situations Melissa introduced me to, the best thing she did for me was get me to let go on stage. I have always been a ham for the spotlight but Melissa taught me how to shine. I was always one of the first people she called when she was putting a show together. I learned to love being on stage because of her. Not many people who know me now have seen me take the stage but when I do I can thank Melissa Gibson for encouraging me to not be afraid of the spotlight.
April 4th was Chris' 21st birthday and we were heading out for the night when I got a page from home. Since it was 7 o'clock on a Friday night I knew something must be up. When we reached the Olive Garden in Rivergate I called from the payphone in the lobby. My Dad answered the phone and told me that Mark Birdsong had called the house looking for me. He gave me Mark's number and I hung up. I had a bad feeling. For the next fifteen minutes I tried getting in touch with Birdsong but his phone was busy. Finally I got through.
Melissa Gibson died at 4:12 pm on April 4, 1997 due to a heart attack. She was 38.
The next few days are still a blur ten years later. I had always felt like an outsider in the Vol State Singers but that weekend at the funeral home I felt completely alone. I was there as much as possible but missed the people I needed to see. Holden couldn't get away from work to come, I missed Ken in the shuffle somewhere and Tim couldn't bring himself to go to the funeral. He said he didn't want to remember her that way. I couldn't blame him. I wish I hadn't seen that casket go into the ground.
The great thing about looking back on bad times is remembering the good times that surrounded them. When I remember Melissa I see her in the theater at Vol State barking out orders and telling off color jokes. I see her in New Orleans showing us kids the real way to party. And every time I step onto a stage I hear her saying, "When you walk out on that stage you better mean every last second of it or else I'm gonna personally kick your ass!"
I went to see her today. I haven't been up there in a long time but I knew I needed to go. I didn't have much time but when I stood by her marker a flood of memories came rushing back; all good ones. I won't let as much time pass between visits from now on.
I miss you Melissa.
April 4, 1997
A month had passed since the trip to New Orleans. The spring musical was quickly approaching but Melissa had missed a lot of classes. She had been in the hospital directly after the trip but had returned in her usual upbeat manner. But I was starting to worry.
I had met Melissa my first semester at Vol State. I wanted to be a better singer so I signed up for voice lessons. Melissa Gibson was not what I had bargained for. She was charismatic and larger than life. When she entered a room everyone knew it. So when I entered her office that January day I was more than a little over whelmed by her presence.
As the weeks went on I came to love Melissa. She had had a very interesting life in the theater and her best friend Holden was an executive with Disney. She also had this crazy musician friend named Ken who did all of her set designs. I'm certain he was stoned all the time. Because of Melissa I met my best friend Kim. I also met other colorful characters that I will not go into.
Of all the interesting people and situations Melissa introduced me to, the best thing she did for me was get me to let go on stage. I have always been a ham for the spotlight but Melissa taught me how to shine. I was always one of the first people she called when she was putting a show together. I learned to love being on stage because of her. Not many people who know me now have seen me take the stage but when I do I can thank Melissa Gibson for encouraging me to not be afraid of the spotlight.
April 4th was Chris' 21st birthday and we were heading out for the night when I got a page from home. Since it was 7 o'clock on a Friday night I knew something must be up. When we reached the Olive Garden in Rivergate I called from the payphone in the lobby. My Dad answered the phone and told me that Mark Birdsong had called the house looking for me. He gave me Mark's number and I hung up. I had a bad feeling. For the next fifteen minutes I tried getting in touch with Birdsong but his phone was busy. Finally I got through.
Melissa Gibson died at 4:12 pm on April 4, 1997 due to a heart attack. She was 38.
The next few days are still a blur ten years later. I had always felt like an outsider in the Vol State Singers but that weekend at the funeral home I felt completely alone. I was there as much as possible but missed the people I needed to see. Holden couldn't get away from work to come, I missed Ken in the shuffle somewhere and Tim couldn't bring himself to go to the funeral. He said he didn't want to remember her that way. I couldn't blame him. I wish I hadn't seen that casket go into the ground.
The great thing about looking back on bad times is remembering the good times that surrounded them. When I remember Melissa I see her in the theater at Vol State barking out orders and telling off color jokes. I see her in New Orleans showing us kids the real way to party. And every time I step onto a stage I hear her saying, "When you walk out on that stage you better mean every last second of it or else I'm gonna personally kick your ass!"
I went to see her today. I haven't been up there in a long time but I knew I needed to go. I didn't have much time but when I stood by her marker a flood of memories came rushing back; all good ones. I won't let as much time pass between visits from now on.
I miss you Melissa.
March 31, 2010
What's My Drug Of Choice?
