What More Can I Do?

It is sometimes difficult to express the things that make me angry and really want to scream. I don't like to scream. In fact I really hate screaming and yelling. Nothing gets resolved and only hurt feelings are left. I resolved myself to not do this any longer a long time ago. I think we would be better off as a society if we could learn what is truly worth arguing about and leaving the rest to dry up and blow away on a bitter wind. We might just get along. But what I think is worth arguing over and what someone else thinks is worth arguing over don't usually sync. My father told me when I was young not to sweat the small stuff and in the end it's all small stuff. Dad was right about that and I've been a much happier person since I chose to start living by those words. But lately I have been angry, a lot.

As most of you know my wife had a miscarriage at the start of November. This was the single most devastating thing to ever happen to me. I know we are not the first family to go through this and I have a new understanding and empathy for anyone who has suffered this way. When Sylvia called me to tell me the news I could tell she was upset. I held it together as much as I could in the days following until it didn't hurt as much. After awhile the sadness subsided but anger crept in to fill the void. I found myself getting mad because I knew I would be a great father. I got mad because of all the terrible people who have been allowed to have children. And I got mad because of  this .

I'm not trying to throw my wife under the bus here. When I read that blog I got angry because she said she wouldn't be too upset if she miscarried. That isn't what that blog was about. She was writing about all the emotions she was going through and I picked out one sentence to focus on. But then I got angry at myself because the same thing had entered my mind. It wasn't how I really felt (and neither did she) but that horrible thought had crossed my mind in the beginning and no matter how much I truly wanted that baby I couldn't shake the anger at myself for having such a selfish thought. To be honest I had more than a couple urges to start drinking again. Luckily a strong will and a long memory prevented that. Still all this bottled up anger hasn't been good for me. I have been more confrontational as of late. I've also been pretty sensitive lately.

Now me being me I don't show vulnerability like most. I have a tendency to over compensate then kind of hold it over people's heads a bit. I also have a tendency to become extra smartassed and snarky. And I have done all these things in the last two months. My wife has seen my mood swing all over the place and back again. She's been a real trooper. But Christmas was the worst.

We had a good Christmas but I wasn't on my best behavior. I picked. I prodded. I was a first class smartass. I said dumb things and passive-aggressively took my anger out on her. No matter how many times I "set my head right" and apologized I still fell back into my coping mechanisms of choice. And I am still angry about losing the baby! It just isn't fair! I have wanted children for as long as I can remember. That was a major issue with my first wife. She didn't bother to tell me she didn't want kids until after we were married. As time wore on and I resigned myself to not having kids then I met Sylvia. She already had a beautiful little girl but wanted to have more. After we got married we talked about it. We prayed about it. And we decided this year we'd try. Except she kept changing her mind. But then she got pregnant and I knew if I was going to have children of my own this was my last chance. I was more than ecstatic. Then to have the thing I have wanted most in my life taken away was just too much.

We're talking about trying again but I'm scared. And I'm not too sure anymore. I do want kids but I don't know if I can get past this loss soon enough. I'll be forty in just over a year and that much of an age gap is monumental. I don't think it would be fair to the kid to have a dad that's so much older and can't keep up with him or her. I wore myself out playing with my cousins for one day, what will it be like having one around full time? Emmy is a great kid. I adore her and love the time we spend together but she has a dad already. A good dad. And I don't know where I fit in the mix a lot of times. Being a step-father is tricky and after almost two years there are still times I completely feel like an unnecessary piece of the puzzle.

So much happened in such a small amount of time it has all been kinda confusing. Christmas was good. I enjoyed spending time with the family, more this year than I ever have. But there were still those moments that it would hit me. I went into the storage closet to get the presents on Christmas eve and saw the unopened baby furniture and the stuffed dog I bought for the baby. I watched Emmy open her presents and wondered if I'd ever watch my own children do the same. And I spent way too much money to try and make everyone's Christmas a little brighter. It has all wore on me and I don't know how to go on from here. I spent so much time trying to comfort others and telling friends and family that it was okay and now I'm stuck in this limbo of emotions that I'm having a hard time dealing with it. Something has got to give, soon.

One Last Call for Alcohol...

At closing time on November 30, 2012 the Beer Seller in downtown Nashville will lock its doors forever. It is hard to believe that an establishment that played such a big roll in my life for so many years will finally end its run. Ten years ago the Ardvarks ruled that place. We never paid a cover. We never waited in line. Some nights we didn't even pay our tab. We always had a good time and we were always there together. And no matter how far we roamed away from Nashville we always eventually came back to our home away from home. We saw the staff turn over like all bars do but if you ever worked there you will always be associated with the Beer Seller.

