My Heroes Have Always Been...

Last Tuesday evening I played an Auggie Stardust show for the Love Hope Strength charity. On that same bill were many very talented musical acts. Among them were The Beat Officers, Tommy Ache and the Terrible Mistakes and the tremendously hansom Chip Greene. But the one that I was most excited to share a stage with was Tommy Womack. I have been a huge fan of his for damn near 20 years now. His work with Government Cheese, Bis-quits, Daddy and his own solo material are all stellar, humorous and very thought provoking. But his most influential work for me is his classic book The Cheese Chronicles: The True Story of a Rock n Roll Band You've Never Heard Of.

I read this book when I was in my early twenties and it made me want to play music more than anything else. Over the years I have read it multiple times and given it as a gift for Christmas, birthdays and graduations. Tommy has a gift for writing and his way of telling a story draws you in and makes you feel like you were there. Tuesday evening I brought my copy of the Cheese Chronicles with me for Mr. Womack to sign. It's always a real pleasure to meet the people you admire and they aren't assholes. I had a surreal moment when he first walked into the backstage area and I was standing at the counter with a mirror in one hand applying my eyeshadow. Everyone should have the opportunity to talk to one of their idols and tell them how much they've influenced your work while trying to make yourself up to look like the opposite sex.

I did get him to sign my book and he seemed genuinely pleased to know that he influenced someone to dress in drag and sing Miley Cyrus songs. To be honest I would be proud of that myself. Anyway here is what he wrote in my book:

"Auggie, God bless you in everything you. It's a pleasure to meet you. Tommy"

It was a good night.

Mixed Nuts part 2

Work is about to kill me. I like being the boss but I hate being "the boss." I have put in way too many hours already this week with no end in sight. I originally was going to take off two days this week but as it stands I'm not even getting one. That makes three weeks straight. I have had two legitimate days off since I started with the company. Things have got to slow down or I'm not going to make it. I can feel the fatigue setting in daily.

I was at Guitar Center the other night and I looked around the room. I noticed that roughly 40% of the guys in there were with a female companion. And all of the females were very attractive. In all honesty we all got into playing music in order to get chicks. I can say that I have NEVER gotten a chick because I play music. Quite honestly it has been a long time since I have gotten any interest from someone because of music. It leads me to wonder if I'm fooling myself with my abilities. Granted, I have no designs on making it in music any longer. I gave up on that dream a long time ago but I do still enjoy performing. And I think that's what it comes down to: I'm a performer not a musician. Style over substance and all that jazz. I said all that to say this, I'm a failure at being a rock star and picking up chicks. Since I no longer have the chops for sex and rock n roll I guess it's time to go back to drugs.

This is what I perceive a recent conversation went something like (all names are changes because I don't want to get bitched at anymore):

Person A: What do you think of (******)?

Person #2: (******)? (******) is awesome. I love him more than anything. Why?

A: I don't know. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. We've hung out and had a good time but there's something...I don't know.

#2: Are you talking about dating him? Oh, HELL NO!! That would be the worst thing you could ever do!!

A: Why is that? You just said you love him more than anything.

#2: I do but your signs don't match up. And in the grand scheme of things if your totally made up, vague and  prejudice star signs are incompatible then there's no way that you could ever have a relationship built on trust, understanding and love. You'd just be setting yourself up for failure.

A: Yeah, you're right. What do you think about (****)?

#2: Oh, he's perfect for you!! He's a Taurus. You two would have a totally drama free and trustworthy relationship because of the facts of your signs.

A: I'm so glad we had this talk. Let's have another drink and talk some more about how smart we are!!

The List...

I guess there comes a time when you have to make a list of what you are looking for in a relationship. After thinking for a few minutes this is what I came up with:

I am not a person who likes being lied to. Everyone says this but I take it very personally and have a habit of holding a grudge in this respect. I want the truth every time even if it's not pretty. Once you have broken my trust I will NEVER believe you completely again. And this is me being honest up front.

Don't try and manipulate me. I have seen the best and anything you throw at me will ensure that you will be dealing with an extremely angry person. I will not be held hostage emotionally.

If you take the time to get dressed up and look your best I do not want to hear about how bad you think you look. If you feel that bad about your looks then why did you spend all that time getting ready? I will compliment you freely and often but I will not be baited into doing such things.

