I Wanna Be Forever Young...

Tonight a thirteen year old girl told me I acted her age rather than mine. And I guess there is some truth to that. She wasn't trying to imply that I was acting immature just that I don't act the way she imagined a thirty-six year old would act. I thought about it for a minute and told her that in truth no matter the number associated with your age we all really act the same until we die. The only difference is the amount of life experience we each acquire. I've experienced a lot more than she has because I've been alive for twenty-three years longer but ultimately life is the same for us all. Sure, each of our lives have their own unique moments that separate each of us from everyone else but we all hit the same beats along the way. Life is funny like that.

I hung out with a friend last night and we got to talking about some old times. In particular the summer of 1999. We had so much fun that year just running around being young. Road trips and movie premieres and hanging out at Waffle House to all hours of the night. Then he said something that made me think, "That was before alcohol became the social drug of choice." And he was right. That year was the last time I had fun without alcohol being a constant presence...in public. The truth is that was the year alcohol really took a hold on my life. It started out privately. I was living alone for the first time in my life and there were a lot of nights that I drank until I passed out. And I mean A LOT of nights. No one knew about it. It was my secret and I wanted it to stay that way. But that didn't last.

It's true that alcohol had been a part of my life prior and I had even had a problem with it in my early twenties but it started really getting bad once I was alone a lot. And it wasn't just that I was alone, I was lonely. That was the main thing that drove me to drink. I remember one time in particular when I went to see Keeping The Faith. I went by myself, which was and still is a common thing for me to do, and quickly realized it was a date movie. And I was the only single person in the theater. When the movie was over I went straight to the store, bought a twelve pack of beer and drank it all before I finally hit the bed around sunrise. Needless to say I woke up late for work and with a pounding headache. This became normal for me after a very short time.

Alcohol started to dull all my senses. Food didn't taste right, my sense of smell stopped being acute and I slowly stopped caring about the things I loved. Including people. It all became about a quick fix of everything concentrated into right now!! I lived like that for years. Way too many years. In the last ten months things have started to taste better and smell better (sometimes a lot worse than I want). But my sense of love has taken longer to reacquire. I just don't feel like I used to. And I mean feel as in music doesn't move me. On the same note when I meet a girl I don't get a charge. But the worst one is sex. I'm just not into it any longer. And yes, I blame years of alcohol abuse for all these things. Looking back I can draw a steadily descending line through my life as I became more and more dependent on alcohol.

I'm glad to have my life back now and on a positive note I have started to "feel" for music again. It's a growing love that I am privileged to experience twice in my life. For so many years I looked back at that time before alcohol and wished I could go back. At the time I thought it was because I missed my youth. Now I realize that it was a time of pure emotion and amazed wonder, before alcohol ruined it all.