Nights like this are both amazing and frustrating all at once. In the springtime when the weather just starts to warm up my insides begin to race. It's on these first warm nights that I want to go out and get wild. Maybe it's evolutionary, maybe it's just me but the drive to get out of the house and get into whatever I can just takes over. This feeling is something that drove my drinking for years. The desire to be out of the house and around people was my real drug of choice. I still have that desire but I no longer have the mode or the help to reach my destination. I need something new in my life to fill that void...
March 30, 2010
March 29, 2010
There Are Places I'll Remember...
This used to be one of my favorite places in the world. More specifically that expanse of green grass there used to be a set of monkey bars. When I was a kid I loved climbing to the top of those monkey bars. I would stay up there while my Dad played softball a few hundred feet away. When I got older I would go there and climb to the top when I needed to think. I spent several nights dodging the police after hours in this park when I was just trying to be alone to think at 2 am.
A few years ago I stopped in the park to eat my lunch. I hadn't been there in awhile and was sad to see my monkey bars were gone. That place of childhood security and young adult angst no longer existed. The worst part was that it happened without knowing, like I had lost touch with an old friend then found out they had died in the mean time. I miss my favorite place....
March 26, 2010
The Soundtrack To My Love (the early years)
I started writing a series of blogs a couple years ago dealing with songs and the moments in time they represented in my life. My blog about "One Moment In Time" was one of those that I finally got around to publishing. I had written all or part of several of these blogs around the same time but I just didn't feel right about putting them out there for the world to see. I don't know why.
Tonight I was driving home from work and was looking for a mix cd in my car. Since most of these cds are not labeled I inserting each one and listened to a few seconds of music. I never found the one I was looking for but one did catch my attention. It was made up predominately of love/sad songs from the late 80's. It was funny because it got me to thinking about those days and the girl that turned me into a musical wuss for several years. That longing I spoke about in a previous blog all started when I was a kid. A very young kid.
I met her when I was six. My family changed churches that year and the first day I went to my new Sunday school class was the first time I laid eyes on her. We quickly became friends and that was fine for a few years but things changed eventually, at least on my end. Being a kid I didn't know why she wouldn't want to be my girlfriend. This was a lesson I would learn repeatedly for the next ten years or so. I'll spare you the details of my painful pubescent unrequited affections.
The thing that really kept me hanging on through all those years was music. Specifically love and heartbreak songs. And I have a story to go with each one of them. Looking back it's hard to believe that I was so wrapped up in those horribly cheesy and sappy pop ballads. I will have to agree that a few of them have aged better than others. Here is a short list:
Yes, I am well aware that most of those songs are crap (and at least one is a little creepy) but they were the soundtrack to my love. Or at least I hoped they would be the soundtrack to my love. I would listen to them and fantasize about first dates and first kisses, slow dancing at prom and one day asking her to marry me. I would pray every day that she would love me the way I loved her and we would be together forever. I held on to the slightest little glimmer of hope that I found in the lyrics. Survivor's "The Search Is Over" gave the most hope in its final line "the search is over love was right before my eyes." Yeah, I held on to that for years.
Every bad line, every cliche, every speck of triumph played out in my head. I built these elaborate fantasies in my head about how I would win her over. From the very simple (cool car) to the insanely impossible (how was I ever gonna beat up the class bully in front of her? we went to different schools). Then I started to learn music and my approach changed, I would win her over with a song. I can say I tried this one several times over the years, just not with her, and it never worked.
But why couldn't it work with me? 'Cause 'til now I always got by on my own, I never really cared until I met her. I was living for a dream, loving for a moment. Taking on the world was just my style. I would do it all for the glory of love because I couldn't fight this feeling anymore and I had forgotten what I started fighting for. I'd fall down on my knees and kiss the ground that she walked on if I could just hold her...ever. It wouldn't take much to make me lose control and after all the stops and starts we'd keep coming back to these two hearts. It was meant to be forever her and me, after all.
Don't even try to lie and say you never put together a paragraph like that when you were twelve. It's funny now but back then those kinds of hopeless ramblings were keeping me going. The funny thing is that I never once thought about her sexually. I was a young teenage boy with all the raging hormones and I never looked at the girl I loved in a sexual manner. I looked at every other girl lustfully, but never her. This is a theme that still continues to this day with the women I love. It has caused a few problems over the years.
It's been more than twenty years since all that took place and I find it funny how hearing a few songs so easily took me back to that time. Not just took me back in time but dug up old feelings. Feelings that I thought were long gone. Not necessarily for her but that longing and feeling of rejection came back in full force. Twenty years and nothing has really changed. I'm still just a guy trying to figure out how to win over a girl. My approach has changed and my song selection is (hopefully) better but all my life I have been compiling the soundtrack to my love. The twelve year old me would be having a panic attack right about now....