I don't play jealousy games. If you think I don't care because some guy was hitting on you and I didn't say anything then we have a problem. I am secure enough with myself to know who you are leaving with. So if you meet someone else that's fine, obviously we weren't meant to be. At the same time do not get upset when  the opposite is true. I get a lot of attention from women but I'm coming home to you. Find your security in that.

When I've had a bad day do not pester me about what's wrong. I will talk to you when I feel like talking. I usually need a little while to work it all out in my head before I want to talk. The worst thing you can do is to keep nagging me to talk. This will only make me angry and I may redirect my frustration in your direction. I will talk to you, eventually.

I cannot stress how much I hate women who can't deal with my past. And I'm not just talking about my sexual history. Look, I had a life before I met you. A fairly long and detailed life. Don't get upset when things from the past come up and you feel left out because you  aren't in those stories. We all have a past, deal with it.

We don't have to agree on everything. That would just be boring. But know that if I disagree with something you say I'm going to challenge how well you know what you're talking about. It's what I do and I'm maddeningly good at it. I cannot stand conjecture. By the way, if you don't have a clue what conjecture is, then we have a problem as well.


I am not a mean person but I come off that way sometimes. I have a strange sense of humor and in a small way I emulate a sitcom in my daily life. So when I say something that is a little off kilter in my head I hear a laugh track. It's one of my quirks. My point of reference will more than likely be just outside of yours. It's okay, we'll cross paths eventually.

Do not have a chemical dependency of any kind. It's no secret that I stayed drunk for a fairly large chunk of my life and I'm not worried about relapsing because you drink. What I can't stand is someone who can't deal with reality and chemical dependency is all about running from what's bothering you. Drugs (especially marijuana) are for kids who think they're smarter than the room. If you're over 25 and still toking up you need to take a look at your life. As far as alcohol, it's expensive and makes people act like idiots. I'm not a fan.

And speaking of expensive, if you like to spend money frivolously just keep on spending far away from me. I am not a hippie but I don't need much and I want even less. Material items will just weigh you down and  cause unnecessary stress. Please have your finances under control. I'm not a bank and I'm not a loan officer so don't treat me like one.

And finally, I don't need a lot from sex. I've been around the block a few times and I've tried a lot but ultimately I like it simple. For someone who has a reputation for being a perv I'm pretty vanilla with my likes. Truth be told, the older I get the less sex really matters to me.

I guess I've really covered what I don't want in a relationship more than what I want. I'll be back with more at a later date.

Where It All Began...

"When I was in kindergarten I fell in love. Her name was Alison. She had blond hair and blue eyes and she was the cutest girl in in our class. I pulled out all the stops. For weeks I made her little gifts in art class and gave her my deserts at lunch. She would smile and say thank you. This made me happy. Then one day when we were going out to recess and I looked around for her. There, on the swings sat Alison and next to her was my friend Frank. They were holding hands. My heart sank. But who could blame her? Frank was the most popular boy in our class. He was the best kick ball player and could outrun anyone in a race. All the girls liked him. Especially Alison. My heart was broken.

As time went on I came to terms with the reality that I was not an object of desire for the love of my five year old life. Eventually I did find someone for me. Her name was Monique and she was cute but not as cute as Alison. Neither was she as thin. Don't get me wrong, she was cute enough for the average little boy but not for me. I still wanted what I felt I deserved dammit! But all this got me was ridicule from both Alison and all the other kids in my class. Monique was not happy and she dumped me. I crawled inside a shell and never truly recovered. This episode which happened at a very early age set the pace for the rest of my life with women. At the age of five I learned that I was not good enough for the girl I loved."

A few years ago I was at a friend's house and she asked me to tell her a story about my life that she had never heard. I told the story above and she sat in stunned silence for a few moments. Finally she told me that that story answered so many questions about me. I guess it's true. Eventually I am going to write the book about my troubled love life. I've had the title for years: True Confessions of a Second Rate Sex Symbol. I have many, many more stories that follow a similar path to that story from my early life. Who knows, maybe I'll find the answers I'm looking for in that tome.