It all stared for me around 1998 or 1999. My friend Richard from high school called me one day and said the gang was going to this new bar that had opened downtown. They had gone there the weekend before and really enjoyed it so I agreed and we were off. I still remember looking at all those taps and the beer menu wondering what to order. That was the night I discovered Woodchuck Cider. But the real memories started when I started hanging out with the Ardvarks. Brodie, Toad, Bunnie, Brock and I wound up at the Beer Seller the first time we all went out together. We took over the bar before long and made instant friends with the staff, mainly because we spent a lot of money. But it was also because we changed the atmosphere once we entered the bar. After that night we knew we had a new home.

The next time we went out we discovered Thursday night 2 for 1 and Tall Paul. That was the beginning of a beautiful relationship that lasted for many years. Thursday nights were magical throughout the spring and summer of 2001. Dancing in the District was still going on at Riverfront Park at the time and everyone would pour into the place after the show. Tall Paul would crank out the tunes and the laughter never stopped. In 2003 Toad brought Santarchy to Nashville in the form of Santa Rampage. Where else would we start but the Beer Seller? Thus began the yearly gathering of Santas that we saw grow from a hand full of people to over three hundred the last year I attended in 2009.

But eventually every good thing comes to an end. Tall Paul ended his tenure with the Seller around 2005 and several other acts tried to fill the void but none came close. Also around this time a new scene had started both across the river in East Nashville as well as on the west end of town on Demonbreun St. near Vanderbilt and the college kids stopped traveling across town to drink. The number of customers fell off and things just weren't the same. I also developed a severe drinking problem around this time and I journeyed out of my house less and less over time. I have been to the Beer Seller once since I faced my addiction to play a benefit show for flood relief in May of 2010. It was a good night but bittersweet. I sat there sober and looked around the bar remembering all the "good times" I'd had there and how chasing that feeling had eventually led me to a very bad place. I left that night grateful to be alive and I remember stopping at the stairs and taking a long look at the place. I had a feeling that might be the last time I was ever in the Beer Seller. But I was wrong.

Hearing today that the Beer Seller was closing made my heart hurt. I don't miss my drinking days. I don't miss being young and knowing better but just not caring. Given the opportunity to go back and do it all over again I wouldn't. I already lived it once and it was all I hoped it would be. Looking back the Beer Seller was more than a hangout. True friendships were forged there. Brodie, Toad and I were as tight as any three brothers could be because of those nights at the Seller. The first time I hung out with Rob was at the Seller. When Toad came back from traveling the western United States he met us at the Seller on a Thursday night; fresh from the road and back home where he belonged. The night after Bristow died we all gathered at the Beer Seller and mourned. I celebrated many birthdays there and helped others do the same. The first time Brodie met his wife was at the Beer Seller. They wouldn't see each other again and start dating until a year later but it was inside those walls that they first met. And both the near perfect trivia game as well as the great collapse happened at the Seller. It was a landing spot for any time of the day, week, month or year. We hijacked bachelorette parties and tried to steal cop cars while hanging out in that one little dingy bar located at 107 Church St in downtown Nashville, underneath the Hooters. It was magical for a time. A time I plan to say goodbye to with friends and a raised glass (of water). I have many pictures from those days but by far my favorite one is of Brodie, Toad, Andy and myself in the summer of 2001. I'm sure it was a Thursday night and in my mind Tall Paul is playing "Easy" and we had all the time in the world. So goodbye to you old friend. You were instrumental in me finding me and you will be missed.

It's Only Teenage Wasteland...

This Saturday night is my high school twenty year reunion. It is hard to believe it's been that long. It seems like just last week I was sitting in my room listening to Metallica trying to perfect those speedy "gallops" on my guitar (which I never really did). These days I barely play. New interests and priorities keep me too busy to pick up my guitar. That's not to say I don't like to play it just means that I don't have as much free time these days. I'm sure this is the case for everyone from the Davidson Academy Class of 1992.