Tonight I was driving home from work and was looking for a mix cd in my car. Since most of these cds are not labeled I inserting each one and listened to a few seconds of music. I never found the one I was looking for but one did catch my attention. It was made up predominately of love/sad songs from the late 80's. It was funny because it got me to thinking about those days and the girl that turned me into a musical wuss for several years. That longing I spoke about in a previous blog all started when I was a kid. A very young kid.
I met her when I was six. My family changed churches that year and the first day I went to my new Sunday school class was the first time I laid eyes on her. We quickly became friends and that was fine for a few years but things changed eventually, at least on my end. Being a kid I didn't know why she wouldn't want to be my girlfriend. This was a lesson I would learn repeatedly for the next ten years or so. I'll spare you the details of my painful pubescent unrequited affections.
The thing that really kept me hanging on through all those years was music. Specifically love and heartbreak songs. And I have a story to go with each one of them. Looking back it's hard to believe that I was so wrapped up in those horribly cheesy and sappy pop ballads. I will have to agree that a few of them have aged better than others. Here is a short list:
Yes, I am well aware that most of those songs are crap (and at least one is a little creepy) but they were the soundtrack to my love. Or at least I hoped they would be the soundtrack to my love. I would listen to them and fantasize about first dates and first kisses, slow dancing at prom and one day asking her to marry me. I would pray every day that she would love me the way I loved her and we would be together forever. I held on to the slightest little glimmer of hope that I found in the lyrics. Survivor's "The Search Is Over" gave the most hope in its final line "the search is over love was right before my eyes." Yeah, I held on to that for years.
Every bad line, every cliche, every speck of triumph played out in my head. I built these elaborate fantasies in my head about how I would win her over. From the very simple (cool car) to the insanely impossible (how was I ever gonna beat up the class bully in front of her? we went to different schools). Then I started to learn music and my approach changed, I would win her over with a song. I can say I tried this one several times over the years, just not with her, and it never worked.
But why couldn't it work with me? 'Cause 'til now I always got by on my own, I never really cared until I met her. I was living for a dream, loving for a moment. Taking on the world was just my style. I would do it all for the glory of love because I couldn't fight this feeling anymore and I had forgotten what I started fighting for. I'd fall down on my knees and kiss the ground that she walked on if I could just hold her...ever. It wouldn't take much to make me lose control and after all the stops and starts we'd keep coming back to these two hearts. It was meant to be forever her and me, after all.
Don't even try to lie and say you never put together a paragraph like that when you were twelve. It's funny now but back then those kinds of hopeless ramblings were keeping me going. The funny thing is that I never once thought about her sexually. I was a young teenage boy with all the raging hormones and I never looked at the girl I loved in a sexual manner. I looked at every other girl lustfully, but never her. This is a theme that still continues to this day with the women I love. It has caused a few problems over the years.
It's been more than twenty years since all that took place and I find it funny how hearing a few songs so easily took me back to that time. Not just took me back in time but dug up old feelings. Feelings that I thought were long gone. Not necessarily for her but that longing and feeling of rejection came back in full force. Twenty years and nothing has really changed. I'm still just a guy trying to figure out how to win over a girl. My approach has changed and my song selection is (hopefully) better but all my life I have been compiling the soundtrack to my love. The twelve year old me would be having a panic attack right about now....
March 25, 2010
Con Trek!!
I promise to soon update this blog with an actual...well, blog. But in the mean time here are links to something cool that I'm involved with:
Con Trek on iTunes
Con Trek on Mevio
Con Trek on Blip.TV
Go check it out and let us know what you think.
Con Trek on iTunes
Con Trek on Mevio
Con Trek on Blip.TV
Go check it out and let us know what you think.
March 14, 2010
Ten Long Years In A Straight Line
I feel the need to write tonight but I can't. I could but I don't think I want to be that honest. In the past I would just write it all down and put it out there in a drunken haze. Then I would delete it all the next day and hope that the wrong person didn't see it. A couple years ago I did this in a message to a friend. I have felt bad about it ever since. A lot has happened in the duration but it still feels awkward.
I saw her tonight and she was as beautiful as ever. And I was as awkward as ever. I guess it's nice to know some things never change. Maybe someday we'll talk about it and I'll get the chance to say I'm sorry. If I was still drinking tonight would be a legendary mess.
I saw her tonight and she was as beautiful as ever. And I was as awkward as ever. I guess it's nice to know some things never change. Maybe someday we'll talk about it and I'll get the chance to say I'm sorry. If I was still drinking tonight would be a legendary mess.
