Insomniac's Dream

I don't sleep. Ok, I don't sleep like a normal person. I never have. Even when I was a baby I did not sleep through the night. At least that's what my Mom has told me, I don't really remember. But it sounds like something I would (not) do. When I was in college my insomnia got completely out of whack and I stayed awake for close to four days. I was extremely pale and lost a visible amount of weight in just four days. Plus the dark circles under the eyes and the deadening of all the senses are really good times.

If you are one of the lucky ones that does not suffer from this affliction let me try and draw you a picture. Actually the best two examples I can come up with are both movies. Fight Club and The Machinist are both excellent examples of what the world looks like after a few days of not sleeping. The only difference is that those are movies and real life is no where near as cool.

I say all of this because I cannot sleep. Looking back on the past week I can count one night where I slept more than three hours in a row, and that was actually during the day Wednesday. I can also count four days (not in a row) of no sleep what so ever. I need drugs.

Of monkeys and...well, monkeys

Monkeys are funny. If they weren't such shit throwing little bastards I might be convinced to have one of my own. But it seems that monkeys only have a certain capacity for caring about other monkeys. Scientists call this a Monkey Sphere. You can read about it here: http://www.cracked.com/article_14990_what-monkeysphere.html

This makes perfect sense to me. What that says about me is up for debate but I believe that we, as humans, can expand our range of caring better than monkeys. Having said that, I am currently trying to expand my monkey sphere. Not globally mind you. That would just be ludicrous. No dear readers, I am currently taking applications for new friends. I still love (ok, mildly like) my old friends but I believe that new friends keep you young (or at least immature).

Who am I kidding, only my old friends read this thing and my capacity to care is about as big as a snow pea. Enjoy the above article.

Roll Tide Roll!!

I have lived in Tennessee my entire life. Having said that, look closely at the shirt I am wearing in this picture. That's right, I pull for the University of Alabama Crimson Tide. The vast majority of my family and friends are University of Tennessee fans. Some because they went to school there. Some because they have family who went to school there. But mostly it's because they live in Tennessee and by God they bleed Orange! Because of this most of them cannot figure out why I pull for the Tide.

Well, I'll tell ya. Twelve National Championships, 21 SEC championships and the greatest football coach of all time, Paul "Bear" Bryant. That and they routinely kick the crap out of UT. This makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Why? Look at the picture to the right. Notice I am wearing a Vanderbilt wind breaker. My Grandfather, Father and Uncle all went o Vandy and I grew up in the stands watching them find new ways to lose games. Add on top of that all the obnoxious orange and white that holds my beloved state captive year 'round and it makes for one pissed off young sports fan. I endured many, many years of ridicule from classmates as well as people on the street for being a Vandy fan. Luckily for me I had family in Alabama who had opened my eyes to the crimson and white years earlier. So anytime a self-righteous UT fan started giving me crap for my Vandy t-shirt I would ask them when how long it had been since they beat the Tide. This coupled with insults about graduation rates and national collegiate ranking did not earn me very many new friends.

Years rolled by and I got older but my love for College Football only grew.

That's me on New Year's Day 1992. I was 17-years-old and just a few months from graduation. I remember that New Year's pretty vividly. Not for the football per se (although I do seem to remember watching UT blow a second half lead to Penn State that was funny to watch) but more for being around good friends and knowing that life was about to change. It was a good year. Plus I discovered Jenga that day. Many drunken nights trying to pull little blocks out from under other blocks followed in the years to come.

The best thing about that year was my Tide won it's twelfth National Championship in the Sugar Bowl against the hated Miami Hurricanes. I'm sure Gino Torretta probably still has nightmares about that Alabama defensive line.

For the next seven years Alabama's fortune wained and it got down right ugly in the mid-90's with recruiting violations and losing several games in a row to hated rivals. But things have turned around since Nick Saban came to Tuscaloosa and this year looks to be a big step toward a return to the top of the polls. It should be an interesting Fall. Roll Tide, Roll!!

We Don't Need No Education

This has been a doubly fun day for academics...sorta. Not only was I a captive audience here at the golf course for two older gentlemen and their ranting about how to make sure children do well in school, but then I stumbled across this today: http://chronicle.com/jobs/news/2008/08/2008080101c.htm

The old men at the golf course were railing on and on about "you have to make kids do homework" and "back in my day...." I just can't stomach much "back in my day..." posturing. Actually, I've never been able to tolerate that saying. "Your" day is gone and one has to wonder why things have changed so much if they were so good back then. I do believe that our education system coddles students too much but we don't need a return to corporal punishment and only studying the "classics." Those works do have their place in academia but to ignore any work of art created after 1900 is just lazy and elitist.