Part of going back to the reunion for me is to see everyone and who they are now. In high school we were all trying to figure out who we wanted to be (I wanted to be Dylan McKay). Who we all would become didn't happen for several more years. This is a universal thing. Every teenager thinks they know who they are but very few are even in the correct hemisphere from where they will end up. I was no exception. I thought I was going to be a rock star. Axl Rose wouldn't have anything on me once I got my time in the sun. Needless to say that didn't happen. Besides I only played music, David Chaffin was the musician in our class.

We all have that one friend whose acceptance we strive for. Chaffin was mine. He was everything I wasn't: self-confident, smart and an exceptional musician. All through high school I looked to him as an example. I didn't want to be David but I wanted be like him. And I wanted his approval above everyone else. Years later Chaffin and I would go down similar paths in our personal lives. At a time when I really needed support he reached out to me and helped me to get through a very dark place. I will always be grateful to him for that.

So here we are twenty years later. No longer are we bound by the labels we were assigned in high school. Labels like "preppie," "jock," "headbanger," and "alternative" have given way to adult, business owner and parent. We are no longer defined by the things we love but by the ones who love us. I have come to understand just how much I love the people I graduated with over the last few years. I talk to a few people on a regular basis now that I never really hung out with back then and some of my closest friends from that era have been M.I.A. for awhile. But all these years later I am reminded that we all shared time during those formative years and managed to still smile when it was all over.

High school is its own hell and we each have to figure out how to traverse the pitfalls of puberty at a time when the world seems to be both opening up to us and trying to hold us back at the same time. I would not go back and be a teenager again for all the money in the world. Anyone who thinks high school was the best years of their life has a warped sense of reality. As the ten year reunion grew closer I had mixed feelings about going. I really wanted to see everyone but I didn't know why I wanted to be seen so badly. Then a funny thing happened.

I really looked forward to the ten year reunion to show off who I had become. I wasn't a self-conscious and scared kid any longer. I was confident and self assured. I was in great shape. And most importantly I loved who I was. But in the months leading up to the reunion I started realizing that high school wasn't all bad and that most of the bad stuff that happened to me was self-inflicted. I wasn't confident enough in myself to be a part of the "in" crowd. No one held me back or gave me a hard time, I just didn't know that I was as cool as anyone was. This realization made me enjoy that night more than I would have if I had walked in to the room with a ten year old chip on my shoulder. It was a good night.

This time around I helped organize the reunion. My dad has gotten a real laugh out of that one. But I like the way I see high school now as opposed to the way I saw it then. There is no "us and them." In fact there never was. We were all trying to figure it out and as best as I can tell we have done a pretty damn good job. I look forward to seeing old friends and introducing my wife to the people who helped shape me. So here's to the Class of '92. You have always been my friend and I love you all.

Perception Rears Its Ugly Head...Again

I put this up on my facebook page this morning and of course I had several women respond negatively to my surprise at it, "...a woman not looking to be screwed over may favor the humble fellow more than a guy who looks like an arrogant douche." It is a quote from an article on cracked.com about who would have sex with you or some nonsense of the like so you know it's of quality.

Once again the perception is all wrong. The wording on that quote is odd to me. "A woman not looking to get screwed over" kinda bothers me. Who goes out looking to get screwed over? Who just expects it to happen? I have NEVER gone into a situation expecting to get hurt. I have never thought "I think I might like to get screwed over tonight." Maybe this is the difference between men and women or just people who are confident and those that aren't.

I get humility, I just don't think that it's always the way to go. I've never been a self promoter. I always figure that if I'm doing things right people will take notice. But at some point you have to stand up and say, "Look at me."

Being a douche never works out in the long run. And where is the line between being confident and being arrogant. Who determines when you've crossed said line? Am I confident? Yes. Do I cross that line from time to time? Probably. Do I ever set out to screw anyone over? No.

I don't need a lot. I never have. I don't even want a lot. And the things that I do want are things that have a significance to me personally. I've never wanted material things. Some would say that's because growing up I had everything I wanted and there's a bit of truth to that. My parents made sure that I had pretty much anything I wanted and then some. God bless them for that. Now that I'm a parent I feel the same way. I try to give Emmy everything she wants. And always will. But growing up I would have given away all the material things I had for just one thing. I wanted girls to like me.

Now, plenty of girls thought I was a good friend and even more thought I was a nice guy. But that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted girls to like me because I was attractive. I wanted them to like me because I was funny. I wanted them to like me because I was cool. And charming. And talented. And sexy. All the things I really wasn't at that age. And all the things that just wasn't who I was. Through my adolescent and teen years I was fat. I had a pretty bad case of acne and I was more obsessed with video games than talking to girls. Finally during my junior year I dropped close to fifty pounds and started feeling better about myself. Still, there was one girl in particular that tortured my soul for all those years and we were "just friends." And losing weight did nothing to change that.

