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My life is in turmoil.

This isn't as bad as it sounds upon first reading but it is in turmoil and has been for close to a year now. The only difference between now and this time last year is that I can no longer pretend like nothing is wrong. Shortly after the first of the year it all started crashing down and it has continued in a downward spiral ever since. The crap thing about all this is that it hasn't been a quick desent. From January 1st until today things have slowly fallen down around me. But when ever something would crash it has taken time for me to realize it crashed. All of a sudden I would turn around and there it was, lying on the ground in pieces.

The worst things about all this hasn't been what you'd think. Sure, getting divorced for anyone else would be the worst thing to happen to them, but for me it was a long time coming and I was numb to it by the time it did happened. For me it has been the loss of enjoyment in all things that I love in my life. Not only have I lost enjoyment in the things I love but I've lost interest in those things as well. Even things that I never thought I'd lose interest in (music and sex come to mind) have become so mundane to me that I can't really remember what I used to love about these things. Weird, I know. Add on top of all this these strange little "attacks" I've been having and life has been less fun than in years past.

When I say "attacks" what I mean is that I have been frequently struck with sudden rushes of adrenaline that send my system into chaos. I have been up since 4 o'clock this morning because of one of these. I sat straight up in the bed out of a deep sleep, in a hot sweat (even though it was cold in my bedroom), with my heart racing a thousand miles an hour. It took close to two hours before I calmed down. I'm still not completely back down to normal as of writing this. The frequency of these "attacks" have increased since I had my first one close to a year ago. There is no rhyme or reason to them. They just happen.

As I originally stated, my life is in turmoil. I've always been up for change in my life but so much has happened in such a small amount of time that I am beginning to fear change. Because it seems that if things change much more I may not be able to cope anymore. Ominous I know but true.

Dogwood Hills

It's kinda fun working at a golf course. I never thought I would like getting up at 5 in the morning to drive 45 minutes and sit on my ass for 12 hours. Then driving 45 minutes back home just to grab a bite to eat and hit the bed to start it all over again. But I do like it. Life's funny that way.

Autumn Days

This time of year my head starts to spin a bit. There's something about the days growing shorter and the weather getting cooler that lights my senses on fire. It all just feels right. I've been this way all my life and I look forward to it every year.

When I was a kid this time of year always meant back to school. Outwardly I hated going back to school but inside I wanted to see all my friends and get back in the classroom. Granted I didn't want to go back to school to learn, I just wanted the social interaction. That didn't change once college rolled around. In fact it got worse. There is something about being on a college campus in the Fall that is electric. Maybe it's the football games. Maybe it's the feeling of being young. Maybe it's the parties. The funny thing is that even now that I am well beyond the school years it still feels like back to school to me. I wonder if that will ever change?

The two great things about Fall is football season and Halloween. I won't get into either of these in detail this time but in the future I will talk about both. So, as the leaves change and "jacket season" approaches, think back on Autumns past and the possibilities and dreams that changed your life. Think about college and new loves and a changing world that welcomes those young, fresh minds into academia. And think about the fun that fills the air on a chilly October night. I'm going to love the next few moths.

The First Cut

It may not be the deepest but everyone remembers the first one. In this case I'm talking about blogs. I have had an ongoing blog over at Myspace for several years now but since that once relevant site is on a downward slide, and since everyone insists that "it sucks", I have decided to branch out to this small corner of the Internet.

As I stated earlier (see first line) I really don't have anything that is more important or enlightening to say than any other asshole who starts one of these things but having a place to call my own is nice. So, for those who have joined me from Myspace (I have come here because of the podcast http://www.cinegeek.com/) or just happened upon this randomly, I say welcome and don't expect much. After all I am a slacker.