March 13, 2010
A Little Bungalow With Some Strange New Friends
Yet another of my old Myspace blogs. At the time I wrote this I was doing a radio show at Vol State but not enrolled in school. You'll see how that is relevant.
I find that as I get older I long for things I never really had. Kinda like being cool. I have never been cool but that's okay because no one is really cool (it helps me sleep better at night). Here is a (hopefully) short list of things I never had that I long for:
1. A high school love -- I never had a teenage love. Somehow I feel that this crippled me in a way because I made A LOT of mistakes in my "adult" relationships because I did not work through some of the kinks as a teen. This could also explain my obsession with teen television dramas.
2. A muscle car -- My first car was a 1975 Camero. Yes, technically it was a muscle car but mine was beat up and nowhere near its past glory but I loved that car. This is ironic when I think about some of the girls I dated.
3. A great adventure -- I dreamed and even planned on several occasions to take off on a cross country drive. Things just never worked out. Now, I wish I had done it.
4. A great first experience -- It was less memorable as it was stressful. Go figure.
5. A virgin -- Never been with one. The closest I've been is third on the list. Not that I'm that upset because anyone who knows me knows my affinity for whores. And besides, who really wants to shoulder the responsibility of that task. Certain extremists think that if they die doing "God's" work then they will be rewarded with seven virgins. Give me two good sluts and you can have all the virgins in the world. Of course, being first on the list bares no comparison to others. And not being compared to someone is a security in and of itself.
6. Old friends -- I had some great friends in high school. However, as soon as I broke from the pack and made other friends I came under scrutiny for betraying "the only 'real' friends" I'd ever have. Yeah, those where screwed up days. But I didn't know better therefore it was a better time, right? I still run in to those guys from time to time and they all turned into what I knew they would. For all of the talk about "Us and Them", they all faded right in with the mainstream ideas about careers and marriage. Whereas I was the one who skated around these institutions. Score one for the conforming non-conformist.
I realize that I miss college more than ever. Being on campus but not in school lets me have all the benefits of school without all the work. But, I now know that I enjoyed the work too. Learning is a great thing. Especially once I realized that learning is a form of eternal youth. Figure that one out for yourself. These days I'm just the dirty old man on campus. I figure I've earned that one though. Act III...
I find that as I get older I long for things I never really had. Kinda like being cool. I have never been cool but that's okay because no one is really cool (it helps me sleep better at night). Here is a (hopefully) short list of things I never had that I long for:
1. A high school love -- I never had a teenage love. Somehow I feel that this crippled me in a way because I made A LOT of mistakes in my "adult" relationships because I did not work through some of the kinks as a teen. This could also explain my obsession with teen television dramas.
2. A muscle car -- My first car was a 1975 Camero. Yes, technically it was a muscle car but mine was beat up and nowhere near its past glory but I loved that car. This is ironic when I think about some of the girls I dated.
3. A great adventure -- I dreamed and even planned on several occasions to take off on a cross country drive. Things just never worked out. Now, I wish I had done it.
4. A great first experience -- It was less memorable as it was stressful. Go figure.
5. A virgin -- Never been with one. The closest I've been is third on the list. Not that I'm that upset because anyone who knows me knows my affinity for whores. And besides, who really wants to shoulder the responsibility of that task. Certain extremists think that if they die doing "God's" work then they will be rewarded with seven virgins. Give me two good sluts and you can have all the virgins in the world. Of course, being first on the list bares no comparison to others. And not being compared to someone is a security in and of itself.
6. Old friends -- I had some great friends in high school. However, as soon as I broke from the pack and made other friends I came under scrutiny for betraying "the only 'real' friends" I'd ever have. Yeah, those where screwed up days. But I didn't know better therefore it was a better time, right? I still run in to those guys from time to time and they all turned into what I knew they would. For all of the talk about "Us and Them", they all faded right in with the mainstream ideas about careers and marriage. Whereas I was the one who skated around these institutions. Score one for the conforming non-conformist.
I realize that I miss college more than ever. Being on campus but not in school lets me have all the benefits of school without all the work. But, I now know that I enjoyed the work too. Learning is a great thing. Especially once I realized that learning is a form of eternal youth. Figure that one out for yourself. These days I'm just the dirty old man on campus. I figure I've earned that one though. Act III...
March 9, 2010
Pull This Thread As I Walk Away
This is another blog from back in the Myspace days. I tweaked it a little to update it to current trends. Enjoy.
