September 30, 2009
September 29, 2009
Happy Halloween
When I was a kid I loved Halloween. Hell, I still love Halloween. It is my favorite holiday and I look forward to it every year. So as the days count down to this year's Halloween celebration I give you this enjoy:
September 28, 2009
What More Can I Do?
I am very frustrated right now. I am frustrated with my job. I am frustrated with my financial situation. I am frustrated with my health and wellness. I am frustrated with some of my relationships. But mostly I am frustrated with myself because I have a tendency to psych myself out of achieving the things I want. Too many times I sabotage myself by thinking "I'm just not good enough." I know that I have a big personality and come off as cock-sure and cavalier, but I really do have my own issues that cause me to self destruct. Something has got to give soon. I just need one good thing to happen in my life. I don't think that is too much to ask.
September 18, 2009
Ardvark Dreamin'
So I have this group of friends, whom I love, who call themselves the Ardvarks. We came together almost ten years ago. There were many of us who were not in a good place in our lives when we became friends. There were some of us who were in long standing relationships. It just all came together at that time in our lives. I could write a book about those early days of the Ardvarks (we are well aware of the misspelling), and maybe some day I will. But it was all about the friendship.
We really hit our stride somewhere in our late 20s. Some of us were divorced. Some of us were trying not to get married. We were in love with pop culture, and we were in love with life. We took in people who needed us. We took in people whom we needed in order to not become that jaded. There were tears. There was laughter. There were nights of magic and there were nights of sheer pain. I almost died one night in a bad car wreck that was both alcohol and drug induced. But through it all we stuck together.
I have some of the best memories of my life because of all night poker games at the Sanctuary South. We all lived together, some of us literally, but every night was a party. We lived hard and we loved even harder. I changed a lot during those years. It all got started in September of 2000 and came crashing down in late 2003. In the end some of us married, and some of us got divorced shortly thereafter. But it was a great ride that I hate had to end. I miss those days, probably more than any others, and I wish I could go back. But sooner or later we all grow up. Even if we don't want to.
We really hit our stride somewhere in our late 20s. Some of us were divorced. Some of us were trying not to get married. We were in love with pop culture, and we were in love with life. We took in people who needed us. We took in people whom we needed in order to not become that jaded. There were tears. There was laughter. There were nights of magic and there were nights of sheer pain. I almost died one night in a bad car wreck that was both alcohol and drug induced. But through it all we stuck together.
I have some of the best memories of my life because of all night poker games at the Sanctuary South. We all lived together, some of us literally, but every night was a party. We lived hard and we loved even harder. I changed a lot during those years. It all got started in September of 2000 and came crashing down in late 2003. In the end some of us married, and some of us got divorced shortly thereafter. But it was a great ride that I hate had to end. I miss those days, probably more than any others, and I wish I could go back. But sooner or later we all grow up. Even if we don't want to.
September 15, 2009
Fork This
Sometimes it's funny how life works out. I've been trying for a long time to figure out a few things in my life. Namely, why I can't seem to maintain a stable relationship. Yes, I'm taking blame for reoccurring problems across all my past relationships. Let's face it, I'm the only constant in all these situations. It's always easier to look at other people's problems and be able to recognize where their issues arise. Not so much in your own life.
The analogy of the fork in the road is very popular. And general convention seems to think that there are only two choices at said fork. I'm here to tell you that there are three choices: right, left or back. I seem to be standing at that fork, weighing my options and not getting a clear picture of anything. But of course, as I usually do, I'm testing the dirt on all three paths; taking a few steps down one path then backtracking and taking a few steps a different way. I've been doing this for most of my adult life and it hasn't worked out for me thus far. It's time to make some changes and it's time to take responsibility.
The analogy of the fork in the road is very popular. And general convention seems to think that there are only two choices at said fork. I'm here to tell you that there are three choices: right, left or back. I seem to be standing at that fork, weighing my options and not getting a clear picture of anything. But of course, as I usually do, I'm testing the dirt on all three paths; taking a few steps down one path then backtracking and taking a few steps a different way. I've been doing this for most of my adult life and it hasn't worked out for me thus far. It's time to make some changes and it's time to take responsibility.
September 7, 2009
Danny Boy
A friend of mine died a few weeks ago. It's been a very long time since I lost someone who meant so much to me. But it wasn't just me, he meant a lot to a lot of people. In the days that followed his death his friends gathered and we mourned. It wasn't just to mourn, it was to remember. And we all have great memories or Kris Bristow.
After the initial shock of that night I handled the situation the best way I knew how and proceeded to drink and cry for three days. (Hey, don't judge me!) But by the end of the funeral "after party" I felt better. I felt like everything was going to be alright. And it is. I miss him terribly and going to Dragon*Con this weekend made me realize just how much. Bristow and I had known each other for about a year and a half the first time I went to Dragon*Con and he let me crash on the floor in the hotel room he was staying in. That weekend cemented our friendship. It was also the weekend he collapsed at the parade and led to him finding out he was sick.
