One Moment In Time

Whitney Houston was at the top of her game in 1988. And to top all of that off she had a song on the 1988 Seoul, Korea Olympics soundtrack. It was a spectacular song. “One Moment In Time” spoke to all who aspired to be more than they could be. It was all about achieving that thing you had aspired to for so long. That song spoke to me, and still speaks to me. But not in that Olympic destiny way Whitney had set out to capture. No, it was a few months later, as the World Series began.

I was still awake after 11:00 pm central time for game one of the 1988 World Series. As both teams were from the West coast (The Los Angeles Dodgers were playing the Oakland Athletics) the game was running late by East coast standards. Game one had been close all the way trough the ninth inning. The A’s had a one run lead heading into the bottom of the ninth. A's closer, Dennis Eckersley retired two batters with little effort and a hobbled Kirk Gibson came to the plate as a pinch hitter after Eckersley walked Mike Davis.

Down one run with the tying run on first Gibson limped to the plate. Gibson’s knees had been a point of contention for the entire game. Could he deliver now that everything was on the line? I lay on the couch watching what happened next. I really hadn’t cared about baseball since I quit playing two years earlier. Although I had dreamed at one time to be in Kirk Gibson’s shoes I really didn’t care prior to this moment. But at the moment Gibson came to the plate I became a Dodgers fan. Not because I cared about the Dodgers but because my father sat down on the chair next to me and said, “This is every little boy’s dream. Too bad he’s almost as old as I am and his knees are shot.”

At that moment I looked at my father and saw a lifetime of unfulfilled achievements in his eyes. Little did I know at the time how close our family was to bankruptcy. As we both watched Gibson at the bat the air became very tense in the room. Gibson went down 0-2 in the count early and I expected the worst. I looked at my father. The look of despair on his face was more than I had ever seen. Gibson made it to a full count of 3-2. Eckersley looked to win the game. Then Davis stole second. It looked as though the A’s would walk Gibson, but they chose to take Gibson down for the count. On the seventh pitch of his at bat Kirk Gibson took a backdoor slider over the right-field fence for the game winning home run. Then he began his painful run around the bases.



In my 14 year-old world this was the greatest thing I had ever seen. I looked at my father. All he could say was, “look at him, he can barely make it around the bases.” I could see the tears welling up in his eyes. He nodded his head and walked out of the room. I watched Kirk Gibson cross home plate and tried to imagine what it must feel like. Gibson never went to bat again in that 1988 series but the Dodgers still won in five games. NBC was carrying the series that year and as the credits for the series played I remember seeing highlights of Gibson’s homerun and Tommy LaSorda storming the field at the end of game five as “One Moment In Time” played.

I will always associate that ’88 series with that song; as well as the fact that my Father and I did not watch another game together for many years. But we did watch the last at bat of game one together and for a moment in time a total stranger inspired us both to believe in miracles. For me it was a little boy’s dream come true and for him it was the inspiration to never give up, no matter how old you are.

The Prettiest Girl at the Ball

Last night was a lot of fun. It felt good to be on stage again. I can tell the guys are wanting to play some more and so am I. I forgot how addicting this rock star thing is. Luckily for me I have put all my bad habits behind me so this time the "party" won't get in the way. I saw many friends last night, some whom I have not seen in a long time. Thank you all for coming out.

This was our set list from the show:

Paparazzi
From Out of Nowhere
Where is My Mind?
Finest Worksong
Limelight
Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me
Ziggy Stardust
Anything, Anything
Jessie's Girl
Believe In Me
Radiation Vibe
Bastards of Young
Sick Of Myself
Everlong

I will have some pics and video up on here and youtube ASAP but so far this is my favorite pic:



Very Envy Adams!!

My "Fast" Life Days 22-30, The Conclusion

These last few days have been interesting. I've been planning my "exit strategy" for a little over a week now and still don't have a clear cut plan. I do know that I am not putting red meat back into my diet. I went six years without it and I survived just fine. It was around the time that I started up again that I started getting fat. I think there might be a connection. Sweets have never been a big problem so me so I'm not worried about them.

The funny thing that has happened since Sunday is my mind has kept telling me I'm close enough to the end that it will be okay to have the bad stuff. I sat in the movie theater for two hours that day fighting the urge to get popcorn. And there have been other things as well but I fought all the urges and made it to the end.

One thing I have heard from friends and family for the last thirty days has been, "I couldn't do that." I used to think like that myself. As time wore on when someone would say that I started editing the phrase in my head to "I don't have the willpower to do that," or "I don't want to do that." Ultimately that's what it comes down to. Anyone could do a thirty day fast if they wanted to but most of us don't. The words can't and won't are too easily mistaken these days.

