No More 'I Love Yous'

The past eight months have been rough. I have had a lot of unexpected changes suddenly thrust upon me. And quite honestly I have not handled many of them very well. Put your minds at rest, I have not gone back to alcohol or anything else to get me through. Those things are far behind me now and I have no desire to return there. But I have failed to handle my business in private on a few occasions. This post is not to throw anyone under the bus nor to insight anger. I just want to give an update.

I have been depressed for pretty much this entire time. Changing medicines right when your whole life falls apart is not anything I would recommend. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. Not since before I got sober and finally got on medication. So all of this has been overwhelming to say the least. It wasn't just her leaving. It was knowing that I wouldn't see Xander and Emmy as much. It was having to tell everyone what was happening. It was right before the holidays. And it was a million other little things. That first month was hard for me because I blamed myself. I spun out of control and ran around trying to find a way to fix everything.

Then reality set in. I wasn't totally to blame. Other things came to light, all right around Christmas. Lies. Deception. Dishonesty. And more. Christmas has always been hard for me but the past few years with the family have been great. This year it wasn't just the separation, it was the depression and the sudden financial hardship of not only being a single parent but being questioned at every turn. Nothing was right. Did I make mistakes? Yes. Was I purposely failing? No. Was I trying? With everything I had. And it still wasn't enough. I know she's going to read this. I know she's going to get mad. But the reality is what it is.

After a few months I felt better but still not great. We tried again with the same results. That was it. Now it's just me, the dogs & cats and Xander a few days a week. Emmy comes over every once in a while but those will probably be fewer and fewer as time goes on. Teenagers are fickle. Sylvia didn't waste any time moving on. No surprise there. And I'm just sitting here trying to figure out what happens next. My job situation isn't any better than it was at the first of the year. Lyft was paying pretty well but I can't do it full time and it has dried up over the summer. I've picked up odd jobs here or there but it's been feast or famine. One look at my bank account will confirm the famine part. I'm at the point that I'm ready to purge everything I have in order to just get even and start from scratch. It's not a terrible plan but it's only a temporary fix.

I'm not writing any of this to build allies or to blame anyone. This is all stuff that comes with divorce. It's stuff that I never thought about before. It's stuff that crept up on me and caught me completely by surprise. When someone moves out there are holes in your life. Not just emotional and financial but basic needs as well. I had to spend money I hadn't planned for on a new bed, kitchenware, clothes for Xander and more. All stuff that was there one day then gone the next. It's been hard. I've learned how not invulnerable I truly am. But I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere.