The Wreckage of My Past is Haunting Me

Twenty years ago I was in love. It was the first time I ever fell head over heels for someone and it was a catastrophe. We met at college. More specifically we met in a college theater class. No greater drama exists than the theater romance. And it was dramatic. She was seeing someone else but she and I had connected and the flirtation was heavy when he wasn't around. There was the chase. There was the intrigue. There were other flirtations and secret meetings. There was the (surprising to me) catch. It was all such a whirlwind and the roller coaster ride was all high highs. But the low lows were just about to hit. And they hit hard.

Depression is a disease that sometimes comes out of nowhere. I was dealing with some issues with my alcohol consumption as well. The combination of alcohol withdrawal and depression sent me into a spiral. She didn't understand and I neither did I but I held on to her with everything I could during that hellish December. I knew that she was the one. We were going to get married and have babies and life would be great. Life started falling apart right before Christmas. A bunch of us went out to a club one weekend and these guys kept talking to her and one of her friends. I was introduced to one of the guys as a friend she danced with at a country bar in town. But as the night wore on everyone there noticed how she was spending more time with him than me. I knew something was going on but she kept insisting they were just friends.

It all came to a head on Christmas night. After all the festivities were over and we had settled back into the post Christmas relaxation I decided to go to the movies with some friends. She had told me she was going dancing with her friend, nothing new. After the movies we were back at my house when the phone rang. Being that it was after eleven o'clock I knew something was up. It was her mom wanting to know if she was at my place. I told her no and she told me she had sent multiple pages (this was 1996) but had gotten no response. Since the club was close to my place I told her I would go and check on her daughter.

Once I arrived in the parking lot I drove around looking for her car. I found it on the front row and as luck would have it there was an empty space right next to it. I pulled in and looked over into her car to the shock of my life. There she was in the front seat making out with the guy from a week earlier. I exited my vehicle walked over and tapped on the window. She looked up in shock. I motioned for her to roll down the window and told her to call her mom. I got back into my vehicle and started it up but she started banging on the passenger side window. I still don't know why I let her into the cab of the truck. She started apologizing and trying to explain but I didn't want to hear any of it. After a few minutes I told her to get out and go home. I went back to my house and stayed up the rest of the night trying to process everything.

I wound up staying with her. Dumb, I know. My depression got worse over the next couple months and right when I needed her the most she took off. Our relationship had several starts and stops over the next couple years. Anytime that things got bad she ran. Years later when enough time had passed that we were somewhat friends I told her that I never forgave her for that Christmas night. She looked at me and said, "I know." To tell the truth that twenty-fifth of December some twenty years ago has played a big roll in every relationship since. I have kept women at a distance to insure I didn't get hurt again. No matter how close we got I always maintained enough of a buffer just in case. I've also always maintained loyalty to whom ever I was with no matter how bad things were because I never wanted to cause the type of hurt that I felt after that night.

So here I sit twenty years later writing about something that  most would think would be far in the past. But it is something that has affected my life and the lives of those I have loved. My ex-wife asked me many times over the course of our dating and married life why I was so bitter about love. I maintained a maximum distance with her and she still saw the hurt in my life. Even my current situation has been affected by all this. Sylvia has been the recipient of my keeping a distance many times in the past six years. The biggest problem is that I didn't even realize I was still doing it until recently. I love Sylvia deeper than I have ever loved anyone but that scared college kid is still in there wrecking havoc. Now I have to figure out how to pick up the pieces and hopefully mend it all back together.