Once again the perception is all wrong. The wording on that quote is odd to me. "A woman not looking to get screwed over" kinda bothers me. Who goes out looking to get screwed over? Who just expects it to happen? I have NEVER gone into a situation expecting to get hurt. I have never thought "I think I might like to get screwed over tonight." Maybe this is the difference between men and women or just people who are confident and those that aren't.
I get humility, I just don't think that it's always the way to go. I've never been a self promoter. I always figure that if I'm doing things right people will take notice. But at some point you have to stand up and say, "Look at me."
Being a douche never works out in the long run. And where is the line between being confident and being arrogant. Who determines when you've crossed said line? Am I confident? Yes. Do I cross that line from time to time? Probably. Do I ever set out to screw anyone over? No.
I don't need a lot. I never have. I don't even want a lot. And the things that I do want are things that have a significance to me personally. I've never wanted material things. Some would say that's because growing up I had everything I wanted and there's a bit of truth to that. My parents made sure that I had pretty much anything I wanted and then some. God bless them for that. Now that I'm a parent I feel the same way. I try to give Emmy everything she wants. And always will. But growing up I would have given away all the material things I had for just one thing. I wanted girls to like me.
Now, plenty of girls thought I was a good friend and even more thought I was a nice guy. But that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted girls to like me because I was attractive. I wanted them to like me because I was funny. I wanted them to like me because I was cool. And charming. And talented. And sexy. All the things I really wasn't at that age. And all the things that just wasn't who I was. Through my adolescent and teen years I was fat. I had a pretty bad case of acne and I was more obsessed with video games than talking to girls. Finally during my junior year I dropped close to fifty pounds and started feeling better about myself. Still, there was one girl in particular that tortured my soul for all those years and we were "just friends." And losing weight did nothing to change that.
Looking back on my high school years I can now see that I had more to offer than I ever knew. The problem with me (as it is with so many other kids in that age range) is that I just wasn't comfortable in my skin and lacked any self confidence whatsoever. Even though I had several girlfriends it wouldn't be until I was in my late twenties that I started feeling comfortable with myself. I suddenly realized that girls really did like me. I realized that I was attractive. My self confidence grew quickly over a small amount of time and of course that led to a bit of an ego. Being twenty-seven, single and in the best shape of your life will lead down that path. Looking back I can see where I did become a bit of a narcissus but then it all came crashing down.
About ten years ago I was going to lunch with my then boss and we were talking about life. I remember telling him that I had no intentions of living my thirties the same way I had lived my twenties. From a young age I always looked to the future as a better time. I couldn't wait to be an adult so that I would be better than I was at any given time in my youth. Unfortunately my thirties proved to be an even bigger disaster than any decade prior. I let myself go and I sank into alcoholism. As a result I got fat again. Even though I was in the middle of my first marriage I still felt very unattractive.
I gained more weight than I ever had before. When I looked in the mirror I did not recognize the person looking back. I started feeling bad physically. My knee started giving me problems. Simply walking up stairs took my breath away. This was all foreign to me and more than a bit jarring. A lot of old insecurities came creeping back into my head and I spiraled. All those insecurities fueled my drinking to new levels and things spiraled even more. After my marriage fell apart I thought I'd just jump back into the dating scene and everything would be fine. Five years and almost sixty pounds had been added to the mix and I found myself in a bad state of mind. I remember a conversation with a close friend during this time and me telling him that I had lost my confidence. He sat back and looked at me like I'd just told him there wasn't a Santa Claus.
Through no trying I somehow lost a good amount of weight over the next year. I felt better physically but mentally I was still pretty down. When I finally stopped drinking and got my mind and body aligned my confidence came back. Now that I'm in my late thirties things are starting to finally look the way I always wanted them to. I remarried last year and am happier than I ever have been. As with most newly married people I have put on a little weight over the first year. I know the general consensus is once you get married there's no one to impress any longer so you let yourself go. I won't do that again. Over the last three months I've lost fifteen pounds. I feel better now. I still have about twenty more pounds to go to get back to where I would feel the most comfortable. I'm not doing this to feed my ego or to get women to notice me. The only woman I want to notice me and be attracted to me is my wife.
If I look in the mirror and don't like what I see I can't imagine my wife likes it either. If I don't feel good about myself then why would she be attracted to me? I have a bunch of clothes in my closet that used to fit me. I don't want to get rid of them because I like those clothes. They aren't very old. Most of them I've had less than two years. If I lose the weight I don't have to buy a new wardrobe. If I'm not overweight and not eating crap them my health will be better and my quality of life will be better. There are so many advantages of losing the weight and being healthier. But the perception has been that I'm doing it to feed my ego. It isn't.
This brings us back to the original point. Now that I'm staring forty in the face and I'm finally at a place in my life where I'm completely comfortable in my skin I realize that it's not about getting girls to like me. It's about having that one person who loves me. And I have her. Sometimes she doesn't understand the way my mind processes things. Sometimes she thinks that I'm a complete douche and self-centered. Sometimes I can't argue that point. But ultimately this whole weight loss thing is just me trying to feel better about the way I look. I put updates on facebook to let people know that I'm doing it. Those little victories are well worth celebrating. I'm excited that I can wear a thirty-four waist again. I'm excited that I don't see a fat old man in the mirror any longer. I'm excited that I have a jaw line again rather than a slope from my chin to my neck. What is perceived as arrogance on my part is not meant that way. I'm just excited to feel and look better.
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