Perception Rears Its Ugly Head...Again

I put this up on my facebook page this morning and of course I had several women respond negatively to my surprise at it, "...a woman not looking to be screwed over may favor the humble fellow more than a guy who looks like an arrogant douche." It is a quote from an article on cracked.com about who would have sex with you or some nonsense of the like so you know it's of quality.

Once again the perception is all wrong. The wording on that quote is odd to me. "A woman not looking to get screwed over" kinda bothers me. Who goes out looking to get screwed over? Who just expects it to happen? I have NEVER gone into a situation expecting to get hurt. I have never thought "I think I might like to get screwed over tonight." Maybe this is the difference between men and women or just people who are confident and those that aren't.

I get humility, I just don't think that it's always the way to go. I've never been a self promoter. I always figure that if I'm doing things right people will take notice. But at some point you have to stand up and say, "Look at me."

Being a douche never works out in the long run. And where is the line between being confident and being arrogant. Who determines when you've crossed said line? Am I confident? Yes. Do I cross that line from time to time? Probably. Do I ever set out to screw anyone over? No.

I don't need a lot. I never have. I don't even want a lot. And the things that I do want are things that have a significance to me personally. I've never wanted material things. Some would say that's because growing up I had everything I wanted and there's a bit of truth to that. My parents made sure that I had pretty much anything I wanted and then some. God bless them for that. Now that I'm a parent I feel the same way. I try to give Emmy everything she wants. And always will. But growing up I would have given away all the material things I had for just one thing. I wanted girls to like me.

Now, plenty of girls thought I was a good friend and even more thought I was a nice guy. But that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted girls to like me because I was attractive. I wanted them to like me because I was funny. I wanted them to like me because I was cool. And charming. And talented. And sexy. All the things I really wasn't at that age. And all the things that just wasn't who I was. Through my adolescent and teen years I was fat. I had a pretty bad case of acne and I was more obsessed with video games than talking to girls. Finally during my junior year I dropped close to fifty pounds and started feeling better about myself. Still, there was one girl in particular that tortured my soul for all those years and we were "just friends." And losing weight did nothing to change that.

Looking back on my high school years I can now see that I had more to offer than I ever knew. The problem with me (as it is with so many other kids in that age range) is that I just wasn't comfortable in my skin and lacked any self confidence whatsoever. Even though I had several girlfriends it wouldn't be until I was in my late twenties that I started feeling comfortable with myself. I suddenly realized that girls really did like me. I realized that I was attractive. My self confidence grew quickly over a small amount of time and of course that led to a bit of an ego. Being twenty-seven, single and in the best shape of your life will lead down that path. Looking back I can see where I did become a bit of a narcissus but then it all came crashing down.

About ten years ago I was going to lunch with my then boss and we were talking about life. I remember telling him that I had no intentions of living my thirties the same way I had lived my twenties. From a young age I always looked to the future as a better time. I couldn't wait to be an adult so that I would be better than I was at any given time in my youth. Unfortunately my thirties proved to be an even bigger disaster than any decade prior. I let myself go and I sank into alcoholism. As a result I got fat again. Even though I was in the middle of my first marriage I still felt very unattractive.

I have never (and still do not) think that I am the most attractive guy in the world. Granted, I'm not ugly but I think my personality carries me a lot further than my looks. My ex-wife would tell you just the opposite. My current wife might do the same.

I gained more weight than I ever had before. When I looked in the mirror I did not recognize the person looking back. I started feeling bad physically. My knee started giving me problems. Simply walking up stairs took my breath away. This was all foreign to me and more than a bit jarring. A lot of old insecurities came creeping back into my head and I spiraled. All those insecurities fueled my drinking to new levels and things spiraled even more. After my marriage fell apart I thought I'd just jump back into the dating scene and everything would be fine. Five years and almost sixty pounds had been added to the mix and I found myself in a bad state of mind. I remember a conversation with a close friend during this time and me telling him that I had lost my confidence. He sat back and looked at me like I'd just told him there wasn't a Santa Claus.

Through no trying I somehow lost a good amount of weight over the next year. I felt better physically but mentally I was still pretty down. When I finally stopped drinking and got my mind and body aligned my confidence came back. Now that I'm in my late thirties things are starting to finally look the way I always wanted them to. I remarried last year and am happier than I ever have been. As with most newly married people I have put on a little weight over the first year. I know the general consensus is once you get married there's no one to impress any longer so you let yourself go. I won't do that again. Over the last three months I've lost fifteen pounds. I feel better now. I still have about twenty more pounds to go to get back to where I would feel the most comfortable. I'm not doing this to feed my ego or to get women to notice me. The only woman I want to notice me and be attracted to me is my wife.

If I look in the mirror and don't like what I see I can't imagine my wife likes it either. If I don't feel good about myself then why would she be attracted to me? I have a bunch of clothes in my closet that used to fit me. I don't want to get rid of them because I like those clothes. They aren't very old. Most of them I've had less than two years. If I lose the weight I don't have to buy a new wardrobe. If I'm not overweight and not eating crap them my health will be better and my quality of life will be better. There are so many advantages of losing the weight and being healthier. But the perception has been that I'm doing it to feed my ego. It isn't.

