The Soundtrack To My Love (the early years)

I started writing a series of blogs a couple years ago dealing with songs and the moments in time they represented in my life. My blog about "One Moment In Time" was one of those that I finally got around to publishing. I had written all or part of several of these blogs around the same time but I just didn't feel right about putting them out there for the world to see. I don't know why.

Tonight I was driving home from work and was looking for a mix cd in my car. Since most of these cds are not labeled I inserting each one and listened to a few seconds of music. I never found the one I was looking for but one did catch my attention. It was made up predominately of love/sad songs from the late 80's. It was funny because it got me to thinking about those days and the girl that turned me into a musical wuss for several years. That longing I spoke about in a previous blog all started when I was a kid. A very young kid.

I met her when I was six. My family changed churches that year and the first day I went to my new Sunday school class was the first time I laid eyes on her. We quickly became friends and that was fine for a few years but things changed eventually, at least on my end. Being a kid I didn't know why she wouldn't want to be my girlfriend. This was a lesson I would learn repeatedly for the next ten years or so. I'll spare you the details of my painful pubescent unrequited affections.

The thing that really kept me hanging on through all those years was music. Specifically love and heartbreak songs. And I have a story to go with each one of them. Looking back it's hard to believe that I was so wrapped up in those horribly cheesy and sappy pop ballads. I will have to agree that a few of them have aged better than others. Here is a short list:

Yes, I am well aware that most of those songs are crap (and at least one is a little creepy) but they were the soundtrack to my love. Or at least I hoped they would be the soundtrack to my love. I would listen to them and fantasize about first dates and first kisses, slow dancing at prom and one day asking her to marry me. I would pray every day that she would love me the way I loved her and we would be together forever. I held on to the slightest little glimmer of hope that I found in the lyrics. Survivor's "The Search Is Over" gave the most hope in its final line "the search is over love was right before my eyes." Yeah, I held on to that for years.

Every bad line, every cliche, every speck of triumph played out in my head. I built these elaborate fantasies in my head about how I would win her over. From the very simple (cool car) to the insanely impossible (how was I ever gonna beat up the class bully in front of her? we went to different schools). Then I started to learn music and my approach changed, I would win her over with a song. I can say I tried this one several times over the years, just not with her, and it never worked.

But why couldn't it work with me? 'Cause 'til now I always got by on my own, I never really cared until I met her. I was living for a dream, loving for a moment. Taking on the world was just my style. I would do it all for the glory of love because I couldn't fight this feeling anymore and I had forgotten what I started fighting for. I'd fall down on my knees and kiss the ground that she walked on if I could just hold her...ever. It wouldn't take much to make me lose control and after all the stops and starts we'd keep coming back to these two hearts. It was meant to be forever her and me, after all.

Don't even try to lie and say you never put together a paragraph like that when you were twelve. It's funny now but back then those kinds of hopeless ramblings were keeping me going. The funny thing is that I never once thought about her sexually. I was a young teenage boy with all the raging hormones and I never looked at the girl I loved in a sexual manner. I looked at every other girl lustfully, but never her. This is a theme that still continues to this day with the women I love. It has caused a few problems over the years.

It's been more than twenty years since all that took place and I find it funny how hearing a few songs so easily took me back to that time. Not just took me back in time but dug up old feelings. Feelings that I thought were long gone. Not necessarily for her but that longing and feeling of rejection came back in full force. Twenty years and nothing has really changed. I'm still just a guy trying to figure out how to win over a girl. My approach has changed and my song selection is (hopefully) better but all my life I have been compiling the soundtrack to my love. The twelve year old me would be having a panic attack right about now....