I used to have this brown sweater that I loved. It was light-weight and all around comfortable. We all have more clothes than we actually wear. God knows I do. But there are those few articles of clothing that are my favorites. This sweater was one of those items. It was my go to when I was running short on time. It was that piece of clothing that (in my mind) looked good with anything. It was warm. It was dependable. It was sexy...in a way. It saw many a debaucherous night at many seedy establishments. That sweater would have owned me if it had decided to write a tell-all. It wound up smelling of strippers, second-hand smoke and alcohol. It waited patiently on the floor of many a bedroom floor. That sweater outlasted several jobs and several girls who tried to replace it with newer, nicer sweaters. Coupled with a cabby turned backward that sweater gave me artistic merit on several occasions. It even doubled as pajamas several times when I was too tired or too drunk to take off my clothes before bed. Not only was my sweater protection from the elements, it was comfort and convenience.
Still, on one fateful day, it found its way into the bins at the Goodwill drop off. It still had some life left in it. True, it was picked and worn in spots, but not past its prime by any means. It was just time to move on, I thought. I'd give anything to have that sweater back now. I stand and look through my closet from time to time and wonder what happened to all my favorite clothes. Now all I see are clothes that fit different rolls in my life. Polos for work, button-ups for church, long sleeves for winter, short sleeves for summer, tank tops for the gym, but still I don't have that go to article. Sure my light blue Gap t-shirt is a close substitute, but my sweater played far too many rolls to have out lasted its usefulness. Maybe some day I will enter Old Navy, walk to the mark downs and find a comparable fit. But it will not be the same. Sure the style, the cut, the fit may be the same but the fibers will not have bonded with my soul the way my old friend from back in the day had. The next time I buy a forty of beer I'll remember to pour some on the ground as a memorial to the brown sweater that saw me through so many misadventures and shared so many stories in my life. Who knows maybe MTV will give me and my sweater a reality show about our reunion. Hey, it'd be more realistic than Jersey Shore.
I used to have this brown sweater that I loved. It was light-weight and all around comfortable. We all have more clothes than we actually wear. God knows I do. But there are those few articles of clothing that are my favorites. This sweater was one of those items. It was my go to when I was running short on time. It was that piece of clothing that (in my mind) looked good with anything. It was warm. It was dependable. It was sexy...in a way. It saw many a debaucherous night at many seedy establishments. That sweater would have owned me if it had decided to write a tell-all. It wound up smelling of strippers, second-hand smoke and alcohol. It waited patiently on the floor of many a bedroom floor. That sweater outlasted several jobs and several girls who tried to replace it with newer, nicer sweaters. Coupled with a cabby turned backward that sweater gave me artistic merit on several occasions. It even doubled as pajamas several times when I was too tired or too drunk to take off my clothes before bed. Not only was my sweater protection from the elements, it was comfort and convenience.
Still, on one fateful day, it found its way into the bins at the Goodwill drop off. It still had some life left in it. True, it was picked and worn in spots, but not past its prime by any means. It was just time to move on, I thought. I'd give anything to have that sweater back now. I stand and look through my closet from time to time and wonder what happened to all my favorite clothes. Now all I see are clothes that fit different rolls in my life. Polos for work, button-ups for church, long sleeves for winter, short sleeves for summer, tank tops for the gym, but still I don't have that go to article. Sure my light blue Gap t-shirt is a close substitute, but my sweater played far too many rolls to have out lasted its usefulness. Maybe some day I will enter Old Navy, walk to the mark downs and find a comparable fit. But it will not be the same. Sure the style, the cut, the fit may be the same but the fibers will not have bonded with my soul the way my old friend from back in the day had. The next time I buy a forty of beer I'll remember to pour some on the ground as a memorial to the brown sweater that saw me through so many misadventures and shared so many stories in my life. Who knows maybe MTV will give me and my sweater a reality show about our reunion. Hey, it'd be more realistic than Jersey Shore.
February 24, 2010
One Moment In Time
Whitney Houston was at the top of her game in 1988. And to top all of that off she had a song on the 1988 Seoul , Korea
I was still awake after 11:00 pm central time for game one of the 1988 World Series. As both teams were from the West coast (The Los Angeles Dodgers were playing the Oakland Athletics) the game was running late by East coast standards. Game one had been close all the way trough the ninth inning. The A’s had a one run lead heading into the bottom of the ninth. A's closer, Dennis Eckersley retired two batters with little effort and a hobbled Kirk Gibson came to the plate as a pinch hitter after Eckersley walked Mike Davis.
Down one run with the tying run on first Gibson limped to the plate. Gibson’s knees had been a point of contention for the entire game. Could he deliver now that everything was on the line? I lay on the couch watching what happened next. I really hadn’t cared about baseball since I quit playing two years earlier. Although I had dreamed at one time to be in Kirk Gibson’s shoes I really didn’t care prior to this moment. But at the moment Gibson came to the plate I became a Dodgers fan. Not because I cared about the Dodgers but because my father sat down on the chair next to me and said, “This is every little boy’s dream. Too bad he’s almost as old as I am and his knees are shot.”