So way back when I started I decided to do this fast I said I was going to go to Waffle House at 12:01 on February 19th. Well, I did and this was my reward for thirty days of discipline:



That was the best chocolate chip waffle I have ever had in my life. I think I'm gonna be sick now...

Something Old, Something Blue, Again...

This is another blog from the Myspace days. I've always been kinda proud of this one because it is meant to be read along with the song "She Will Be Loved" and is just long enough to end at the same time. It may take you a couple times but you'll get there.

It's Not Always Rainbows and Butterflies

Act III begins with a snap back to reality....

"I don't mind spending every day out on your corner in the pouring rain"

I still remember doing those sorts of things to try and win the girl I was longing for. There were a lot of girls over the years. Some were worth it, I think. Some could have been worth the time but I got sidetracked by another. Some just blew me off and made the most impression. I can name every girl I ever longed for but did not win over. I don't even know the first names of several girls I've slept with. It’s funny what sticks with you. But those girls that rejected me taught me a lot.

I learned that just being friends is the cruelest fate for any would be suitor. It never fails that she comes to you for advice with the new guy. What's worse is when the guy comes to you and wants to know what to do to impress her.

I learned that when you finally succumb to loneliness and start to date someone who's less than you want, your 'friend' will get pissy with you because you're not devoting enough time to her worship. Then she'll start to try and get your attention. The kick in the nuts in this situation is that you'll fool yourself into thinking that she actually wants you. So, you'll dump your sure thing (the girl who it would be wise to stay with because she actually likes you) and run head long into your object of affection who neglected to tell you she was seeing someone else.

I learned that no matter how hard you try and forget her, every song on the radio reminds you of her. Every movie you see will give you false hope that one day she'll come to her senses and realize that you are the only one she wants. Every sappy love poem you write will be a ticking time bomb of future embarrassment that lies in wait to fall into the wrong hands.

I learned that years later when you see her she'll still captivate you like you never thought she would.

I learned that once you give up and move on to a new object of affection, everything that has happened up to that point will sabotage any happiness that you may have had with the new girl.

I learned that after years of rejection you'll not be able to recognize when someone is actually interested in you. This leads to a lot of immature turns in the road to happiness. A lot of stupid things will be said and done. A lot of feelings will get hurt. And a lot of inadequacies will rear their ugly heads.

I learned that when you get older and finally move past so many rejections and embarrassments, you'll look back and wonder where all the energy and passion that you reserved for those futile campaigns went. How can you devote so much time and attention to chasing after something that you'll never get, but now are willing to let your desires flee into the sunset without even the slightest chase?

Here's what it all comes down to. In the song "She Will Be Loved" after the bridge, it feels like the song is going to go into another verse, the singer does a turn around. He only sings the first line of the second verse ("Tap on my window, knock on my door. I want to make you feel beautiful") and then there is a pause, and they go straight into a revved up chorus. That pause right before the song kicks back in is where every person who ever longed for someone lives.

It’s perfectly wedged between where you (as the wannabe love interest) are and where you long to be. That simple restatement of all you ask ("Tap on my window, knock on my door...") and what you long to do ("...I want to make you feel beautiful") builds to a climax. Then there is the dramatic pause to build the anticipation. As the chorus booms every second of teenage angst, love, lust, longing, crying at sappy movies, sing-a-longs to sugary love ballads by artists you'll one day be ashamed to admit you secretly liked and years of waiting for her to realize that no one could love her like you could, culminates in a passionate embrace that threatens to collapse the stars and tear the very fabric of reality.

Sadly most of us never get to come back in with the booming chorus that allows you to express your love for each other. That's why the victims of unrequited love will forever be stuck in that dramatic pause waiting to finally win the girl and live happily ever after. Sorry Ducky, maybe in the sequel. After her second marriage collapses and she needs someone to raise her two kids (one by each father, and the reason she got married both times). Then, you'll look pretty damn good.

Something Old, Something Blue...

I wrote this blog three years ago when I was on Myspace. Before I deleted my account I saved several of the blogs for future projects. This story will go in my book one day. It was originally in two parts but I've put it together here. When I wrote this it had been ten years since it happened and I was still dealing with where it all went wrong. Three years later I have a better idea of what was going on but it still doesn't explain everything. Hope you enjoy.

