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My life is in turmoil.

This isn't as bad as it sounds upon first reading but it is in turmoil and has been for close to a year now. The only difference between now and this time last year is that I can no longer pretend like nothing is wrong. Shortly after the first of the year it all started crashing down and it has continued in a downward spiral ever since. The crap thing about all this is that it hasn't been a quick desent. From January 1st until today things have slowly fallen down around me. But when ever something would crash it has taken time for me to realize it crashed. All of a sudden I would turn around and there it was, lying on the ground in pieces.

The worst things about all this hasn't been what you'd think. Sure, getting divorced for anyone else would be the worst thing to happen to them, but for me it was a long time coming and I was numb to it by the time it did happened. For me it has been the loss of enjoyment in all things that I love in my life. Not only have I lost enjoyment in the things I love but I've lost interest in those things as well. Even things that I never thought I'd lose interest in (music and sex come to mind) have become so mundane to me that I can't really remember what I used to love about these things. Weird, I know. Add on top of all this these strange little "attacks" I've been having and life has been less fun than in years past.

When I say "attacks" what I mean is that I have been frequently struck with sudden rushes of adrenaline that send my system into chaos. I have been up since 4 o'clock this morning because of one of these. I sat straight up in the bed out of a deep sleep, in a hot sweat (even though it was cold in my bedroom), with my heart racing a thousand miles an hour. It took close to two hours before I calmed down. I'm still not completely back down to normal as of writing this. The frequency of these "attacks" have increased since I had my first one close to a year ago. There is no rhyme or reason to them. They just happen.

As I originally stated, my life is in turmoil. I've always been up for change in my life but so much has happened in such a small amount of time that I am beginning to fear change. Because it seems that if things change much more I may not be able to cope anymore. Ominous I know but true.