At that moment I looked at my father and saw a lifetime of unfulfilled achievements in his eyes. Little did I know at the time how close our family was to bankruptcy. As we both watched Gibson at the bat the air became very tense in the room. Gibson went down 0-2 in the count early and I expected the worst. I looked at my father. The look of despair on his face was more than I had ever seen. Gibson made it to a full count of 3-2. Eckersley looked to win the game. ThenDavis
In my 14 year-old world this was the greatest thing I had ever seen. I looked at my father. All he could say was, “look at him, he can barely make it around the bases.” I could see the tears welling up in his eyes. He nodded his head and walked out of the room. I watched Kirk Gibson cross home plate and tried to imagine what it must feel like. Gibson never went to bat again in that 1988 series but the Dodgers still won in five games. NBC was carrying the series that year and as the credits for the series played I remember seeing highlights of Gibson’s homerun and Tommy LaSorda storming the field at the end of game five as “One Moment In Time” played.
I will always associate that ’88 series with that song; as well as the fact that my Father and I did not watch another game together for many years. But we did watch the last at bat of game one together and for a moment in time a total stranger inspired us both to believe in miracles. For me it was a little boy’s dream come true and for him it was the inspiration to never give up, no matter how old you are.
I was still awake after 11:00 pm central time for game one of the 1988 World Series. As both teams were from the West coast (The Los Angeles Dodgers were playing the Oakland Athletics) the game was running late by East coast standards. Game one had been close all the way trough the ninth inning. The A’s had a one run lead heading into the bottom of the ninth. A's closer, Dennis Eckersley retired two batters with little effort and a hobbled Kirk Gibson came to the plate as a pinch hitter after Eckersley walked Mike Davis.
Down one run with the tying run on first Gibson limped to the plate. Gibson’s knees had been a point of contention for the entire game. Could he deliver now that everything was on the line? I lay on the couch watching what happened next. I really hadn’t cared about baseball since I quit playing two years earlier. Although I had dreamed at one time to be in Kirk Gibson’s shoes I really didn’t care prior to this moment. But at the moment Gibson came to the plate I became a Dodgers fan. Not because I cared about the Dodgers but because my father sat down on the chair next to me and said, “This is every little boy’s dream. Too bad he’s almost as old as I am and his knees are shot.”
At that moment I looked at my father and saw a lifetime of unfulfilled achievements in his eyes. Little did I know at the time how close our family was to bankruptcy. As we both watched Gibson at the bat the air became very tense in the room. Gibson went down 0-2 in the count early and I expected the worst. I looked at my father. The look of despair on his face was more than I had ever seen. Gibson made it to a full count of 3-2. Eckersley looked to win the game. Then
In my 14 year-old world this was the greatest thing I had ever seen. I looked at my father. All he could say was, “look at him, he can barely make it around the bases.” I could see the tears welling up in his eyes. He nodded his head and walked out of the room. I watched Kirk Gibson cross home plate and tried to imagine what it must feel like. Gibson never went to bat again in that 1988 series but the Dodgers still won in five games. NBC was carrying the series that year and as the credits for the series played I remember seeing highlights of Gibson’s homerun and Tommy LaSorda storming the field at the end of game five as “One Moment In Time” played.
I will always associate that ’88 series with that song; as well as the fact that my Father and I did not watch another game together for many years. But we did watch the last at bat of game one together and for a moment in time a total stranger inspired us both to believe in miracles. For me it was a little boy’s dream come true and for him it was the inspiration to never give up, no matter how old you are.
February 20, 2010
The Prettiest Girl at the Ball
Last night was a lot of fun. It felt good to be on stage again. I can tell the guys are wanting to play some more and so am I. I forgot how addicting this rock star thing is. Luckily for me I have put all my bad habits behind me so this time the "party" won't get in the way. I saw many friends last night, some whom I have not seen in a long time. Thank you all for coming out.
This was our set list from the show:
Paparazzi
From Out of Nowhere
Where is My Mind?
Finest Worksong
Limelight
Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me
Ziggy Stardust
Anything, Anything
Jessie's Girl
Believe In Me
Radiation Vibe
Bastards of Young
Sick Of Myself
Everlong
I will have some pics and video up on here and youtube ASAP but so far this is my favorite pic:
Very Envy Adams!!
This was our set list from the show:
Paparazzi
From Out of Nowhere
Where is My Mind?
Finest Worksong
Limelight
Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me
Ziggy Stardust
Anything, Anything
Jessie's Girl
Believe In Me
Radiation Vibe
Bastards of Young
Sick Of Myself
Everlong
I will have some pics and video up on here and youtube ASAP but so far this is my favorite pic:
Very Envy Adams!!