Looking back on my high school years I can now see that I had more to offer than I ever knew. The problem with me (as it is with so many other kids in that age range) is that I just wasn't comfortable in my skin and lacked any self confidence whatsoever. Even though I had several girlfriends it wouldn't be until I was in my late twenties that I started feeling comfortable with myself. I suddenly realized that girls really did like me. I realized that I was attractive. My self confidence grew quickly over a small amount of time and of course that led to a bit of an ego. Being twenty-seven, single and in the best shape of your life will lead down that path. Looking back I can see where I did become a bit of a narcissus but then it all came crashing down.

About ten years ago I was going to lunch with my then boss and we were talking about life. I remember telling him that I had no intentions of living my thirties the same way I had lived my twenties. From a young age I always looked to the future as a better time. I couldn't wait to be an adult so that I would be better than I was at any given time in my youth. Unfortunately my thirties proved to be an even bigger disaster than any decade prior. I let myself go and I sank into alcoholism. As a result I got fat again. Even though I was in the middle of my first marriage I still felt very unattractive.

I have never (and still do not) think that I am the most attractive guy in the world. Granted, I'm not ugly but I think my personality carries me a lot further than my looks. My ex-wife would tell you just the opposite. My current wife might do the same.

I gained more weight than I ever had before. When I looked in the mirror I did not recognize the person looking back. I started feeling bad physically. My knee started giving me problems. Simply walking up stairs took my breath away. This was all foreign to me and more than a bit jarring. A lot of old insecurities came creeping back into my head and I spiraled. All those insecurities fueled my drinking to new levels and things spiraled even more. After my marriage fell apart I thought I'd just jump back into the dating scene and everything would be fine. Five years and almost sixty pounds had been added to the mix and I found myself in a bad state of mind. I remember a conversation with a close friend during this time and me telling him that I had lost my confidence. He sat back and looked at me like I'd just told him there wasn't a Santa Claus.

Through no trying I somehow lost a good amount of weight over the next year. I felt better physically but mentally I was still pretty down. When I finally stopped drinking and got my mind and body aligned my confidence came back. Now that I'm in my late thirties things are starting to finally look the way I always wanted them to. I remarried last year and am happier than I ever have been. As with most newly married people I have put on a little weight over the first year. I know the general consensus is once you get married there's no one to impress any longer so you let yourself go. I won't do that again. Over the last three months I've lost fifteen pounds. I feel better now. I still have about twenty more pounds to go to get back to where I would feel the most comfortable. I'm not doing this to feed my ego or to get women to notice me. The only woman I want to notice me and be attracted to me is my wife.

If I look in the mirror and don't like what I see I can't imagine my wife likes it either. If I don't feel good about myself then why would she be attracted to me? I have a bunch of clothes in my closet that used to fit me. I don't want to get rid of them because I like those clothes. They aren't very old. Most of them I've had less than two years. If I lose the weight I don't have to buy a new wardrobe. If I'm not overweight and not eating crap them my health will be better and my quality of life will be better. There are so many advantages of losing the weight and being healthier. But the perception has been that I'm doing it to feed my ego. It isn't.

This brings us back to the original point. Now that I'm staring forty in the face and I'm finally at a place in my life where I'm completely comfortable in my skin I realize that it's not about getting girls to like me. It's about having that one person who loves me. And I have her. Sometimes she doesn't understand the way my mind processes things. Sometimes she thinks that I'm a complete douche and self-centered. Sometimes I can't argue that point. But ultimately this whole weight loss thing is just me trying to feel better about the way I look. I put updates on facebook to let people know that I'm doing it. Those little victories are well worth celebrating. I'm excited that I can wear a thirty-four waist again. I'm excited that I don't see a fat old man in the mirror any longer. I'm excited that I have a jaw line again rather than a slope from my chin to my neck. What is perceived as arrogance on my part is not meant that way. I'm just excited to feel and look better.

Another Year, Another Turn Around the Sun

I haven't done a blog in over a year. Mainly this has to do with life being so full and just taking in the amazing things that have happened to me since the beginning of 2011. Planning a wedding and doing home renovations will pretty much put a hold on finding time to write. But things are good. Sylvia and I are closing in on our one year wedding anniversary and the home repairs (as slow as they have been) are coming along nicely. We have even added three new additions to our family with two dogs and a cat in that time. Life is good.

