Something Old, Something Blue...

I wrote this blog three years ago when I was on Myspace. Before I deleted my account I saved several of the blogs for future projects. This story will go in my book one day. It was originally in two parts but I've put it together here. When I wrote this it had been ten years since it happened and I was still dealing with where it all went wrong. Three years later I have a better idea of what was going on but it still doesn't explain everything. Hope you enjoy.

February 14, 1997

(This blog falls under the category: I could have handled my end of things a little better)

I hate Valentines Day. My girlfriend knew this. All my friends knew this. My family knew this. Hell even the people I worked with knew this. Holidays hadn't been very festive for me in a long time and this year didn't look to be any different. So no one was surprised when I volunteered to work on Valentine's Day. No one except my girlfriend. Surprisingly there was no fight. She never gave me a bit of grief. Well, not out loud. There was the occasional passive-aggressive reminder that she was in a dinner theater production on Valentine's Day. The problem came that I had volunteered to work Valentine's Day before she was cast in the play and there wasn't anyone else to work my shift as all the other employees had already made plans with their significant others. So I was the asshole. And maybe I was. But that did nothing to change my situation. I was stuck.

Since I was really doing my best to dig my own grave I decided I needed to do some very thoughtful gifting. A couple days before Valentine's Day I went on a "please forgive me for being such an idiot" shopping spree. I knew that I didn't have to get her a lot but that what I got her needed to mean a lot. And I found it. I won't go into the details of the gift because it really wouldn't mean anything to any one reading this but it was perfect, I thought.

I had to go into work that day and I showed my gift to the two girls I worked with. They both freaked out like girls do when they see something sweet. Bree was working with me on Valentine's Day because her fiancé was chaperoning a church Valentine's banquet. She asked me if I would like to leave a little early that night so I could surprise my girlfriend. I said yes before she changed her mind. This was going to be a great Valentine's Day because I found the perfect gift and I was going to surprise her. I called a friend of mine who was in the play and had him reserve me a ticket. I actually wound up buying two tickets to buy his silence. But it was going to be worth it.

As Valentine's Day arrived I noticed the temperature dropping through the phone line every time I spoke to my girlfriend. With her at play rehearsal and me working we did not get a chance to be in the same room for about a week prior to Valentine's. But even so I figured all would be forgiven when she received my gift and I sprung my surprise. I arranged for her to stop by my work before she went to the play so I could give her my gift. I felt the chill in the air the moment her car pulled into the parking lot. This was already not going well. Bree looked at me and winked in encouragement. My girlfriend walked through the door with a sour look on her face. Did I mention this was already not going well?

She walked behind the counter, barely making eye contact, and gave me a half-assed hug. I reached under the counter and pulled out her gift. Her eyes brightened a little. She started to unwrap the gift but really liked the paper and didn't want to tear it. Girls. She asked me if I had an x-acto knife so she could cut the tape. I worked in a hobby store of course there was a knife, somewhere. As I looked for a cutting utensil I heard a voice from the other side of the counter. "You need some help with that?"I turned to see a guy that Bree was ringing up staring at my girlfriend with a big grin on his face. He reached in his pocket and pulled out a knife. He stretched his hand across the counter right in front of me like I wasn't standing there. She looked up at him and in a slightly warmer voice than I'd heard for the past week and said, "No thanks, I've got it taken care." She grabbed the knife from my hand and proceeded with her cuts. He laughed and walked toward the door. Never once did he acknowledge my presence but kept an eye on her as he left the store. Bree and I looked at each other with confusion.

She, the girlfriend, removed the wrapping and opened the box. This was the moment I was waiting for. She was going to love it and I was going to be somewhat out of the doghouse. She removed the item from the box and her face lit up for a brief moment. As she turned to look at me her facial expression returned to a hard stare. "Thank you, it's nice," she said in a cold voice and put the item back into the box. I did not know what to say. I stood there in shock. Things had just downgraded from not going well to completely in the shitter.

She gathered up her gift and card and said she needed to get going. She gave me another half hug and started for the door. She stopped after a couple of steps and turned around. "I almost forgot," she said and reached into her purse. She pulled out a card and gave it to me. I opened it while she stood there impatiently. After I read the impersonal message inside I looked back at her. She said, "Happy V-Day. I need to get going. Gallatin is a long drive." And with that she was gone. I looked at Bree. Her expression was pure shock. "What the hell is her problem?" she blurted out. I couldn't speak at this point. Bree continued, "Look, if I had been your girlfriend and you had given me that gift I would have been all over you. Hypothetically speaking of course." I just looked at her for a second then said, "Thanks, hypothetically speaking."

I could not wrap my head around what just happened. I could not figure out what I did that was so wrong. We stood there silent for a few moments then Bree asked, "Are you still going to leave early to surprise her?"

"What else can do?" I replied.

I left work around 6:30 pm. It would take me about half an hour to get to the restaurant and dinner wasn't set to begin until 7:30 pm. I would have plenty of time for my surprise before curtain. My girlfriend was expecting to see me afterward as a mutual friend was throwing a party in the area. The whole way to Gallatin I couldn't get what happened at the store out of my head. It was just bizarre. Hopefully the rest of the night would be better.

I pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant and gathered my thoughts for a moment. I wondered how she would react. There was only one way to find out. I walked into the restaurant and paused to find her in the crowd. Just as my eyes found her she looked up. Her expression said, "What the hell are you doing here?" Not quite the response I was hoping for. She quickly worked up a smile and moved my way. I actually received a full hug this time. A few happy moments passed before she had to get ready for the play. Things were looking up.

After the play was over we met up outside the restaurant. It was a short drive to Chris' apartment and I followed her over. We soon arrived at the party and I waited for her outside the door. She was doing something in her car and after a few moments she exited into the night. She once again expressed how surprised she was to see me. We exchanged some small talk on the way in. After a few minutes she went upstairs to change clothes. I sat and chatted with a few friends. A few more people arrived and the alcohol was soon flowing. I was still attending AA meetings so I was not drinking. My girlfriend re-joined the party and immediately she was asked if she would like a drink. She accepted then looked at me. "What?" she asked. "I know you don't drink but I've had a bad week and I am drinking tonight."

I sat there stunned for a moment. I had never once given her a hard time about drinking. But this night it seemed that just looking at her was an indictment on her actions. The mood had just gone from tolerable to frigid. For about an hour we circled each other without saying much. I kept wondering why all the hostility was surfacing today. Of all days, why on this one? She had wanted a nice Valentine's Day and I was trying to give her one; at least as good of one as I could given the circumstances. My mood really started to swing.

As things wore on I was approached by a friend and asked if I would like a shot. I hadn't had a drink of alcohol in over two months and it had been fairly easy so far. Suddenly I wanted that shot more than anything in the world. I accepted. No sooner had I drank the whiskey she appeared with an upset look on her face. My friend quickly made his exit. We stood there silent. Finally she asked me if I was okay. I was puzzled. Apparently my face showed this and she asked if I was ok with the drink. I shrugged and told her I was fine. She stood there and looked at me for another moment then turned back to the party.

As she walked away I got to thinking about if I was okay. I knew I wasn't okay. I knew we weren't okay. That was the pink elephant in the room. Things had been deteriorating for a while now. This day was just a symptom of a much bigger, extremely complicated problem. I needed help; professional help. But that personal help wasn't going to do anything for this relationship. We were going to have to sort that out together. The more I thought about this, the worse I felt. I sat down next to the stereo and thought about everything. The cd choice really wasn't helping things. I was beginning to sink further into myself and block out everyone else. I was creating a huge canyon between myself and everyone else and I didn't care.

As I was sinking across the room her pager went off (this was 1997). It was a friend of hers. She went to the phone and dialed the number. Conveniently the phone was in close proximity to where I was sitting. This is what I heard: "Hey, what's up? You're house sitting? Where? I don't know. I'm supposed to stay here tonight with Alan. Well let me see what I can do. I'll call you back."

She hung up the phone and returned from the kitchen into the main room. Chris asked her what was up. She told him about the house sitting gig and that she was seriously considering it. He asked about me. She told him that she wasn't having a very good time tonight and that she just wanted to get away. I was two feet away from them for the entire conversation. She never once commented on how I might feel.

About this time another friend of mine found me tucked away in the corner. The look of concern on her face was more than a lot. "Are you okay?" she asked. I just shook my head and closed my eyes. Jen put her hand on mine and told me it would be okay. I started to have a panic attack. Jen sat there with me while I tried to regain my composure. She asked me if I wanted a glass of water. I managed to say yes and she went to the kitchen. A few minutes passed. When she returned my girlfriend was with her. Jen handed me the water, gave the girlfriend a dirty look and walked away.

"It'll be okay," she said with a disconnected tone in her voice. I really just wanted to be left alone at this point. It was hard enough being in a room full of people and not being able to control my emotions. But to have the person I cared about the most sitting next to me but being anywhere else was too much. I stood up and made my way straight to the bathroom. I locked the door behind me and looked in the mirror for a few moments. I splashed water on my face and took a deep breath. I stayed in there until I calmed down enough to face her. I made a hard decision before I opened the door. She was standing in the hallway when I walked out. I looked at her and said, "I'm leaving."

"What?" she said in a surprised voice. I grabbed my jacket from off the coat hanger in the hallway and made for the door. She was right behind me as I walked into the night. She grabbed my arm before I reached my car. "What the hell is going on Alan? Why are you leaving?" she asked. "Should I stick around and watch you leave instead?" I fired back. She took a step back. She apparently didn't know I heard the phone conversation. "I only told her I might go," she replied defensively.

"'Might' is close enough to a yes for me," I said and turned to my vehicle. "What's wrong?" she screamed. "What's wrong with you? I just need to know." As I opened the car door I looked at her through the night air and said," I wish I knew." I closed the door and started the car. As I drove off I looked in the rear view mirror. She was still standing in the front yard watching me drive away. A few minutes later the clock struck midnight and Valentine's Day was over. It was a perfect end to a perfect day.