February 14, 1997

(This blog falls under the category: I could have handled my end of things a little better)

I hate Valentines Day. My girlfriend knew this. All my friends knew this. My family knew this. Hell even the people I worked with knew this. Holidays hadn't been very festive for me in a long time and this year didn't look to be any different. So no one was surprised when I volunteered to work on Valentine's Day. No one except my girlfriend. Surprisingly there was no fight. She never gave me a bit of grief. Well, not out loud. There was the occasional passive-aggressive reminder that she was in a dinner theater production on Valentine's Day. The problem came that I had volunteered to work Valentine's Day before she was cast in the play and there wasn't anyone else to work my shift as all the other employees had already made plans with their significant others. So I was the asshole. And maybe I was. But that did nothing to change my situation. I was stuck.

Since I was really doing my best to dig my own grave I decided I needed to do some very thoughtful gifting. A couple days before Valentine's Day I went on a "please forgive me for being such an idiot" shopping spree. I knew that I didn't have to get her a lot but that what I got her needed to mean a lot. And I found it. I won't go into the details of the gift because it really wouldn't mean anything to any one reading this but it was perfect, I thought.

I had to go into work that day and I showed my gift to the two girls I worked with. They both freaked out like girls do when they see something sweet. Bree was working with me on Valentine's Day because her fiancé was chaperoning a church Valentine's banquet. She asked me if I would like to leave a little early that night so I could surprise my girlfriend. I said yes before she changed her mind. This was going to be a great Valentine's Day because I found the perfect gift and I was going to surprise her. I called a friend of mine who was in the play and had him reserve me a ticket. I actually wound up buying two tickets to buy his silence. But it was going to be worth it.

As Valentine's Day arrived I noticed the temperature dropping through the phone line every time I spoke to my girlfriend. With her at play rehearsal and me working we did not get a chance to be in the same room for about a week prior to Valentine's. But even so I figured all would be forgiven when she received my gift and I sprung my surprise. I arranged for her to stop by my work before she went to the play so I could give her my gift. I felt the chill in the air the moment her car pulled into the parking lot. This was already not going well. Bree looked at me and winked in encouragement. My girlfriend walked through the door with a sour look on her face. Did I mention this was already not going well?

She walked behind the counter, barely making eye contact, and gave me a half-assed hug. I reached under the counter and pulled out her gift. Her eyes brightened a little. She started to unwrap the gift but really liked the paper and didn't want to tear it. Girls. She asked me if I had an x-acto knife so she could cut the tape. I worked in a hobby store of course there was a knife, somewhere. As I looked for a cutting utensil I heard a voice from the other side of the counter. "You need some help with that?"I turned to see a guy that Bree was ringing up staring at my girlfriend with a big grin on his face. He reached in his pocket and pulled out a knife. He stretched his hand across the counter right in front of me like I wasn't standing there. She looked up at him and in a slightly warmer voice than I'd heard for the past week and said, "No thanks, I've got it taken care." She grabbed the knife from my hand and proceeded with her cuts. He laughed and walked toward the door. Never once did he acknowledge my presence but kept an eye on her as he left the store. Bree and I looked at each other with confusion.

She, the girlfriend, removed the wrapping and opened the box. This was the moment I was waiting for. She was going to love it and I was going to be somewhat out of the doghouse. She removed the item from the box and her face lit up for a brief moment. As she turned to look at me her facial expression returned to a hard stare. "Thank you, it's nice," she said in a cold voice and put the item back into the box. I did not know what to say. I stood there in shock. Things had just downgraded from not going well to completely in the shitter.

She gathered up her gift and card and said she needed to get going. She gave me another half hug and started for the door. She stopped after a couple of steps and turned around. "I almost forgot," she said and reached into her purse. She pulled out a card and gave it to me. I opened it while she stood there impatiently. After I read the impersonal message inside I looked back at her. She said, "Happy V-Day. I need to get going. Gallatin is a long drive." And with that she was gone. I looked at Bree. Her expression was pure shock. "What the hell is her problem?" she blurted out. I couldn't speak at this point. Bree continued, "Look, if I had been your girlfriend and you had given me that gift I would have been all over you. Hypothetically speaking of course." I just looked at her for a second then said, "Thanks, hypothetically speaking."

I could not wrap my head around what just happened. I could not figure out what I did that was so wrong. We stood there silent for a few moments then Bree asked, "Are you still going to leave early to surprise her?"

"What else can do?" I replied.

I left work around 6:30 pm. It would take me about half an hour to get to the restaurant and dinner wasn't set to begin until 7:30 pm. I would have plenty of time for my surprise before curtain. My girlfriend was expecting to see me afterward as a mutual friend was throwing a party in the area. The whole way to Gallatin I couldn't get what happened at the store out of my head. It was just bizarre. Hopefully the rest of the night would be better.

I pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant and gathered my thoughts for a moment. I wondered how she would react. There was only one way to find out. I walked into the restaurant and paused to find her in the crowd. Just as my eyes found her she looked up. Her expression said, "What the hell are you doing here?" Not quite the response I was hoping for. She quickly worked up a smile and moved my way. I actually received a full hug this time. A few happy moments passed before she had to get ready for the play. Things were looking up.

After the play was over we met up outside the restaurant. It was a short drive to Chris' apartment and I followed her over. We soon arrived at the party and I waited for her outside the door. She was doing something in her car and after a few moments she exited into the night. She once again expressed how surprised she was to see me. We exchanged some small talk on the way in. After a few minutes she went upstairs to change clothes. I sat and chatted with a few friends. A few more people arrived and the alcohol was soon flowing. I was still attending AA meetings so I was not drinking. My girlfriend re-joined the party and immediately she was asked if she would like a drink. She accepted then looked at me. "What?" she asked. "I know you don't drink but I've had a bad week and I am drinking tonight."

I sat there stunned for a moment. I had never once given her a hard time about drinking. But this night it seemed that just looking at her was an indictment on her actions. The mood had just gone from tolerable to frigid. For about an hour we circled each other without saying much. I kept wondering why all the hostility was surfacing today. Of all days, why on this one? She had wanted a nice Valentine's Day and I was trying to give her one; at least as good of one as I could given the circumstances. My mood really started to swing.

As things wore on I was approached by a friend and asked if I would like a shot. I hadn't had a drink of alcohol in over two months and it had been fairly easy so far. Suddenly I wanted that shot more than anything in the world. I accepted. No sooner had I drank the whiskey she appeared with an upset look on her face. My friend quickly made his exit. We stood there silent. Finally she asked me if I was okay. I was puzzled. Apparently my face showed this and she asked if I was ok with the drink. I shrugged and told her I was fine. She stood there and looked at me for another moment then turned back to the party.

As she walked away I got to thinking about if I was okay. I knew I wasn't okay. I knew we weren't okay. That was the pink elephant in the room. Things had been deteriorating for a while now. This day was just a symptom of a much bigger, extremely complicated problem. I needed help; professional help. But that personal help wasn't going to do anything for this relationship. We were going to have to sort that out together. The more I thought about this, the worse I felt. I sat down next to the stereo and thought about everything. The cd choice really wasn't helping things. I was beginning to sink further into myself and block out everyone else. I was creating a huge canyon between myself and everyone else and I didn't care.

As I was sinking across the room her pager went off (this was 1997). It was a friend of hers. She went to the phone and dialed the number. Conveniently the phone was in close proximity to where I was sitting. This is what I heard: "Hey, what's up? You're house sitting? Where? I don't know. I'm supposed to stay here tonight with Alan. Well let me see what I can do. I'll call you back."

She hung up the phone and returned from the kitchen into the main room. Chris asked her what was up. She told him about the house sitting gig and that she was seriously considering it. He asked about me. She told him that she wasn't having a very good time tonight and that she just wanted to get away. I was two feet away from them for the entire conversation. She never once commented on how I might feel.

About this time another friend of mine found me tucked away in the corner. The look of concern on her face was more than a lot. "Are you okay?" she asked. I just shook my head and closed my eyes. Jen put her hand on mine and told me it would be okay. I started to have a panic attack. Jen sat there with me while I tried to regain my composure. She asked me if I wanted a glass of water. I managed to say yes and she went to the kitchen. A few minutes passed. When she returned my girlfriend was with her. Jen handed me the water, gave the girlfriend a dirty look and walked away.

"It'll be okay," she said with a disconnected tone in her voice. I really just wanted to be left alone at this point. It was hard enough being in a room full of people and not being able to control my emotions. But to have the person I cared about the most sitting next to me but being anywhere else was too much. I stood up and made my way straight to the bathroom. I locked the door behind me and looked in the mirror for a few moments. I splashed water on my face and took a deep breath. I stayed in there until I calmed down enough to face her. I made a hard decision before I opened the door. She was standing in the hallway when I walked out. I looked at her and said, "I'm leaving."

"What?" she said in a surprised voice. I grabbed my jacket from off the coat hanger in the hallway and made for the door. She was right behind me as I walked into the night. She grabbed my arm before I reached my car. "What the hell is going on Alan? Why are you leaving?" she asked. "Should I stick around and watch you leave instead?" I fired back. She took a step back. She apparently didn't know I heard the phone conversation. "I only told her I might go," she replied defensively.