Love Hope Strength

I feel so much better now!! I had band practice tonight and playing loud music really does wonders for the soul. Very cleansing and cathartic. For those who do not know, I am playing a show on August 24th at Mercy Lounge in Nashville. It's a free show and it is for a great cause. Love Hope Strength is an organization that provides support for cancer centers. You can read their mission statement here. If you are in the area and would like get involved or just show your support please come out to the show. For more info on the show check out the facebook page. I hope to see you all o the 24th!!

I'm In Love With My Sadness...

So, if you follow me on facebook you'll notice that I have ranted all day. Believe me, this was a far better use of my time than the alternative. Ultimately what it comes down to is I got the "I'm sorry" text today. This set me off like you wouldn't believe. Ladies, if you want to stop seeing someone just fade away. You're not doing anyone a favor by trying to be nice about it. If you just disappear I at least get the satisfaction of thinking you're a bitch. And telling someone they're a good person does nothing. Really? I'm a good person? Just not good enough for you, right?

A year ago I would have just let it go and stewed in my own emotional and alcoholic cocktail until I had convinced myself I was okay. Not anymore. But, if I've learned anything in my years on this earth it's that when things go wrong it's usually a good idea to look at yourself first. I've been trying to figure out what exactly I've been doing wrong. In my last post I pretty much mapped out the minefield that has been my love life for the past two years. I've made a lot of changes in my life over the last nine months and acting like a grown up hasn't brought me any closer finding anyone. Hell, even my friends who are emotionally damaged beyond repair have someone in their life that they don't mind being seen in public with. So I've put together this short resume of sorts so you can tell me what I'm doing wrong. Here's what I've come up with:

At the very least I have a job, a car and a place to live. On the next level I'm funny and charming. I can cook. I like chick flicks. I listen. I want to know how you feel about things. I can intelligently carry on a conversation with anyone. I read actual books. I can use more than monosyllabic words. I keep up with what's going on in the world. I'm great with kids. I can admit when I'm wrong. I don't smoke or drink or do drugs. I won't sleep around on you. I don't have any psycho exes that will beat the crap out of your car with a baseball bat. I'm not passive/aggressive, I'll tell you what's bothering me. I'm genuinely a nice guy, and if that's not enough I can flip to asshole without missing a beat. And on a purely superficial level I'm hot and I'm great in bed.

So you tell me, what am I doing wrong? Am I too honest? Am I too secure with myself? Too confident? Do I scare you? Am I too good to be true? Too hot? Too smart? Too smartassed? Or is it just you?

Let's Do The Run Down...

Two years ago my marriage of almost 5 years ended. My ex-wife has now been in a relationship for well over a year. Good for her.

1.) I became involved with a woman who enabled my every self-destructive urge. We were not dating. She met someone else and I decided I wanted to date her. Three months later there was a bitter break-up. She then started dating the guy she really wanted to be with in the first place. They are still together...this week.

2.) I started seeing someone whom I had been interested in for some time. Things were fine for a while then nothing. She decided she didn't want to be tied down (figuratively) to just one person. Unless she needed something. For close to ten months now we've had plans to "get together soon."

3.) The girl I was madly in love with in my twenties made a return to my life around the same time that girl #2 started coming around. She swore up and down that we were meant to be together and that she wasn't going to give up until that happened. Then she started dating one of my friends. They broke up. She is currently involved with someone else. Go figure.

4.) In the mean time I met two different girls that I really liked. But both of them were already taken. Timing is everything, I guess.

5.) When I started cleaning up my life someone reached out to me and we became close. I can now say that I was starting to fall for her. Then her object of affection became available and she started spending every waking moment with him. I've barely seen or spoken to her since. I'm glad they're happy.

6.) Next came an old friend. I really didn't want to get involved with her because we are such good friends but I gave in. That was going pretty well until I realized her kids were freaking me out quite a bit. Last time I talked to her she had designs on a new guy.

7.) And that brings us to now. A new girl and a new problem. Well, not really new. It seems she's become more interested in a friend of mine than she is in me. Good for her. I hope they have lots of babies together.

Being single is a minefield filled with pretty faces and hurt feelings. The funny thing is that the two girls on this list I liked the most are the two that found someone else right at the time we stared getting close. I guess I'm the one to hang out with if you want to find your next boyfriend. Lucky me!!