Speaking of elitist, William Pannapacker holds the party line tighter than Joseph Stalin in the above link. In my opinion the leading cause of classroom apathy is educators who believe themselves to be so superior to their classroom that they will not make an effort to help every student or refuse to embrace new technologies under the guise of real education coming from books with pages not from computers and iPods. They should ask the print media how that attitude has nearly sunk that formerly golden industry. Ultimately I cannot stand to be talked down to because I don't have an interest in War & Peace and neither does your average student.

Now, I am one who believes that education is an untapped commodity for most people (especially considering that public school is FREE). Granted if you had asked me when I was in high school I would have told you that most of what they taught us was a waste of time (and I still maintain that opinion about certain parts of it). But my attitude changed once I got to college and started getting a better look at what was being taught rather than just being expected to memorize and recite boring "facts." Plus I realized how little students are learning in twelve years of free education. I cannot tell you how many times I heard the phrase "well, we never had to learn that" in a college classroom.

Of course I also heard the phrase "I won't need any of this because I'm gonna be a famous _____." I have yet to see anyone who uttered that phrase on a red carpet.
That attitude seems to dominate our culture to the point that kids these days (I know, I'm getting old) think that they are going to be famous and therefore do not need an education. Well good luck not being hammered on pop culture blogs or The Soup for not knowing how to form a complete, coherent sentence. And yes, Math is something you are going to need in order to count your millions. Actually don't learn Math. That way it will be more entertaining for the rest of us when you file for bankruptcy after your accountant skips the country with all your money. But I digress.

What I'm getting at is that education is something that can never hurt you. Should everyone go to college? No. It's not for everyone. I know people who never set foot in a college classroom and have gone on to great success in their lives. In some cases life experience is a greater educator than a classroom. And judging by how little high school graduates really know (I went back to school a few years ago and found this out first hand) I believe it is time to upend the education system and start over. I agree that people should have a basic knowledge of language, math and the galaxy, but advanced Algebra and Chemistry should be available to students planning to be engineering majors and not forced on uninterested art students.

Ultimately education falls squarely on the students themselves. I never learned anything I didn't want to learn. Sure I memorised facts and figures to my short term memory (usually right before the test) but never thought about them again and so they escaped from my brain. Does this make me less educated than other people? In some areas, sure. But in other areas of emphasis I know more than that person. It all evens out eventually. Besides I didn't need to know Algebra, I was going to be a famous rock star.

Should've Been A Cowboy

That's me, I'm guessing about 4 or 5 years old. I do know this is at Christmas time and it's at my Grandparent's house. That woman over my left shoulder is my aunt Cynthia. Of all my family I'm probably the most like her. And if things had been a little different she might have been my mother. But that's a story for a different day (and not as weird as it sounds).

Little boys go through many, many phases in their lives and each little boy has his own unique "when I grow up I wanna be a ____." But all little boys at some point in their lives go through two distinct phases: firemen and cowboys. I REALLY wanted to be a cowboy when I was a kid. To this day my favorite sports team is the Dallas Cowboys. When I was a kid my favorite song was "Rhinestone Cowboy" (on a side note, there is a picture somewhere of me wearing that hat, holding a plastic blue guitar and singing "Rhinestone Cowboy." If I find it I'll post it as well) Are you starting to see a trend?

Anyway, I remember that hat and holster. They were some of my favorite things when I was a kid. I wore the hat and holster until it didn't fit me anymore and I had that metal cap gun until it rusted because I left it out in the rain. A few years ago I went through all my old toys and either sold them on ebay or threw them away. I seem to remember the hat going to the dump. I don't remember what happened to the holster. I do know that the white plastic bullets broke mysteriously about six months after the Christmas pictured above and were thrown away.

One thing that stuck in my head was the day John Wayne died. I have a very vivid memory of that night. My aunt Cynthia and uncle John were at the house and us kids were playing in front of the tv. The adults were playing Rook in the dinning room. It was June of 1979. In the middle of whatever re-run was on the tv a public service tape rolled across the bottom of the screen anouncing that John Wayne had died of cancer. The whole house fell silent for a few moments. The only other times I have ever seen television interupted to announce a celebrity death was Elvis and Frank Sinatra. John Wayne was a man's man and in my house he was held in the highest reguard (on par with Elvis but just below Jesus). To this day if AMC of TCM are showing a John Wayne western marathon you cannot move me from in front of the television.

I guess with most things in life you either grow out of them or grow apart from them. I never really grew out of the cowboy phase. When I was in high school the movie Young Guns came out and once it hit video I watched it every day for about six months. And I mean EVERY day. I could quote that movie from beginning to end. Then in 1993 Toby Keith released the song "Should've Been A Cowboy" and even though I was not a huge fan of country music at the time I did love that song. Especially since my Dallas Cowboys were on a run of winning back to back Super Bowls. How 'bout them Cowboys!!