I just celebrated another birthday as well. Thirty-eight marks several milestones for me. The biggest of which is that I have a twenty year class reunion coming up in a few months. That really makes me feel old. I ran into a guy I went to school with last week. He looked old. I could tell he was kinda looking at me like, "I can't believe you're still wearing earrings." Different strokes I guess. The earring thing is still an object of slight contention with some people. A few months ago my wife looks at me and says, "When are going to take out those earrings? I mean, you're almost forty." My reply was, "At what age are you going to take yours out?" Then she gave me the standard answer of it being different for women which I think is crap. I'm saying this to take a shot at Sylvia. Believe me I've heard it from many other people over the last few years. I just don't see why a man having earrings is still such a big deal. I mean this is 2012, aren't we past all those old fashioned social norms by now? Aren't there bigger things to worry about than whether or not a man who is near forty is still rocking earrings? Admittedly at some point it gets a bit ridiculous but I don't feel like I'm there just yet. And when I get there I'll take them out. But not a second before.

Two years ago I wrote a blog about my birthday. I re-read it this morning before I started writing this blog. A lot has changed in two years. I still have some hang ups about my birthday but I've come to accept it and most other holidays (I will never get on board with Valentine's Day) as not just another day on the calender but as a celebration and a time to spend with family. The last two Christmases have been not only enjoyable but I've looked forward to spending time with the people I love. This year I was finally going to actively enjoy my birthday as well.

Last year Sylvia got a full dose of my birthday funk. She was not expecting it and I could tell it really bummed her out. So this year I made a conscious effort to try and enjoy the day. For the first time in so long I can't remember when I actually took off work on the day of my birthday. There have been a couple birthdays I didn't work but that was mainly because of lack of opportunity. When I was a drinker I usually took the day after to recover. As years wore on that recovery time could stretch for days. It wasn't pretty. Thankfully I don't put myself through that any longer.

After last year I could tell that Sylvia was a little gun shy this time around. And who could blame her. She genuinely wanted to give me a nice birthday last year and I pretty much blocked every effort she made. It's true, I can be a bit difficult some times. I'm working on it. But we did spend all day together and I really enjoyed that. She hasn't felt well for a couple weeks and we've had a few surprise financial situations arise so I knew that today was going to be low keyed and I'm fine with that. I don't need a big production. Just spending the day with her was all I needed. I did do something cool though. Last year Sylvia and Emmy got me a gift certificate from Blackbird Tattoo and I finally got around to using it. I had to do some scrambling for money to pay for all the work I had done but I got there. Such is life.

I will say that one thing has kind of bothered me and it is completely my fault. I have never had my birth date on my facebook page. I also have never gone around telling people that my birthday was coming up. Now I am reaping the fallout of this. I did put my birth date on my profile recently and because of that I did hear from some people that I normally wouldn't and I'm grateful for that. But for the most part it was a very quiet day. Very few texts or phone calls. A handful of posts on my facebook wall. No birthday cards in the mail. No cake. No presents. No party.

Like I said there are reasons for all of this. Times are tough right now for a lot of us so no presents or party is understandable. Monday was a federal holiday so the birthday cards would most likely not arrive in a timely manner anyway. The last two years I have done a fast in January and couldn't eat birthday cake and this year I'm trying to shed a few pounds as it is so cake would be counter productive. And as far as the birthday wishes go I have made it down right difficult in the past for anyone to even know it was my birthday let alone wish me a happy one. The people I did hear from are mostly the ones I expected to hear from. They are the few who either have known me long enough to have it on their calendar or would be damned that I was going to stand in the way of them brightening my day. As far as the ones I am closest to who left me alone I know why. I have hid from my birthday for so long that why would this year be any different? Why would thirty-eight be any different than thirty-seven? Or thirty-six? Or thirty-five? Or any of the other birthdays I've fought against over the last, well forever?

It wasn't always like this but it was close. I have had some great birthdays over the years. Twenty-Five through twenty-nine were mostly good. Especially if we skip twenty-seven. Thirty-five was a pretty good one up until the Jager bombs started. After that it's all kind of black. But this year was going to start a new trend for my birthday. I was going to enjoy it. I was going to embrace it. I was going to finally see what everyone else was doing right on their birthday. I guess I should have informed everyone else.