So going back to Dragon*Con this weekend was very bittersweet. Several times this weekend I stopped and had to take a second look because I thought I had seen him walking by. His friends organized a memorial service for this year's convention and many, many people showed up to pay respects. I walked into the room with the misguided notion that I had done my grieving and was there for support and comfort. I was so very wrong. Just moments after the service began I was overcome with emotion. Strong, uncontrollable emotion. One by one his friends rose and told stories about Kris. Some were funny. Some were sentimental. And one man's a cappella rendition of "Danny Boy" brought the entire room to tears. But all were told with love and admiration.
Weeks before, as we were all leaving Mulligan's Pub, a toast was raised and we all sipped our pints for Bristow. Since that night a quote from the television show Firefly has been stuck in my head. I couldn't keep my composure long enough on Sunday night to say what I went there to say. And I'm not going to lie and say it has been easy writing these words. I've had to stop many times to wipe away the tears. But this has been inside of me since that night. So this is for you Bristow:
"When you can't run, you crawl...and when you can't crawl, you find someone to carry you."
That line has been running through my head for weeks. If you have friends then you know there is always someone there to carry you, and Bristow had more friends than anyone I have ever known. The first year I came to Dragon*Con I roomed with Kris and on that Sunday night I pulled the brilliant maneuver of staying out drinking until 7 am. When I got back to the room I immediately vomited up everything still in my system and passed out on the floor. Later that morning when everyone was packing up Kris made a point to get me into a bed and make sure that I was comfortable. He brought me water and Tylenol. He even called me later that night to make sure I made it home safely. This was just two days after he had collapsed at the parade and pretty much had to stay in bed the rest of the weekend. But that was Kris. Even when he was at the point of needing to be carried himself, he was always offering to carry you. Kris Bristow was my friend, he was all our friend. He was loved and he is greatly missed. And this world is without one of the best people I have ever known.
After the initial shock of that night I handled the situation the best way I knew how and proceeded to drink and cry for three days. (Hey, don't judge me!) But by the end of the funeral "after party" I felt better. I felt like everything was going to be alright. And it is. I miss him terribly and going to Dragon*Con this weekend made me realize just how much. Bristow and I had known each other for about a year and a half the first time I went to Dragon*Con and he let me crash on the floor in the hotel room he was staying in. That weekend cemented our friendship. It was also the weekend he collapsed at the parade and led to him finding out he was sick.
So going back to Dragon*Con this weekend was very bittersweet. Several times this weekend I stopped and had to take a second look because I thought I had seen him walking by. His friends organized a memorial service for this year's convention and many, many people showed up to pay respects. I walked into the room with the misguided notion that I had done my grieving and was there for support and comfort. I was so very wrong. Just moments after the service began I was overcome with emotion. Strong, uncontrollable emotion. One by one his friends rose and told stories about Kris. Some were funny. Some were sentimental. And one man's a cappella rendition of "Danny Boy" brought the entire room to tears. But all were told with love and admiration.
Weeks before, as we were all leaving Mulligan's Pub, a toast was raised and we all sipped our pints for Bristow. Since that night a quote from the television show Firefly has been stuck in my head. I couldn't keep my composure long enough on Sunday night to say what I went there to say. And I'm not going to lie and say it has been easy writing these words. I've had to stop many times to wipe away the tears. But this has been inside of me since that night. So this is for you Bristow:
"When you can't run, you crawl...and when you can't crawl, you find someone to carry you."
That line has been running through my head for weeks. If you have friends then you know there is always someone there to carry you, and Bristow had more friends than anyone I have ever known. The first year I came to Dragon*Con I roomed with Kris and on that Sunday night I pulled the brilliant maneuver of staying out drinking until 7 am. When I got back to the room I immediately vomited up everything still in my system and passed out on the floor. Later that morning when everyone was packing up Kris made a point to get me into a bed and make sure that I was comfortable. He brought me water and Tylenol. He even called me later that night to make sure I made it home safely. This was just two days after he had collapsed at the parade and pretty much had to stay in bed the rest of the weekend. But that was Kris. Even when he was at the point of needing to be carried himself, he was always offering to carry you. Kris Bristow was my friend, he was all our friend. He was loved and he is greatly missed. And this world is without one of the best people I have ever known.
September 4, 2009
A Very Familiar Feeling
It's been a while.
That statement has great resonance in my life right now. Lots of things have changed recently and some old issues have resurfaced. A few years ago I realized my professional life was in crisis. Now my personal life is following suit. This is where I would usually just take the path of least resistance but I think it's time to not do what I've always done. This fall is going to be interesting.
On another note, it seems I can't do things like I used to. I'm finding that I am starting to identify with country music more than rock. I need to find my inner Axl Rose again.
That statement has great resonance in my life right now. Lots of things have changed recently and some old issues have resurfaced. A few years ago I realized my professional life was in crisis. Now my personal life is following suit. This is where I would usually just take the path of least resistance but I think it's time to not do what I've always done. This fall is going to be interesting.
On another note, it seems I can't do things like I used to. I'm finding that I am starting to identify with country music more than rock. I need to find my inner Axl Rose again.
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