You're probably looking at the picture above and asking yourself "what's so embarrassing about it?" Well here is where the shame comes in:

Yep, that's me and my Dad in Gatlinburg, 1995. I should've known better. But hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Nothing good ever follows that phrase.

But still, from time to time I break out my hat, (granted it's more Nikki Sixx than Roy Rogers these days), turn on the cowboy songs ("Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys," "El Paso," "Pancho and Lefty," and "Rhinestone Cowboy" are favorites and get many plays on my iPod) and think about what it could have been like. Then I remember that I like modern technology way too much. But still men never grow out of being a little boy and this little boy should've been a cowboy.

Tonight, Tonight

Yes, as I sit here drinking Michelob Honey Lager I am reminded of days (and nights) from the Summer of 1998. I had just graduated from college and I discovered this sweet nectar of the gods when I was browsing the beer aisle at the grocery store. Honey Lager was the only beer I drank that Summer. Whether it was sitting on the front porch or hanging out at Loco Lupe's, Honey Lager was my companion.

As time went on we grew apart and it was many years until I again purchased my friend from days gone by. But tonight while I was at the grocery store I happened to look up and see it sitting there in the cooler. To top it off, it was on sale. Sometimes revisiting old friends and loves can be a great thing. I believe I might hold on to this friendship for a while longer.

Family Pictures

A while back I got this idea to go through my parent's picture albums and pull some of the embarrassing pics to post and comment on. Well, I did scan a few pictures and believe me they are pretty embarrassing. So now I am going to start posting and commenting on them here. I'm sure I will never regret this decision.

Parents love to take these pictures for some reason. The bare skin baby pic is always good times when you're a teenager and make the mistake of bringing a girl home to meet the parents. I'm not sure what is encoded in parental DNA that makes them think dragging out the family photo album is a good idea whenever company comes over, but showing photos like these to a new girlfriend borders on child abuse. Of course after looking through the family photo album this one was the least of my worries. I'm just glad the parents had a small amount of restraint.

Looking at myself lying there naked with a confused look on my face reminds me of the first I had sex. I believe the expression was the same. Actually, I think that might be the same expression I get every time I have sex. It's nice to know somethings never change.

Bad News

Here is a list of phrases you never want to hear (trust me):

"It's not you, it's me"

"Could you step into my office"

"We need to talk"

"I love you, but..."

"This is for the best"

"The test results just came back"

"One day you're gonna look back on this and laugh"

"Will you accept a collect call from..."

"This is just a formality"

"You have the right to remain silent"

"I just need a little time to figure out some things"

"Could you step out of your car?"

"This will only hurt for a moment"

"Let's be friends"

A Crisis-less Crisis of Faith

It's true. I never thought that questioning my faith would be so easy or happen so quietly but it has happened and I don't have any answers for it. So I have been looking back over my life and trying to figure out where it happened. The only thing I have been able to come up with is that I was never a big believer to begin with. From the time I was a child I just wanted to sleep in on Sunday mornings or watch tv on Sunday and Wednesday nights. Church was something that I was made to attend. Until I was a teenager and we switched churches I really never cared to go. Of course the only reason I wanted to go then was because there were new girls to make my life miserable. Good times.

On the opposite side of this I do believe that most religions have a good foundation of values and morals. I also believe that most religions have a good philosophy for living life at their core. I just fail to see how one can be better than another. I do still believe that there is a creator. I could never believe that everything just happened one day. I suspicion that deep down most scientists see how ridiculous the Big Bang Theory really is. That's just what's going on in my head right now.

On a similar note, I am glad that I was not raised a Scientologist. I think this sums up that mess of a "religion":

"Chewbacca defeated Xenu with the ruby of Cyttorak, but his thetan will reform in the tentacled spawn of Tom Cruise to kill the Smurfs if it's the last thing it does. Captain Kirk has to fight it, and Voltron is all PCHU-PCHU!"

Choices

Sometimes it takes something completely ordinary to happen to you before you realize how stupid you are. And sometimes those ordinary things aren't ordinary for normal people. And sometimes the reason those things have become ordinary in your life is because you have just accepted that they are supposed to be that way.

I am here to say that I'm tired of my ordinary mess of a life. And more importantly I am tired of my life being a mess because I wallow in my emotions and drown them in alcohol. And furthermore, I am tired of letting petty little people ruin my mood. Ultimately I control how I feel about things. I can let outside forces ruin my day or I can not put myself in situations where those outside forces and I will come into contact. So basically I'm saying that I will not be hanging out in certain establishments any longer. Nor will I be attending certain events. And finally I will not be talking to certain people anymore. I think this will allow me to calm my hurt and anger to a point that will no longer make me want to wallow.

It was fun for a while but the love has passed.