February 19, 2010
My "Fast" Life Days 22-30, The Conclusion
These last few days have been interesting. I've been planning my "exit strategy" for a little over a week now and still don't have a clear cut plan. I do know that I am not putting red meat back into my diet. I went six years without it and I survived just fine. It was around the time that I started up again that I started getting fat. I think there might be a connection. Sweets have never been a big problem so me so I'm not worried about them.
The funny thing that has happened since Sunday is my mind has kept telling me I'm close enough to the end that it will be okay to have the bad stuff. I sat in the movie theater for two hours that day fighting the urge to get popcorn. And there have been other things as well but I fought all the urges and made it to the end.
One thing I have heard from friends and family for the last thirty days has been, "I couldn't do that." I used to think like that myself. As time wore on when someone would say that I started editing the phrase in my head to "I don't have the willpower to do that," or "I don't want to do that." Ultimately that's what it comes down to. Anyone could do a thirty day fast if they wanted to but most of us don't. The words can't and won't are too easily mistaken these days.
So way back when I started I decided to do this fast I said I was going to go to Waffle House at 12:01 on February 19th. Well, I did and this was my reward for thirty days of discipline:
That was the best chocolate chip waffle I have ever had in my life. I think I'm gonna be sick now...
The funny thing that has happened since Sunday is my mind has kept telling me I'm close enough to the end that it will be okay to have the bad stuff. I sat in the movie theater for two hours that day fighting the urge to get popcorn. And there have been other things as well but I fought all the urges and made it to the end.
One thing I have heard from friends and family for the last thirty days has been, "I couldn't do that." I used to think like that myself. As time wore on when someone would say that I started editing the phrase in my head to "I don't have the willpower to do that," or "I don't want to do that." Ultimately that's what it comes down to. Anyone could do a thirty day fast if they wanted to but most of us don't. The words can't and won't are too easily mistaken these days.
So way back when I started I decided to do this fast I said I was going to go to Waffle House at 12:01 on February 19th. Well, I did and this was my reward for thirty days of discipline:
That was the best chocolate chip waffle I have ever had in my life. I think I'm gonna be sick now...
February 15, 2010
Something Old, Something Blue, Again...
This is another blog from the Myspace days. I've always been kinda proud of this one because it is meant to be read along with the song "She Will Be Loved" and is just long enough to end at the same time. It may take you a couple times but you'll get there.
It's Not Always Rainbows and Butterflies
Act III begins with a snap back to reality....
"I don't mind spending every day out on your corner in the pouring rain"
I still remember doing those sorts of things to try and win the girl I was longing for. There were a lot of girls over the years. Some were worth it, I think. Some could have been worth the time but I got sidetracked by another. Some just blew me off and made the most impression. I can name every girl I ever longed for but did not win over. I don't even know the first names of several girls I've slept with. It’s funny what sticks with you. But those girls that rejected me taught me a lot.
I learned that just being friends is the cruelest fate for any would be suitor. It never fails that she comes to you for advice with the new guy. What's worse is when the guy comes to you and wants to know what to do to impress her.
I learned that when you finally succumb to loneliness and start to date someone who's less than you want, your 'friend' will get pissy with you because you're not devoting enough time to her worship. Then she'll start to try and get your attention. The kick in the nuts in this situation is that you'll fool yourself into thinking that she actually wants you. So, you'll dump your sure thing (the girl who it would be wise to stay with because she actually likes you) and run head long into your object of affection who neglected to tell you she was seeing someone else.
I learned that no matter how hard you try and forget her, every song on the radio reminds you of her. Every movie you see will give you false hope that one day she'll come to her senses and realize that you are the only one she wants. Every sappy love poem you write will be a ticking time bomb of future embarrassment that lies in wait to fall into the wrong hands.
I learned that years later when you see her she'll still captivate you like you never thought she would.
I learned that once you give up and move on to a new object of affection, everything that has happened up to that point will sabotage any happiness that you may have had with the new girl.
I learned that after years of rejection you'll not be able to recognize when someone is actually interested in you. This leads to a lot of immature turns in the road to happiness. A lot of stupid things will be said and done. A lot of feelings will get hurt. And a lot of inadequacies will rear their ugly heads.
I learned that when you get older and finally move past so many rejections and embarrassments, you'll look back and wonder where all the energy and passion that you reserved for those futile campaigns went. How can you devote so much time and attention to chasing after something that you'll never get, but now are willing to let your desires flee into the sunset without even the slightest chase?