This brings us back to the original point. Now that I'm staring forty in the face and I'm finally at a place in my life where I'm completely comfortable in my skin I realize that it's not about getting girls to like me. It's about having that one person who loves me. And I have her. Sometimes she doesn't understand the way my mind processes things. Sometimes she thinks that I'm a complete douche and self-centered. Sometimes I can't argue that point. But ultimately this whole weight loss thing is just me trying to feel better about the way I look. I put updates on facebook to let people know that I'm doing it. Those little victories are well worth celebrating. I'm excited that I can wear a thirty-four waist again. I'm excited that I don't see a fat old man in the mirror any longer. I'm excited that I have a jaw line again rather than a slope from my chin to my neck. What is perceived as arrogance on my part is not meant that way. I'm just excited to feel and look better.

Another Year, Another Turn Around the Sun

I haven't done a blog in over a year. Mainly this has to do with life being so full and just taking in the amazing things that have happened to me since the beginning of 2011. Planning a wedding and doing home renovations will pretty much put a hold on finding time to write. But things are good. Sylvia and I are closing in on our one year wedding anniversary and the home repairs (as slow as they have been) are coming along nicely. We have even added three new additions to our family with two dogs and a cat in that time. Life is good.

I just celebrated another birthday as well. Thirty-eight marks several milestones for me. The biggest of which is that I have a twenty year class reunion coming up in a few months. That really makes me feel old. I ran into a guy I went to school with last week. He looked old. I could tell he was kinda looking at me like, "I can't believe you're still wearing earrings." Different strokes I guess. The earring thing is still an object of slight contention with some people. A few months ago my wife looks at me and says, "When are going to take out those earrings? I mean, you're almost forty." My reply was, "At what age are you going to take yours out?" Then she gave me the standard answer of it being different for women which I think is crap. I'm saying this to take a shot at Sylvia. Believe me I've heard it from many other people over the last few years. I just don't see why a man having earrings is still such a big deal. I mean this is 2012, aren't we past all those old fashioned social norms by now? Aren't there bigger things to worry about than whether or not a man who is near forty is still rocking earrings? Admittedly at some point it gets a bit ridiculous but I don't feel like I'm there just yet. And when I get there I'll take them out. But not a second before.

Two years ago I wrote a blog about my birthday. I re-read it this morning before I started writing this blog. A lot has changed in two years. I still have some hang ups about my birthday but I've come to accept it and most other holidays (I will never get on board with Valentine's Day) as not just another day on the calender but as a celebration and a time to spend with family. The last two Christmases have been not only enjoyable but I've looked forward to spending time with the people I love. This year I was finally going to actively enjoy my birthday as well.

Last year Sylvia got a full dose of my birthday funk. She was not expecting it and I could tell it really bummed her out. So this year I made a conscious effort to try and enjoy the day. For the first time in so long I can't remember when I actually took off work on the day of my birthday. There have been a couple birthdays I didn't work but that was mainly because of lack of opportunity. When I was a drinker I usually took the day after to recover. As years wore on that recovery time could stretch for days. It wasn't pretty. Thankfully I don't put myself through that any longer.

After last year I could tell that Sylvia was a little gun shy this time around. And who could blame her. She genuinely wanted to give me a nice birthday last year and I pretty much blocked every effort she made. It's true, I can be a bit difficult some times. I'm working on it. But we did spend all day together and I really enjoyed that. She hasn't felt well for a couple weeks and we've had a few surprise financial situations arise so I knew that today was going to be low keyed and I'm fine with that. I don't need a big production. Just spending the day with her was all I needed. I did do something cool though. Last year Sylvia and Emmy got me a gift certificate from Blackbird Tattoo and I finally got around to using it. I had to do some scrambling for money to pay for all the work I had done but I got there. Such is life.

I will say that one thing has kind of bothered me and it is completely my fault. I have never had my birth date on my facebook page. I also have never gone around telling people that my birthday was coming up. Now I am reaping the fallout of this. I did put my birth date on my profile recently and because of that I did hear from some people that I normally wouldn't and I'm grateful for that. But for the most part it was a very quiet day. Very few texts or phone calls. A handful of posts on my facebook wall. No birthday cards in the mail. No cake. No presents. No party.

Like I said there are reasons for all of this. Times are tough right now for a lot of us so no presents or party is understandable. Monday was a federal holiday so the birthday cards would most likely not arrive in a timely manner anyway. The last two years I have done a fast in January and couldn't eat birthday cake and this year I'm trying to shed a few pounds as it is so cake would be counter productive. And as far as the birthday wishes go I have made it down right difficult in the past for anyone to even know it was my birthday let alone wish me a happy one. The people I did hear from are mostly the ones I expected to hear from. They are the few who either have known me long enough to have it on their calendar or would be damned that I was going to stand in the way of them brightening my day. As far as the ones I am closest to who left me alone I know why. I have hid from my birthday for so long that why would this year be any different? Why would thirty-eight be any different than thirty-seven? Or thirty-six? Or thirty-five? Or any of the other birthdays I've fought against over the last, well forever?

It wasn't always like this but it was close. I have had some great birthdays over the years. Twenty-Five through twenty-nine were mostly good. Especially if we skip twenty-seven. Thirty-five was a pretty good one up until the Jager bombs started. After that it's all kind of black. But this year was going to start a new trend for my birthday. I was going to enjoy it. I was going to embrace it. I was going to finally see what everyone else was doing right on their birthday. I guess I should have informed everyone else.