"'Might' is close enough to a yes for me," I said and turned to my vehicle. "What's wrong?" she screamed. "What's wrong with you? I just need to know." As I opened the car door I looked at her through the night air and said," I wish I knew." I closed the door and started the car. As I drove off I looked in the rear view mirror. She was still standing in the front yard watching me drive away. A few minutes later the clock struck midnight and Valentine's Day was over. It was a perfect end to a perfect day.

The Soundtrack To Your Life You Don't Remember part 2

The second entry in my "Soundtrack" series is about Blessid Union of Souls



Blessid Union of Souls burst onto the scene in 1995 with their debut album Home which featured the Top 10 hit single "I Believe" and also garnered two top 20 singles "Oh, Virginia" and "Let Me Be The One." Their second album in 1997 had two more top twenty 20 hits with "Light In Your Eyes" and "I Wanna Be There." Their final Top 40 single was in 1999 with "Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me)." Although "Hey Leonardo" didn't chart as high as previous efforts it was a staple on Top 40 radio and became a fan favorite.

Here are the songs mentioned above:

The Soundtrack To Your Life You Don't Remember part 1

This series of blogs will highlight artists that had hit songs we all know but never really made it into the pop culture lexicon. The first band is Lifehouse.



Lifehouse is probably best known for their 2001 hit single "Hanging By A Moment" but they've had a string of hits over the last nine years. "Breathing" was also released off their debut album No Name Face and had moderate chart success. From their second album they had a modern rock hit with "Spin" and their third album simply titled Lifehouse spawned the hit single "You and Me." You've no dobt heard this song in countless television shows and movies as well as weddings.

But probably the most recent and recognizable songs were both featured in commercials. "First Time" was featured in a Dodge commercial



and "From Where You Are" was written for and used in an Allstate commercial aimed at teen drivers.




The song "Whatever It Takes" also received heavy airplay on modern rock radio around this time. Lifehouse has had a very memorable career to date you just didn't know they were part of the soundtrack to your life. Here are the songs listed above:

My "Fast" Life Days 12-21

I know I haven't done a "fast life" post in a while but it's been pretty boring. As I only have nine days left I'm making plans to come off of this thing and get back to normal. I have learned I love foods I never thought I would and that I really don't need or want certain foods that I have overate in the past. I'm well within striking distance of my target weight (or my "single weight" as I like to call it). What has been nice with all this is that the combination of the fast and being in the gym has reduced more fat than weight and I'm feeling a lot better about the way I look.

I didn't start this fast as a weight loss program. Quite honestly I'm still not 100% sure why I'm doing it but it has been a exercise is self restraint. In the past I would have never been able to make it through. With everything I've been through in the last few months I've found that I have the will and determination to do anything. I may be growing as a person. How the hell did that happen?

Don't forget, my band is playing on February 19th!!

I Can't Catch A Break

Well, my car repairs are gonna cost about $150 more than I was quoted. And on top of it all I have some other issues that are gonna have to be resolved in the near future. Still better than having a car payment I guess. It seems that every time I start to get ahead just a little something like this happens and I'm back to square one. I really need to find a better job and finally get ahead enough to have some breathing room. Enough complaining for one day.

On a positive note I have crossed the half way point in my fast. I'm starting to lose my cravings for the bad stuff although the sugar thing still pops up from time to time. I believe I'm done with red meat again. I went six years without eating red meat and I got fat right around the time I started back up with it again. Plus, red meat always makes me a little sick.

Don't forget about this:

It was the Best Day and the Worst Day...

Sunday started off as a great day. I have an upcoming show and for the first time in almost seven years I had all four original members of my band in one room. We jammed for close to four hours and worked on getting our set down. Things went really well and I left Ronnie's house with a sense of accomplishment and new excitement for the 19th. Nothing could bring me down. Until I went to meet a friend in East Nashville.

I pulled into the parking lot of the East library and took a parking place. Since I was only going to be at Red Door for a few minutes I thought I'd park on the street instead so I put it into reverse...and nothing happened. The clutch on my car needs to be double pumped sometimes for it to go into reverse so I tried again and I felt a pop. The stick felt like it was in neutral and it wouldn't go into gear. The linkage cable had broken. I spent most of Monday waiting for a tow truck because of the high number of weather related calls. It's going to cost me $300 to fix. Guess I won't be buying that new guitar amp I've had my eye on.