Here's what it all comes down to. In the song "She Will Be Loved" after the bridge, it feels like the song is going to go into another verse, the singer does a turn around. He only sings the first line of the second verse ("Tap on my window, knock on my door. I want to make you feel beautiful") and then there is a pause, and they go straight into a revved up chorus. That pause right before the song kicks back in is where every person who ever longed for someone lives.
It’s perfectly wedged between where you (as the wannabe love interest) are and where you long to be. That simple restatement of all you ask ("Tap on my window, knock on my door...") and what you long to do ("...I want to make you feel beautiful") builds to a climax. Then there is the dramatic pause to build the anticipation. As the chorus booms every second of teenage angst, love, lust, longing, crying at sappy movies, sing-a-longs to sugary love ballads by artists you'll one day be ashamed to admit you secretly liked and years of waiting for her to realize that no one could love her like you could, culminates in a passionate embrace that threatens to collapse the stars and tear the very fabric of reality.
Sadly most of us never get to come back in with the booming chorus that allows you to express your love for each other. That's why the victims of unrequited love will forever be stuck in that dramatic pause waiting to finally win the girl and live happily ever after. Sorry Ducky, maybe in the sequel. After her second marriage collapses and she needs someone to raise her two kids (one by each father, and the reason she got married both times). Then, you'll look pretty damn good.
It's Not Always Rainbows and Butterflies
Act III begins with a snap back to reality....
"I don't mind spending every day out on your corner in the pouring rain"
I still remember doing those sorts of things to try and win the girl I was longing for. There were a lot of girls over the years. Some were worth it, I think. Some could have been worth the time but I got sidetracked by another. Some just blew me off and made the most impression. I can name every girl I ever longed for but did not win over. I don't even know the first names of several girls I've slept with. It’s funny what sticks with you. But those girls that rejected me taught me a lot.
I learned that just being friends is the cruelest fate for any would be suitor. It never fails that she comes to you for advice with the new guy. What's worse is when the guy comes to you and wants to know what to do to impress her.
I learned that when you finally succumb to loneliness and start to date someone who's less than you want, your 'friend' will get pissy with you because you're not devoting enough time to her worship. Then she'll start to try and get your attention. The kick in the nuts in this situation is that you'll fool yourself into thinking that she actually wants you. So, you'll dump your sure thing (the girl who it would be wise to stay with because she actually likes you) and run head long into your object of affection who neglected to tell you she was seeing someone else.
I learned that no matter how hard you try and forget her, every song on the radio reminds you of her. Every movie you see will give you false hope that one day she'll come to her senses and realize that you are the only one she wants. Every sappy love poem you write will be a ticking time bomb of future embarrassment that lies in wait to fall into the wrong hands.
I learned that years later when you see her she'll still captivate you like you never thought she would.
I learned that once you give up and move on to a new object of affection, everything that has happened up to that point will sabotage any happiness that you may have had with the new girl.
I learned that after years of rejection you'll not be able to recognize when someone is actually interested in you. This leads to a lot of immature turns in the road to happiness. A lot of stupid things will be said and done. A lot of feelings will get hurt. And a lot of inadequacies will rear their ugly heads.
I learned that when you get older and finally move past so many rejections and embarrassments, you'll look back and wonder where all the energy and passion that you reserved for those futile campaigns went. How can you devote so much time and attention to chasing after something that you'll never get, but now are willing to let your desires flee into the sunset without even the slightest chase?
Here's what it all comes down to. In the song "She Will Be Loved" after the bridge, it feels like the song is going to go into another verse, the singer does a turn around. He only sings the first line of the second verse ("Tap on my window, knock on my door. I want to make you feel beautiful") and then there is a pause, and they go straight into a revved up chorus. That pause right before the song kicks back in is where every person who ever longed for someone lives.
It’s perfectly wedged between where you (as the wannabe love interest) are and where you long to be. That simple restatement of all you ask ("Tap on my window, knock on my door...") and what you long to do ("...I want to make you feel beautiful") builds to a climax. Then there is the dramatic pause to build the anticipation. As the chorus booms every second of teenage angst, love, lust, longing, crying at sappy movies, sing-a-longs to sugary love ballads by artists you'll one day be ashamed to admit you secretly liked and years of waiting for her to realize that no one could love her like you could, culminates in a passionate embrace that threatens to collapse the stars and tear the very fabric of reality.
Sadly most of us never get to come back in with the booming chorus that allows you to express your love for each other. That's why the victims of unrequited love will forever be stuck in that dramatic pause waiting to finally win the girl and live happily ever after. Sorry Ducky, maybe in the sequel. After her second marriage collapses and she needs someone to raise her two kids (one by each father, and the reason she got married both times). Then, you'll look pretty damn good.
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